So the fuck up was actually on Boxing Day. I have been relegated to the couch because of what happened, so I just got a moment to write this now.

On the 26th we had the in laws over for a braai (BBQ) as our Christmas meal. Things were going great until I find out that we are having, amongst other things, pork fillet, angel kisses (cherries wrapped in bacon) as well as Gammon in the oven.

We were also having ice cream, mousse and my grandmother's trifle (she only makes it once a year so it's special).

I mention these things because I am lactose intolerant and also very sensitive to pork. Not one to turn down a challenge, I decided to indulge myself and have some of everything.

Big mistake.

Usually I can handle it, but this time it hit hard. I could feel my stomach start to churn and things start happening down below. I try to distance myself at first but I just can't hold it in and start to let off silent bombs.

Family want to talk and I just want to run away.

Soon I run out of corners to defile with my stench. And I start to hold it in as I proceed to experience stomach "burps"

At this point I am visibly in pain and I am sweating profusely.

I was about to go outside and try let off some "steam" But then my wife starts to smell something funky. And decides to close the windows and doors because sometimes the nearby river has a sewer smell, so to try and keep that at bay, all exits were sealed, and it's going to look weird if I go and stand outside with said sewer smell brewing.

Another big mistake.

My guts have now moved on to the second phase and evacuation is imminent.

We have 1.5 bathrooms. One upstairs attached to the bedroom and one downstairs which is just a toilet.

As I get up from the couch to go to the kitchen - it happens. The flood gates start trembling, it's about to happen. I have no time to get to the bathroom upstairs so I waddle to the toilet that's 2 meters away from the family. I barely make it as I start to empty my bowels while still on my way to the seat.

It just keeps coming. I don't even have to push. Sweat dripping from my face.

At the same time I am trying to contain the damage. I take my shirt off and try to block the gap under the door. I empty a can off spray. Flushing with each anal explosion.

The house is very old so this little bathroom doesn't have a window on it - only a wall vent that goes into the house...

I am going strong for a solid 5 minutes My asshole is on fire.

I finally finish. I scrub and bleach the toilet as well as the rim. I exit the bathroom feeling like I just walked off a BangBros set.

I arrive to an empty lounge and every single door and window open.

I see the gate on the stairs is locked (it's a security gate for night times) I sheepishly call up the stairs "Hello?"

I get a simple "FUCK OFF" back from my wife.

I resort to spending the rest of the day outside with the dog as sitting was No longer an option.

After the dust and smell settles I hear from my wife that when the carnage commenced she started to gag and wretch a bunch (she has a very low tolerance for smells) and they ended up having to all go and sit in the bedrooms. Mom, dad, wife, daughter and grandmother (88 years old)

So here I am - about to spend the third night on the couch. I am still in pain and cannot sit down. Every fart feels like Im sitting on a vibrating cheese grater.

Tl;Dr

I ate stuff I shouldn't have. My stomach basically turned inside out and I destroyed my ass and the toilet. As such, I forced the whole family to go sit in the bedrooms upstairs. And I am now sleeping on the couch (until further notice).

At least the dog still loves me.

EDIT: Thanks for the awards people of Reddit. I am glad I could share this shit show with someone.

Somebody asked for dog tax so here is a picture of VANTA the labrador X great Dane.

https://i.imgur.com/GLZlAPw.jpg