TIFU by ruining my chances of getting into a relationship.

Submitted by not_thatguyagain t3_zvqmr2 in tifu

I 20M, matched on tinder with her 20F about a year and a half ago, we couldn't really see each other for some time because she didn't live near me. She moved to my city for studies and we went on a date which didn't really end up well because we ended up not sitting next to each other at a comedy show. There had been some mix up with the tickets but that's not important. We came out of there bummed out because the show wasn't really that good and sitting next to each other would have set a better mood in general. We went home shortly after, but I could have suggested we went for a drink to salvage the bad date. Well I didn't. We still kept in touch but she went to her hometown for the holidays.

When 2022 came around we went to a nice bar for a couple of beers. We had a good conversation but neither of us made any moves that night. Probably because we're both shy. She has social anxiety and I'm a moron who didn't really have any prior experience with dating women. We still kept in touch though and texted daily.

To keep it short, a few weeks ago she texted me she liked me and I didn't really react. I didn't really know how to react. Though I suggested we went on a date, and we actually went. At the time of the date it seemed she wasn't really in the mood for anything, so I didn't want to push my luck making any move that she wouldn't appreciate or even worse, put her in an uncomfortable position.

Fast forward to yesterday, I texted her that I'd seen us cuddling in my dream in front of the tv watching something. She asked me how I felt about that and Instead of telling her that it felt good and I wanted that to happen IRL, I compared it with another dream I had that night, saying that cuddling wasn't as bad as me throwing a minor celebrity out of a car for insulting my driving. Then she texted me that she wasn't willing to ask uncomfortable questions to milk some insight to wether I want to be with her or not and that I really need to work on "opening up about shit". Now I feel like a dumbass because I wasted my chance of actually getting into a somewhat meaningful relationship with a nice person. I probably ruined Christmas and put both of us into an unnecessarily awkward situation.

TL;DR: I ruined my chance of getting into a relationship because I can't openly talk about my feelings.

Thanks for reading this. Not looking to make anyone feel sorry for myself. I just wanted to take a weight of my back. Anyway, I wish everyone nice holidays and for 2023 to be more productive and creative.

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Comments

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moja_ofinka t1_j1qkf5f wrote

I don’t think it’s too late! Now is your chance to open up and REALLY talk about your emotions.

“[Name], I shouldn’t have made that joke yesterday in place of sharing my feelings with you. I really like you and [fill with how you feel about her here, it’s something I’m working on,I’m sorry, etc]…”

Maybe she’s moved on already, but I’d say you still have another chance.

ETA: my life partner and I met on tinder. He didn’t even kiss me until 3 dates in which was crazy for me at that time of dating but so refreshing 😅

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phillipjhart t1_j1qxlv0 wrote

You're right, of course, but at 20 I probably wouldn't have realized that either.

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moja_ofinka t1_j1qyuxf wrote

No that’s soooo true. My early 20s were a dark time in my dating life haha

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Lucashmere t1_j1qtodc wrote

Bro, I was expecting to hear some truly embarrassing story… you didn’t screw anything up at all! Trust me, the fact that she spoke up about your actions to you, means that she likes you. If she didn’t like you, there would be no need on her part, to try to get you to open up. You had a perfect opportunity to talk about cuddling with her and then you changed the subject- that part you screwed up, sure, but idk why you sound as if the relationship is done for.

Now that you know she’s into you, try not to be so shy to talk about wanting to spend time with her/wanting to kiss her, etc. I overthink shit way too much too, but I promise you’re fine dude. If you want to shift gears you could tell her something like “hey I appreciate you being comfortable enough with me to ask me to open up more. I promise I will try, but I just want you to know that if I end up going back to my same ways, I’ll always respect you for being upfront with me the way you were the other day. I want you to know that I’ll put in effort to make this work, because I really like you.” Good luck m8, and have fun :)

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phillipjhart t1_j1qzxku wrote

A couple of people have already told you how to salvage the situation. I'd like to give some advice on how to prevent such things in the future, not just with romantic relationships but human interaction in general. Obligatory "based on my experience" and YMMV.

When I was your age (c. 2004) I had recently/would soon come to a few key realizations. Most key, and last learned, was that by constantly overthinking how who might react to which potential situations to the point of in-the-moment paralysis wasn't just holding me back now, I was actively ruining my future. Yes, actively ruining by not acting. Secondly, the -vast- majority of people will have no recollection of the things that you consider so majorly embarrassing they keep you up at night. Finally, and this is more a corollary of the second point, the people that do remember those intactions are extremely focused on how they acted or failed to act. Just like you do.

I'm pushing 40, married my very extroverted best friend 15 years ago, and am still very much an introvert. I also tend to sleep peacefully at night. Well, not night, but that's because I worked third shift until my knees disintegrated

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ZergeNN t1_j1r8r0d wrote

jesus you fcking idiot, just write to her that u like her

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justenskinner t1_j1qk87q wrote

I’ll just put this here. Good on you for being considerate of her feelings and respectful.

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Theplantcharmer t1_j1r8ayv wrote

You're lucky she's still interested more than a year into it.

Grow a pair and make a move

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VoxR4710 t1_j1rv7cj wrote

Been there mate. You can talk openly, you just need to slow down in the moment and consider it properly, instead of discarding immediately as "vulnerability = bad". Do it now. Message and say this shit. And for future, rejection doesn't have to be humiliating. The way you handle it is the main factor that decides that, imo. You're just a guy that likes a girl.. a story as old and honest as time itself.

Also you prob didn't ruin her christmas lol.. not to be a downer but if you have 1 girl interested, that girl prob has 5+ guys interested. Is what it is. Just get to her before someone else does!

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_j1sesap wrote

Which minor celebrity did you throw out of the car, and how do you feel about them IRL?

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not_thatguyagain OP t1_j1udl0z wrote

a really good guitar player who doesn't really get the recognition he deserves.

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