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respectfulpanda t1_j1tocva wrote

You're in a relationship with her. If she wants her family to be part of her life, and by extension yours, you will need to bury that part of you that judges them and spend time them.

It's okay to talk to her about how the family makes you feel, but if you're drawing a line in the sand that says you're not willing to try to support her, I wouldn't count on being in that relationship long-term, and that might be the best for both of you.

"I love your family!"

"Yes, but I hate yours and because I don't want to put the needs of my partner before myself, in an area that really I should be able to, don't expect anything from me."

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throwaway9908273 t1_j1tqeai wrote

I understand. I definitely do need to bury it and just try my best, I think I'm holding a lot of judgment against them without much real reason. So I'll try and see how it goes.

I do try to support her with her family problems, I just do not want to become this backbone that she always relies on. It may be unfair but I feel like she needs to be able to deal with some of it herself. I didn't include this in the original post but we're both going off to college very soon, meaning I most likely won't be able to be there for her every little thing and why I want her to learn to be able to help herself. That being said, I don't really understand where I'm drawing the line, or where I don't want to put her needs before mine.

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Cocodrilo-Leche t1_j1tyn1t wrote

I think the fact that you’re both younger makes a difference. If you were closer to marriage, and seriously considering legally joining each other’s families in the next few years, that makes this type of sacrifice much more important. But if you’re both on your way to college, it’s a lot less likely you’ll be interacting with each other’s families a ton, at least during the school year. Overall, I could be wrong, but at that age there’s probably many steps before marriage, so unless you have to see them all the time, integrating into a family you find difficult doesn’t need to be your biggest priority. It can be done in smaller, more manageable doses than a prolonged trip with them. I also respect the honesty in an uncomfortable situation

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RudeSprinkles1240 t1_j1tsszp wrote

Yeah, that sounds like a great way to make sure you're miserable.

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respectfulpanda t1_j1xa3ji wrote

Then they are in the wrong relationship. It's clear that the family is important to her.

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