TIFU by throwing my wife.

Submitted by TwoPintsNoneTheRichr t3_z2ur8p in tifu

As per usual, not today but roughly a year ago or so my wife and I were feeling a little frisky and started making out in the living room. With things moving towards more advanced activities we began to move towards the bedroom. In the process of this she jumped up onto me, straddling me so I could carry her while we kissed and walked to the bed. It is important to note at this point that my wife likes it that I'm a bigger guy and can lift/move her around because it makes her feel more dainty. So, as we got close to the bed I thought it would be a idea/dramatic/sexy to lift her by her torso and throw her off of me and onto the bed. As I did this I felt a popping sensation underneath my right palm which was pushing against her ribs. As soon as she landed she grabbed her side in obvious discomfort but trying to downplay it so we could continue with our planned activity but after a few breaths I could tell that it really was hurting her and we ceased the activities. At that point I recommended we take her to urgent care but she refused saying she was fine. After a few days of dealing with the pain she finally got checked out and xrays showed that I'd cracked two of her ribs. Obviously, I'm horrified that I hurt my wife and am MUCH more cautious but she still finds it funny that she broke her ribs during sexy time and actually bragged about it to her friends.

TL;DR: Tried to be manly and throw my wife onto the bed for sexy time, broke her ribs and didn't have sexy time.

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verbalkint977 t1_ixie57q wrote

She can officially say her husband fucks like a klingon.

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vesati t1_ixk7dfm wrote

There is no honor in blue balls.

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Damien_Blaq t1_ixjcovv wrote

The first time I slept with my son's mother, I did something similar. I picked her up off of the couch we were making out on, carried her into the bedroom with her legs wrapped around me, then proceeded to put her down on the bed in a dark room... I miscalculated the positioning of the bed, and ended up full on body slamming her into the floor NEXT TO the bed... Fortunately, she was not hurt and we laughed hard about it. As you can see in the beginning of this story, she still let me smash even after smashing her into the floor.

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MooTheGrass t1_ixjsin6 wrote

why "my son's mother" instead of "my wife" lol

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fuckimtrash t1_ixks2yd wrote

Yea figured they would have just said my girlfriend/my ex lol

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fss71 t1_ixjl94e wrote

Why not just say wife / ex-wife? Lol

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Ocean_Spice t1_ixjncjz wrote

… You are aware pregnancy can happen outside of marriage, yes? Like fertility doesn’t only kick in once you’re legally married.

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fss71 t1_ixjs1ym wrote

Absolutely and usually that could be a girlfriend and based on the reply it may seem like it wasn’t a girlfriend either so it seems like the mother could have been a friend of whatever relationship they had or currently have

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Damien_Blaq t1_ixjtk2k wrote

It seemed easier and less wordy then saying "The woman I was dating for 4 years, went on to have a child with, then break up with for 6 years, and get back together with a couple days ago."... I dunno... Maybe that would have gotten point of the story across better.

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zookeeper4312 t1_ixjv88y wrote

Not sure anything u said could've gotten the point over any better in this case

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Vivistolethecheese t1_ixjxulf wrote

I understand what you said, but since people are complaining, you could use "partner" or "ex-partner" I guess. What you said works perfectly already though.

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[deleted] t1_ixkeicw wrote

[deleted]

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EternalPinkMist t1_ixkj8sl wrote

What if it was a one night stand and she refused to abort. That's not an ex anything.

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Ocean_Spice t1_ixkjpsn wrote

Or someone who’d been a fwb or something, people still have sex outside being in a relationship.

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The_R1NG t1_ixoduph wrote

Not confusing at all, some people are just dumb as fuck. Really “why not say wife or girlfriend” if people spent two seconds thinking they’d realize that it most likely didn’t apply

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KaelosFenrir t1_ixjoxx0 wrote

Not for sexy time but my ex and I were having a pillow fight (early 20s love ahh) and I went to turn off the light so we could go to bed. When I came back, he thought he'd get one last pillow smack in and I ended up with the back of his fist to my nose. First and last time I ever got a severe blood nose. Didn't even realise it was bleeding until we turned on the light and it was all over the carpet. He felt truly horrific for it and I couldn't stop laughing because it was an accident. We were having fun. I still laugh at it to this day. He was a great person, we just fell outta love and were friends for ages after until he got a wife that hated all his family and friends. Sad days.

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TwoPintsNoneTheRichr OP t1_ixjpc6m wrote

I dunno if I should upvote or not cuz I like the first part but that last little bit makes me sad :( Thanks for sharing :)

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KaelosFenrir t1_ixkps48 wrote

Yeah I know. But he allowed it to happen I suppose. I can only hope he's happy and we still have friends in common so we still hear about each other every so often.

