TIFU by dislocating my wife's jaw

Submitted by twisted34 t3_yy1gaf in tifu

As is customary, this did not happen today, but it did happen a couple of days ago, and I think I'm finally able to tell the story...just not to anyone I know.

So a little background first: my wife and I have a 15 month old toddler, and we recently decided that it would be a good idea to promote him to older brother. Our first time around things didn't go...as planned, so this time we wanted a different experience. After 2 months of injecting my baby batter my wife started to get a little annoyed, last time we were surprised to learn the consequences of our actions, and now things are again not going as planned, but in the exact opposite manner. She started reading all about fertility and how we might increase our odds: what foods to eat, what not to drink, how often we should go heels to Jesus, what time of the day is best, and so on, and so on. She discovered that it would be in our best interest to have sex multiple times per day when she was ovulating, and lucky for your boy here, that meant sex in the morning, afternoon, and at night.

As the day approached (according to her bloody tracking app), I reminded her that I am the farthest thing in the world from a morning person, and if she wanted that morning glory then she would have to entice me, because sleeping is damn near my favorite thing in the world, and I'm damn good at it (very heavy sleeper, takes a lot to wake me up). Now is also a great time to mention that due to my love of sleeping in, I've devised a way to make sure my ass actually gets out of bed and doesn't go back to sleep: I turned the volume of my alarm as high as it would go and put it out of arm's reach, so it basically scares the shit out of me first thing in the morning, and I jump out of bed just to turn it off. Spikes the heart rate a bit, but it gets the job done on early mornings.

So Friday morning cums around and my loving wife decided now was the time to enact one of my greatest fantasies in life, waking up to a sloppy BJ. She gets down to business and I'm apparently still sawing logs like a lumberjack, but she's motivated in acquiring that next bun in the oven. As I start to gain consciousness the thundering sound of my alarm shakes the bedroom, and as I reflexively begin to jump out of bed to turn it off, I hear a crack that would have made Mickey Mantle proud, followed by a scream that dwarfed my alarm. Apparently my alarm surprised my wife as much as it always does me, and as I started to move, she looked up, and took a knee to the chin like Chuck Liddell, only not as well.

After a minute or so I was finally able to calm her down enough for me to realize the magnitude of my royal fuck up, and attempt to put her jaw back into place. Unfortunately for her this wasn't the first time she had dislocated her jaw, but if there was any fortune in her favor this morning, it was that I am a medical professional in training and have learned how to locate jaws...in theory. After 5 or so minutes trying different manuevers we finally got a solid click and she was able to move her jaw back and forth with only some mild discomfort, followed by a few choice words that I absolutely deserved.

Needless to say my dick stayed dry the rest of the day, and every day since, but we will be trying again next month, just with more vanilla. At least we didn't have to go to the ER and likely explain to the police that I did not intentionally assault my wife.

TL;DR - wife and I trying to make a baby, she selflessly tried to wake me with head, I ended up kneeing her in hers when my alarm started blasting, dislocating her jaw

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Revelation2217 t1_iwroz3l wrote

WOW!! Good luck next month. Maybe she should try it some morning you don't have an alarm set. :)

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SuperSlims t1_iws6nfx wrote

My dude, I have got to know what kind of alarm you have that scares the shit out of you. I have three phones with fours alarms each. One is out of arms reach on the wireless charger. One I just out side my door and the other is right next to my head. And I will still get up, turn them all off and get right back into bed. So please tell me what kind you have because I'm desperately trying not to get fired for being late again

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iLol_and_upvote t1_iwsm9jv wrote

buy a mechanical alarm w 2 bells at the top and a hammer in the middle(like the ones in cartoons) . I guarantee after a month you will be trained to wake up 10 seconds before it rings to stick your finger between the hammer and the bell

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SuperSlims t1_iwsmdug wrote

Had one, hated the thing, but sadly I got used to that one too. I have a problem.

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Leovaderx t1_iwtr7hl wrote

Damn!

