TIFU By asking how my boyfriend is doing

Submitted by lexifirds t3_z6bw2b in tifu

I (19F) asked my (ex) boyfriend (22M) how he was.

We have been living together for about half a year and were struggling with money. He worked 2 jobs just to afford our apartment and everything else. When he came home from work I was on the couch watching TV and asked him ''How was work today?,, and he just flipped at me. I have been trying to get a job as well but have not found one yet. He yelled at me asking me why I am doing nothing, not being busy trying to find a job and just laying on the couch watching tv. He got so mad he started getting abusive. This was not the first time something like this happened as well. Around a week ago I broke up with him and now I practically have nothing. I can't go live with my family because they did not agree on the relationship and do not want to have contact with me. I have tried to get an apartment with what little savings I have left but have found nothing yet. I can barely afford to eat. I am at the lowest point of my life and don't know what to do.

TL:DR : I asked how my boyfriend is doing and we broke up because of it.

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indiana-floridian t1_iy0jt4s wrote

You contact your parents with humbleness. You say I'm sorry, you were right. You ask for forgiveness. Maybe they will help you. It's very possible they were just waiting for you to find this out.

If not, you aren't any worse off for having tried.

Go everywhere you know about and ask for a job. Don't sit around when its daylight. Get cleaned up, get dressed and go out all day. Go out and ask every place for a job until you get one. At night, put in online applications.

Turn off cable, Netflix, hulu, prime. Find out how to use antenna television.

When you get money coming in, some has to be saved to get your own place.

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OriVerda t1_iy1e2qu wrote

>lipped at me. I have been trying to get a job as well but have not found one yet. He yelled at me asking me why I am doing nothing, not being busy trying to find a job and just laying on the couch watching tv. He got so mad he started getting abusive. This was not the first time something like this happened as well. Around a week ago I broke up with him and now I practically have nothing. I can't go live with my family because they did not agree on the relationship and do not want to have contact with me. I have tried to get a

^ What this guy wrote, take it literally. Actually walk into places of business, locate the nearest employee and ask if you could speak to their supervisor. There's a chance they'll direct you to apply online but you might surprise a potential employer with your initiative.

On the flip side, they may think you're rude for waltzing in stores and asking to talk to people but when you're job hunting you got to take that chance.

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ProbablyNotADuck t1_iy1em10 wrote

Most jobs aren't what you know, they're who you know. That's how you get a leg in the door. Even when you're establishing a career and places tell you that they're not hiring. Ask for an informational interview with a manager or department head for the area you'd like to work in. Ask them questions like "what do you look for in candidates?" "What is the most challenging aspect of working in this field?" "What are key traits that help you excel in this role?" They may not be hiring right then, but it opens up the door to make a connection, it show's you're a go-getter and it will likely cause them to remember you down the road whenever they are looking for someone.

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ItsJustMeBeinCurious t1_iy0z76n wrote

This likely goes beyond a single incident and you need to step back and evaluate objectively.

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Cocomomoizme t1_iy16rjr wrote

There’s a million places looking for help especially for the holidays. Why not start at Starbucks? Or a local store you like? Whole Foods? Target? Who ISNT hiring right now? I don’t understand how you don’t have a job if you’re able bodied and young. I’d be mad if I were in your boyfriends situation too, but nothing would ever result in violence or abuse. Leave now! But jobs should not be an issue!

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FUCKTWENTYCHARACTERS t1_iy4brmd wrote

I mean, obviously OPs situation may be different, but I also am looking for a job right now and I have standards for myself so I don't have one yet. Yeah, I could take a nickel an hour to get verbally abused at Starbucks, but no fucking way unless I have no choice. Not when I was making 18.50 for 3 years and still have a decent amount in savings.

"There's plenty of jobs out there" Yeah. All the shitty ones that don't pay enough, that's why they'll always be available.

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Cocomomoizme t1_iy4e6d4 wrote

In my state Starbucks pays over $15 an hour. It’s nice you have options to not have work to support yourself and/or your family while looking for your dream job but not all of us have that option. While working for $3 less an hour you can still look a better job. Are you really pounding the pavement 24/7 to look for jobs? There’s absolutely no downtime at all?

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[deleted] t1_iy4fdx4 wrote

[deleted]

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Cocomomoizme t1_iy4gzd4 wrote

I live in New England, and tons of jobs are available without qualification that starts at $15 here, specifically retail because of the holiday season. Honestly if you’re young and want a career I’d suggest even a city or government entry position just to get in. You’ll get raises every year and adjustments for inflation, great benefits and a pension. You may start low, around what you were making before but you will double what you make in a a few years.

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TexasRedJames1974 t1_iy1hk7e wrote

It sucks what happened and the breakup, yet after your BF working two jobs for an exteneded time and still barely able to keep the two of you afloat I suspect the stress of trying to make ends meet finally got the better of him and he snapped.