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tyrsalt t1_ixk6opr wrote

This reminds me the first week my wife and I were married. I am an active sleeper and do a lot of tossing and turning. I flipped over and back handed her across her portable stress balls. Another night I was dreaming I was fighting apparently for my life. In my dream I won and was getting ready to knee the for in the head. Turns out I did the biggest wind up to knee my wife right in the tailbone.

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KaelosFenrir t1_ixl14qp wrote

Oh jeez. I mean I toss and turn a lot too but never this bad haha. Poor wife. I'm sure she understood and put some hospital straps on you from then on. XD

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tyrsalt t1_ixm53ur wrote

I did get better and switched to talking but now with a disabled child we sleep in separate beds. We have a nurse for 3 nights so we can hang out, she gets 2 nights watching her, and I take the weekend’s watching her.

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spook7886 t1_ixlhu6v wrote

My wife woke me up punching me in her sleep, and in my sleep I parried her punches.

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PracticeAsleep t1_ixiul6c wrote

OP, if you threw a 180 lbs person 4 ft from a wrap around position on your body then you are truly a beast. If she is bragging about breaking ribs during sex then bow your head modestly and smile knowingly.

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Gerlon_Two_Fingers t1_ixjfb1v wrote

LMAO dude I did the same thing to my wife before and right when I did that our cat ran across the bed and she smooshed the cat into the bed with all the force of my throw

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HotMess_ish t1_ixjxra3 wrote

Not trying to one up, but to ease your worry, I promise your wife finds it amusing. A laughable sexy time story is always fun, even if it has an injury tied to it. I broke my thumb in 3 places during sexy time when I was younger. Had to have surgery and wire my bones back together and was in a cast then had physical therapy. I never once was mad at the incident. It was fun 🤷🏼‍♀️ 21 years later, I don't remember the dude's name but if someone sees my scar and asks I still laugh and ask them if they want the real story or what I told my mother.

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rhys_prelude t1_ixllr8s wrote

Haha and what did you tell your mother?

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HotMess_ish t1_ixlyk6k wrote

Since they way I broke it was like a falling motion and me catching myself with my hand and thumb snapping backwards, I told my mom I tripped on the uneven sidewalk (I had gone out with friends the day before, so had "witnesses") and didn't go get it looked at for a couple days when ice wasn't working and the bruising was spreading. And since the story was plausible the orthopedic surgeon also believed me how it happened 🤦🏼‍♀️

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nicarox t1_ixjjlyd wrote

Well you were certainly eager. I’d take it as a compliment. Hopefully she feels better soon

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Luxio512 t1_ixk2m8z wrote

Ride wife. life good. wife fights back. THROW wife. wife gone. tifu.

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oredaze t1_ixljkn3 wrote

Wow, people are fragile. Does she lack vitamin D or something?

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Particular-Tax3579 t1_ixlf1l3 wrote

I used to always wear this crescent moon pendent necklace and once while my ex and I were wrestling I was kissing him and when I sat up my necklace hooked his nostril and ripped that sucker open...I bawled at the ER while they were stitching him up and questioning me lol

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occasionalrant414 t1_ixljnvf wrote

My wife prolapsed a disk when we were having vigorous sex in 2010.

I felt awful but slightly proud that 75kg me could hump like that. Lol

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Jewsusgr8 t1_ixloydq wrote

Very similar wind up and story with my ex... Except when I threw her onto the bed, I yeeted her from one side of the bed to the other and she hit the headboard. Later that week I attended her funer- jkjk she was fine but she passed out for a bit and I thought I murdered my gf at the time. My Google searches were enough to get me on a watchlist that day 😅 silly teenage me.

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HinaEater t1_ixm9bv2 wrote

I'm more concerned that her bones broke that easily. Was it not because of an underlying condition?

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MercuryJellyfish t1_ixmlb3h wrote

Oof. Yes, been in this exact position, minus the rib cracking. There but for the grace, etc…

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SaxyOmega90125 t1_ixiae9x wrote

Something's not right with that. It takes roughly 1500lbs shock force to break a healthy person's ribs, and I seriously doubt you could apply that much force throwing her if you specifically tried. Does she have a calcium deficiency, vitamin K deficiency, or a bone disorder?

Edit: wow, love that people are downvoting this. I guess that's what I get for suggesting some possible health factors that could explain this injury that probably should not have happened, instead of making a low-hanging fruit joke or a meaningless comment amounting to 'ooh, ah' like most of the comments that got upvoted. You go, Reddit.