At this point, you might have to wire some extreme speakers to a phone...

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SuperSlims t1_iwvpjq8 wrote

That's a good idea. Get a really nice home theater system wired in my room and hook it to a really annoying alarm lol

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twisted34 OP t1_iwsmhuq wrote

It sounds like a nuclear alarm and plays at rock concert levels of loud

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Tyziepoo86 t1_iwtchzs wrote

Mate, use songs, particularly “Smoke Em if you got ‘em” by Parkway Drive. Back in the day when iPhone docks were all the rage and your alarm would just be whatever the last song was, I had it set to max volume next to my bed and this song started playing…. The fear in my life at that moment in time is something I will never forget.

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Reytotheroxx t1_iwutmbf wrote

First time I tried that the song entered my dream. Watching Nyan Cat while sleeping is a surreal experience let me tell you

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urgunnadownvoteme t1_iww6nfy wrote

Pink Floyd- Time, AC/DC Hell's Bells, Ozzy Osborne Crazy Train, full volume on the stereo at 0530, the whole house will be up and half your neighbors. LOL We used Time on the boombox when I was in bootcamp.

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stealth57 t1_iwtyo27 wrote

Try timing when you fall asleep to when you wake up in 1.5 hour cycles. That’s the length of a full sleep cycle so you’ll wake up when you’re naturally almost awake rather than in the middle of deep sleep which is what makes one super groggy.

Edit: deep sleep, not deep REM

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SuperSlims t1_iwvprf7 wrote

Can you explain that a little more? Speaking of groggy. I just woke up so I'm having trouble processing what you are trying to say lol

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stealth57 t1_iwvtuy7 wrote

This website has more info.

Basically try to sleep 6 or 7.5 hrs each night. I guess try to imagine it like water. The surface is when you’re awake. Stage 1 (N1) is like a couple feet under. Stage 2 (N2) is maybe 5. When you go down to say like 15 feet, you’re in deep sleep (N3), REM (Stage 4) is like 10 feet (it’s closer to the surface because brain activity is higher as this is when you’re dreaming). Then you start going back up to the surface and you start again, this takes on average 90 minutes. You want to wake up when you’re just under the surface and you go through 4-6 cycles a night. Now everyone is different and different lengths to their sleep cycle so try 6 hours, then 6.5 hours, then 7 hours, etc. and when you don’t wake up groggy, then try to stick to that length of time.

I think there is an alarm clock that simulates the rising sun according to when you want to wake up so it will naturally help you reach Stage 1 and you won’t feel groggy.

Also, it’s better if you sleep when there’s absolutely no light in the room and it’s colder. Blackout blinds are a godsend.

Hope this helps!

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Ok-disaster2022 t1_iwuyj7w wrote

Use automatic lights to wake you up. There's plenty of options. Also keep a bottle of cold water next to bed, and drink some water to wake up. Water is better than coffee as part of the morning grogginess is caused by dehydration.

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SuperSlims t1_iwvq850 wrote

I drink a glass right before bed and first thing when I wake up. Have for a years now. It's a great way to jump start the organs and I haven't had a problem with acid reflux for a couple of years now. Water is awesome!!

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Bakaotsh t1_iwu7syr wrote

I'm glad I can wake up and get out of bed with one calm alarm even if I only slept for 2 hours :)

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SuperSlims t1_iwvpx58 wrote

Must be nice. I snoozed all of my alarms today and if my mom hadn't come to watch my kid for the day and kept me awake, I would have went right back to bed

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UnNamed234 t1_iwvedoc wrote

Try an app called Alarmy. You can set it to make you get up and scan a qr code to turn it off.

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SuperSlims t1_iwvqf9g wrote

My fellow human, I'll get up, scan the code and go "F this" and climb right back into bed. If I can't make it to bed, I'll curl up on the couch or floor. I'm a very stubborn person. I love my sleep way to much.