Yes, him snapping was bad, but given the current job market (especially if you're in the USA) where you see "Now Hiring" or "Help Wanted" signs practically everywhere, you have to understand that the optics of him coming home from yet another double shift day/night to see you sitting on the couch without a care in the world might go badly. Had you even gone out job hunting that day? That week?

As for what to do now that you've broken up - eat a big dose of Humble Pie and apologize to your parents, let them know you were wrong (even if you feel you weren't wrong) - trust me, that humble pie is better than being homeless and hungry. If your parents let you back in (and I suspect they will), then you have to constantly keep looking for a job until you find one - and then you do whatever you have to do to keep it so that eventually you can move out on your own. It might not be the job you want, but it's the job you desperately need.

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aussie_nub t1_iy2a06n wrote

>He got so mad he started getting abusive.

I'm curious how bad it actually was. Did he scream and yell or did he start calling her names or did he start breaking things... or hitting her?

Screaming and yelling isn't necessarily abusive. Calling her names? Well, it's bad but depends how far. Physical, even breaking things, is abuse, 100%.

I can fully understand someone getting very angry about their partner sitting around all day and not helping out while they're stressing about trying to feed and house you both while working 2 jobs. Can't say I'm on OP's side necessarily. Sounds like she should be trying harder to get a job.

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Lunchtime1959 t1_iy1nrvc wrote

Im another that agrees with your boyfriend. Perhaps your being too picky for work. If he is working two jobs then he is probably tired of carrying the burden. Lots of places are hiring, just take a starting role and see where it leads

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waffle-st0mper t1_iy0jdxb wrote

Are you working? If yes, he is an asshole. If no, and you are not actively searching for employment or assistance then you are the asshole.

Imagine the roles switched and the optics of coming home after your second job and he is sitting on the couch.

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NaAliiKai t1_iy17iqm wrote

still doesn't validate someone assauting you!

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InSonicBloom t1_iy0mml1 wrote

what do you mean by "abusive"? did he hit you?

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lexifirds OP t1_iy0pi9u wrote

yes, not really bad but he did.

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Eldhannas t1_iy0rhwh wrote

If your parents don't let you move back when your bf hits you, they can burn.

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indiana-floridian t1_iy1eqa5 wrote

If that recurs you might want to call police. Immediately. (It gets harder to get them to believe you as time goes on. While it is reportable later, I personally consider it a "now or never" thing. Keep your phone in your pocket. Be able to take pictures anytime. An overnight bag and your important papers in your car or in a bag beside the door).

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RickoT t1_iy1qhnh wrote

Don't let yourself turn into one of those women that let this and that slide until you are in an even more impossible situation than you're already in. Not that bad can turn into a serious situation real quick. Once an abuser knows you won't take action, it is a slippery slope to more frequent and serious abuses. pack what you need to survive and get out of there. Go to a shelter, go to your parents, go anywhere but where you are.

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Patient-Category5275 t1_iy0u7d2 wrote

You did not fuck up. You got out of an abusive relationship before it got bad. Apologize to your parents and see if you can live with them. Otherwise look for friends or other people you can stay with.

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy0z2tv wrote

Imagine the scenario being the opposite, you come home, frustrated, tired from your 2 shifts to find him on his ass putting no visible effort into resumes/job applications/cleaning stuff. Then he asks you how was the work, as if it's not yet self evident, so now the seemingly harmless question becomes a mocking question. You explode and get violent.

Sadly I don't think you can imagine it. Not until you work two jobs.

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Disastrous_Potato605 t1_iy0zd3k wrote

Hitting your partner is always wrong 💁‍♀️

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy10q1o wrote

I agree, but point me to where they were partners in the first place

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Disastrous_Potato605 t1_iy123gk wrote

It was her bf when this occurred, is her ex because of it?

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy13vk3 wrote

A bf is not a partner, not yet. Plus she did not play the team game. She's young, she'll learn how to, someday. Or not, either way....

"I missed the part where that's my problem." ~Bully Maguire

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Disastrous_Potato605 t1_iy144d8 wrote

Partner is a generic term for gf/bf/significant other. You’re mistaking it for a spouse. And u don’t need to be married to not suffer abuse. Nobody should be hitting their relationship partner, let alone anyone else. Abuse is always wrong.

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy2r8sw wrote

>You’re mistaking it for a spouse.

Probably, yeah.

>And u don’t need to be married to not suffer abuse.

That was not my point. It is self evident that hitting is not okay. Yet I see it being trumpeted as if everyone is 5.

My point is, no matter how wrong something is, under certain circumstances people will do things that are wrong. There's no denying that. But I guess you already know that.

Either most people or a boisterous minority are not fully aware of what potential for evil lies within them, which under certain circumstances would materialize. Unless you've properly integrated the inner shadow, then it's safe to consider yourself a loaded weapon. If you don't integrate that side of yourself, then you will (if aren't already) absolutely (during your lifetime) harm someone (either physically or mentally).

