Submitted by Remarkable_Camera832 t3_z4mmra in tifu

My wife and I went to her coworkers house for thanks giving and her husband got me really drunk mixing beer wine and whiskey.

We make it home, hop on a FaceTime with my brother and have some good laughs about how drunk I am. Then go to sleep.

The next thing I can remember, it’s the middle of the night and I’m hopping out of the shower after having a good puke session. My wife is very upset about something but I’m not 100% sure what she is trying to communicate to me. She hands me some cleaning supplies and sends me to our bedroom.

Our bedroom has a big window to the left of the bed and we have a nice bench there to fill up the space. At night we take the decor pillows off the bed and put them on the bench.

I walk out of our bathroom and into the bedroom and find the bench is pulled away from the window, tipped on its side and now leaning against the wall part below the window sill. There is also a big piece of shit balanced on one of the beams of the bench.

I’m still extremely drunk but the reality of what I had done was quite sobering. I proceed to clean up my mess and tell myself that I am never drinking again. It gets worse though…

I finish and go to my wife who has migrated to the living room out of disgust. After my profuse drunken apologies she begins to tell me her side of the story.

About an hour after we go to bed she is woken up by me telling her to go grab the trash can from the bathroom. She sleepily gets it and walks over to me, but is confused about why our bench is tipped sideways and I am sitting on it. She also notes that it smells terrible but assumed that I had just farted. At the point she has not realized that I was using the bench as a toilet. She convinces me to get up and continue puking in the bathroom and helps me get there. She turns to go back into our bedroom when she finds ….

Our dog is licking my shit on the bench.

TL;DR: got drunk, used my bench as a toilet then my dog licked my poop



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horrifyingthought t1_ixrpuna wrote

That sucks, but it sounds like drinking to excess is not the norm for you, and you took full responsibility and cleaned it up yourself once you were cognizant.

I agree this is a fuckup, and you might have to buy some apology flowers and new bench (I doubt your wife will ever sit on it again lol), but overall this seems like a relatively minor blip. No big yellow or red relationship flags on either side, congrats on such a healthy relationship!

Now drink some water, buy some bleach, and then go back to sleep lol


Remarkable_Camera832 OP t1_ixrus8j wrote

Drinking like that really isn’t the norm for me. And after this I’ll only be less inclined to it. And boy howdy am I blessed to have a lovely wife. Great idea with the apology flowers I’m going to use that one for sure


cucumberholster t1_ixsggh9 wrote

Apology dinner, if you can cook make something extraordinary. If you can’t, whip out the Mastercard at a classy establishment… maybe redo your vows


duckduckbananas t1_ixrnew0 wrote

haha I've come to a few times in a drunken stupor to find myself pissing on the floor but you really swung for the fences on this one. Bravo.


DizaleYo t1_ixrvms2 wrote

Ugh thank god you have a great wife. Mine would also deal with my drunk ass if I ever did some silly shit like this but I'd never hear the end of it. Enjoy sobering up and the misery of knowing what you've done.


Cichlidsaremyjam t1_ixsjxlf wrote

This reminds me of college. One of my roommates was diabetic but still drank like a fish. Well one night he gets out of bed. I fel it as I'm on the top bunk. I then hear what I thought was running water. No he just pissed in the corner of our room and went back to bed. Then about 45 minutes later I feel the bed move again bit this time I jump down. He's going for the corner again but I turn him toward the bathroom. But our rooms door to the hallway was between the corner and the bathroom. He grabs the handle and I had a split second decision to risk him not making it but going to the bathroom or letting him be someone else's problem in the hallway. I opted for the bathroom. He peed somewhere in there but defiatelty not in the toilet.


AcrobaticSource3 t1_ixsuupr wrote

> then my dog licked my poop

Soon your dog will essentially shit our your poop, which you then will have to lick to complete the circle


TheBigEMan t1_ixtxbt6 wrote

Ahhh yes the circle of life, Donna would be so proud


filmapan382 t1_ixs1aix wrote

Today there was a post in r/Sweden asking what you are not allowed to do after getting married. Top comment say except for the obvious things like cheating and shit in the bed, blablabla.

And now, some hours later I actually read about you, shitting in the bed (close to the bed at least).


JayElbey t1_ixsez4l wrote

Roughly a million years ago I worked with a guy who was pretty much constantly drunk/high/both, including at work.

Apparently one night he was so wasted that he mistook his bedroom for the bathroom, and proceeded to pull out the dresser drawer and take a shit in it. Had no clue until he went to get dressed the next morning.


mostlygray t1_ixstuad wrote

I'm suddenly reminded of an event from college.

I had a friend who was dating this doofus of a guy. Seemed harmless enough. Just a doofus. Anyway, one day they go out and party and he has a bit too many. They go back to her place and have sex.

Here's where it gets weird.

After they're done, he looks her straight in the eyes and says "I love you just like I love my sister." Then he gets up, opens the closet door, squats down, and takes a huge shit. Then passes out face first on the floor.

And that's how their short relationship ended.


nzdennis t1_ixsj9d9 wrote

Common scenario. Usually people shit in women's shoes


GordianNaught t1_ixt2cxy wrote

Great story to tell at an AA meeting


DrSkaCtopus t1_ixt38j0 wrote

The title of this short story is "Poop Lick".


_iOS t1_ixt5epv wrote

Man this is one of the funniest drunk fails ever! The next "american pie"


Uruwishi t1_ixtucj2 wrote

That's hilarious