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kickout009 t1_iwsdt1f wrote

>jecting my baby batter my wife started to get a little annoyed, last time we were surprised to

Same! Aside from multiple phones, I also have my smart watch set to several alarms.

Please share that amazon link :((

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Freefortune t1_iwshigk wrote

I was very confused for far too long by the quote and response.

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Vertebrae_Viking t1_iws6934 wrote

Shit happens. I dislocated my jaw trying to eat a burger. In the doctor’s words: “Apparently it’s somewhat lose.”

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mrnatural18 t1_iwrpkg6 wrote

Good luck next month. You might not get any until then.

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ColdFix t1_iws4j2i wrote

Bang goes your fantasy about waking up to a BJ ever again!

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lunelily t1_iwsf9l8 wrote

> So Friday morning cums around

Bruh

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64Marc t1_iwsgnsw wrote

So a jaw-dropping knee-jerk reaction to a morning BJ. interesting, this seems to set off some alarms.

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Nuclear_Sister t1_iwsidzl wrote

Actually 3 times a day is isn't the best for conceiving, the 2nd and 3rd deposits don't have much sperm in them. Abstaining for 2 days before ovulation gives you a good shot.

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s0ciety_a5under t1_iwsgnt4 wrote

This is the best kind of story. It's got love, sex, comedy, a crisis and a safe resolution for everyone.

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Embarrassed_Shirt938 t1_iwsptkv wrote

It’s funny because she’s ok….good luck with your current venture 🤞

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foreignmacaroon6 t1_iwrzoyg wrote

How did you explain it to friends and family?

Lmao great stuff

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twisted34 OP t1_iwsmcd8 wrote

We will be keeping this to ourselves, and Reddit lol

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Silverthedragon t1_iwukfwc wrote

When I see posts like this I wonder if years down the line the kid will find his dad's reddit account and cringe into outer space.

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twisted34 OP t1_iwuugoj wrote

Oh, they will, and I will happily tell it to them at their 21st birthday as I get progressively more drunk

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Saxamaphooone t1_iwuyp05 wrote

If she’s dislocated her jaw before (and/or any other joints) has she been checked for hypermobility issues like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome? I have hEDS and while I’m pretty sure it’s part of the reason I have no gag reflex, it’s also the reason I have dislocated my jaw numerous times while deep throating partners, lol.

It’s always a good test of the other person’s level of calm too. I warned my now-husband about it and it happened the very first time I went down on him. I sat up, reduced it (I carry a syringe in my purse just for this reason), then went to continue a little less vigorously and he stopped me immediately and was like “whoa whoa, your jaw just came out of your skull. You don’t need to continue!” and I told him that my jaw comes out of my skull when I do a number of things. If I stopped trying to do what I was doing every time it happened, I’d never yawn, sing, yell and cheer at a game, eat hamburgers or subs, give head, etc. He sort of paused for a beat and then went, “okay then!” and we continued, lol.

Now he’s not even fazed when he wakes up to me putting the various parts of my skeleton back into place in the morning.

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twisted34 OP t1_iwv6jzy wrote

Only her jaw, it was previous trauma as well. No EDS for her, she has no other symptoms we've ever noted

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R4phh t1_iwt2dvt wrote

First and last time you’ll ever get head in the morning 😂😭

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Tanagrabelle t1_iwtc4s5 wrote

I'm sure glad you're both alright!

Just relax and go with the flow?

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Article23Point1 t1_iwvne5a wrote

>After 2 months of injecting my baby batter

SIR

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kerplunkerfish t1_ix1fy71 wrote

This alarm business is the kind of over-engineered solution that seesaws between sublime genius and absolute dumbfuckery.

And I'm all for it.

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Lt_Muffintoes t1_iwto33w wrote

FYI low carb diets and cutting out seed oils are usually the most effective way to improve fertility. Make sure to eat animal fats too.

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KnowUrEnemy_ t1_iwtoaat wrote

Maybe that's a sign you shouldn't bring beings into existence (against their will)

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