Crimes against humanity were committed by people, guess what you, I and the other 8 billion are.

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Disastrous_Potato605 t1_iy34cjr wrote

It’s just sounds like you’re trying to explain away or make excuses for the behavior. The behavior is always wrong and a lack of self control doesn’t make u Batman, it makes u a bad person.

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy48s7k wrote

I'm explaining why things happen.

Being violent means you're a bad person, but not being capable of violence (being a rabbit, which can not do anything, but get eaten) does not mean you're a good person by default.

Being a good person - which many consider themselves to be - is hard. To be a good person you have to be a monster, but then not act monstrously.

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Disastrous_Potato605 t1_iy4bkq5 wrote

You’re clearly not illiterate and yet here you are trying to justify hitting your partner because of inner darkness or capability for violence. Abuse is always wrong and it doesn’t matter why u do it. It only matters why to you because you did it because you’re inherently selfish to be putting ur partner thru that mental and physical pain and damage. End of story.

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy5g09d wrote

>It only matters why to you because you did it because you’re inherently selfish to be putting ur partner thru that mental and physical pain and damage. End of story.

What?

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covale t1_iy18etd wrote

So you think it's ok to abuse people in general and you're only against it if it's a spouse?

Wow... that's a special brand of shittyness.

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy2tf95 wrote

Wrong conclusion. We've come from hitting someone to abuse, not the same. Abuse is hitting someone repeatedly, over a longer time span, hitting someone once isin't necessarily abuse. You don't need to tell me that it is wrong, I'm not 5. Consider the person you're talking to is resonable if you want to be treated as someone resonable yourself.

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onebadmex66 t1_iy1iam2 wrote

It's a reasonable reaction to be a bit reactionary when you're busting your ass working two jobs to make ends meet and your sig other is sitting on the couch relaxing. While he shouldn't take out his anger on anyone, I think it is a bit tone deaf to not realize how much pressure he may be under.

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cmoyes t1_iy1tioa wrote

Jobs are literally throwing at people's face right now. Just google Kijiji, Craigslist, monster, Workopolis or any other job listing. They are literally jam packed, it's frustrating seeing this post. If you truly wanted a job, you'd get a job. You saying him "freaking out at you" when he's out there working two jobs speaks volumes.

By no means being abusive is acceptable from any stand point but he's doing what he needs to do to survive. Coming home to someone who won't even get one job is juvenile. Get yourself a job and grow up, the world's not going to give you everything on a silver platter.

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shadesofwolves t1_iy0hyj3 wrote

Your perspective on this is wrong.

You didn't fuck up.

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SunChipMan t1_iy1rzpu wrote

Your family didn't approve of the relationship means they care about you. That likely hasn't changed. Ask for help if you need it.

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[deleted] t1_iy0i904 wrote

[deleted]

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lexifirds OP t1_iy0jq1n wrote

Thanks! Ill look into it!

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Disastrous_Potato605 t1_iy0z8uf wrote

Do u have a car? Spark delivery by DDI inc does deliveries for Walmart, autozone, and Home Depot. It’s decent money until u find something better

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Magillacudi t1_iy21lrr wrote

Go to a homeless shelter if you have to, if they don't have room they may at least mentionnother places to look. Everywhere is hiring, you can't afford to be picky right now hun, just take something. Work two part time jobs.

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Bumblebee-Feeling t1_iy2tc2m wrote

I would say your parents are more likely to take you back than you think, considering your wanting well away from someone that they dislike and have you return home...

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NaAliiKai t1_iy17pxp wrote

you need to get far away from the asshole now!

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bros402 t1_iy1pxeo wrote

Go to your parents with your hat in your hand - tell them they were right and you need a place to go. Your boyfriend is being abusive.

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Acrobatic_Grass_1457 t1_iy7bu81 wrote

Find a womens shelter, or beg your family or friends (even if they’re not super close you never know who will help out), just get back on your feet. Also Couchsurfing is an app I’ve heard of people can host you but I havent looked much into it.

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[deleted] t1_iy0hhc4 wrote

[deleted]

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YrPrblmsArntMyPrblms t1_iy0zzwp wrote

The fuck up here is

"TIFU by not being productive (I'm jobless) as my bf came home from his 2 jobs so he can pay rent for us and put bread on the table."

If you think anything less of it, you need the same help as her.

Edit: To people who delete their comments: Truth is indeed a terrible thing, but not compared to falsehood. We must be better.

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Simple_Phrase3579 t1_iy2zam8 wrote

He is right tho.. Move your lazy ass there is work everywhere just not for the money you wish. You can clean the house too just don't lay around

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nicapachi t1_iy0kaln wrote

I hope you’ll find a safe place to stay, OP :( I can’t understand your ex boyfriend. Hell, everyone deserves breaks, that includes people who are not currently employed. You can’t be expected to be writing applications 24/7 without taking a break inbetween.

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