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puffmaster5000 t1_ixib990 wrote

It's not uncommon to break ribs during CPR and they aren't putting out 1500lb

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wheredmyphonego t1_ixjfrtt wrote

my 7 y/o niece broke her wrist falling on to the kitchen floor. runnin in the house with socks on, no grippies on the bottom. the human body isn't known for it's... durability. lol

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speculatrix t1_ixibx93 wrote

you shouldnt be afraid of breaking ribs.. Most people who try cardiac massage don't apply enough force

https://www.procpr.org/blog/training/hear-ribs-break-cpr

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SophosMoros7 t1_ixj5gk3 wrote

I'd rather have broken alive ribs than unbroken dead ones.

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WholeSilent8317 t1_ixiv3zh wrote

this is so untrue. what dangerous information to spread.

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Suspicious-Medium t1_ixj9cg2 wrote

Had CPR training recently as a high school graduation requirement and the instructor did say that not breaking ribs probably means you're not using enough force to get blood flowing through the body, although this varies from person to person. 2 inches is how far you have to press down (hence why ribs may be broken)

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speculatrix t1_ixjgck9 wrote

I didn't say you should intend to break ribs, maybe my wording could be better and I'll correct it, but most people are too afraid and don't apply nearly enough force

"about 30% of patients will find themselves with a broken sternum or a fractured rib. In some cases, multiple ribs will be broken but once again this should be considered absolutely normal"

https://www.procpr.org/blog/training/hear-ribs-break-cpr

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SaxyOmega90125 t1_ixirfqa wrote

You'd be surprised how much shock force you can put down with both arms locked, both hands focused into as small an area as possible, your full body thrusting on top, adrenaline flowing, and a person under you who is already injured or has chronic health issues.

If you break a rib though, generally speaking either they already had broken ribs or you weren't doing the correct compression technique for CPR. (Edit: or chronic health issue thing ofc)

Source: I am a CPR-certified first responder

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TwoPintsNoneTheRichr OP t1_ixigus7 wrote

I was actually a little worried about something like an occult cancer (fortunately nothing obvious on imaging). From a force perspective it's not actually that difficult from a pounds/square inch perspective. She weighs ~180 lbs and I threw her ~4 feet or so onto the bed with the vast majority of that force being transmitted through the heel of my palms. I'm also a relatively strong guy (can bench ~300lbs or plus force generated through my legs for the extra oomph).

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SaxyOmega90125 t1_ixisn0u wrote

Oh, you threw her in feet? Okay, I was thinking you walked up to the bed and tossed her down, not that you chucked her clean across the room.

I'm still a bit surprised that broke ribs though - I mean, even a full-force punch specifically intended to cause injury isn't usually going to do that, typically takes a clean and strong kick at least - so I'm still wondering about a calcium or vitamin K deficiency. Consider getting vitamin tabs of those.

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SirMonkey3000 t1_ixjwrm3 wrote

I’m guessing the force was applied at an upward angle on the ribs, and not directly forward like a ouch would. The ribs would not be built for that application

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piscean_informant t1_ixjey30 wrote

My daughter broke my ribs while I was pregnant with her. She kicked and pushed incredibly hard for a fetus.

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SaxyOmega90125 t1_ixjk0wt wrote

A woman's rib cage expands during pregnancy, and often but not necessarily returns at least partly to its original ahape later. I am not an obstetrician, but I would assume the ribs are weakened to accommodate that process.

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piscean_informant t1_ixkl72v wrote

That's highly doubtful, unless you were experiencing some sort of bone loss during pregnancy, fortunately I am a retired Nurse, so I understand how my body works. The entirety of a woman's body is stretched to it's limits during pregnancy, yes, but it's all within soft tissues that expansion happens. I am just certain that I had a devil child, who attempted to escape her fleshy prison many times. Haha

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Tikimanly t1_ixigyhx wrote

1500 lbs / 24 broken ribs = 62.5 lbs/broken rib

125 lbs wife / 62.5 lbs/broken rib = 2.0 wife ribs broken

edit: 180 lbs wife / 62.5 lbs/broken rib = 2.88 wife ribs broken (round down for actual fracture count)

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SaxyOmega90125 t1_ixir2rr wrote

You caught a slight typo - I meant 1500lbs shock force to break a rib. Obviously the size of the object is an issue but iirc that assumption uses something about the size/radius of a car's headlight corner area which is similar to a human hand.

Also your math is assuming sustained force, not shock force. By your numbers she would break ribs leaning over a chair.

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