Here's my version.

I was born with flat feet. This is important to know because once upon I went water skiing when I was a teenager.

I walk like a duck with my feet pointed out, and can't really hold them straight. The error with water skiing was that I immediately did the splits my first time on the skis, and strained every muscle in my groin and inner thighs, because my feet point out like that.

Genius me decides when I get home to put Icy Hot on my thighs. Icy Hot doesn't really stay put.

After a few minutes I realized my error, and...

...well, the story ends with my mom barging into the bathroom, concerned, to see me doing the doggie wipe in the tub, screaming in agony from both the pain in my thighs and my burning McNuggets.

That tub couldn't fill fast enough.