Submitted by Choice_Ad9265 t3_zulndg in tifu

So I (30f) planned Christmas Eve boxes for parents (both 66) and my boyfriend (31m). These things have been stressing me tf out. I hand burned (pyrography) individual designs on each box and went out and bough fluffy socks, a puzzle book, an interesting book, some chocolates and some alcohol.

My father is notoriously hard to buy for. He has everything he could possibly need, so my partner helped me find the books to put in his box. We went for a small sudoku book and a book called 'Brilliantly Bad' subtitled 'Inventions so bad they're good'. I flicked open, saw a page called 'combined coat and urinal', giggled and told my boyfriend we shouldn't, he similarly flicked to a page and found something equally as benign and said it was fine. Agreed, we purchased the book and it was placed in his box, happily containing it's knowledge until tonight.

We all opened our boxes, much oohing and ahhing at the thoughtful books, everyone begins to flick through. I'm joyfully watching the happiness I have brought to my loved ones and then I look over at my father.

The man who raised me is say there slowly turning deeper shades of red as he tries desperately to maintain his composure and not laugh. I ask what he's spotted, expecting that he's having a chuckle over the urinal coat or some other underpant related invention. Nope, he giggles like a school girl and announces to the room that he's looking at a design for a 'sexual device with a smoking pipe'. My other half loses it and is giggling almost as much as my father. My mother looks horrified, and I want the ground to open up and swallow me. But no, it doesn't. Instead my father regales us with such wonders as 'The Musical Condom', 'Man's DIY erection truss', 'Nipple Suppression Device' and 'Portable Vibrating Bidet'. My mother is trying to process what's going on whilst asking questions that should never be uttered by a 66 year old woman such as 'why does a bidet need to vibrate? Why are they talking about nipples? What's that picture of?'.

Needless to say my father thinks this is the best Christmas present ever and wishes to take it to all family events over the next few weeks, my boyfriend is gleefully laughing at my complete and utter embarrassment, and my mother keeps asking about things that I never ever wanted to discuss with her.

So yeah, Christmas is great!

TL;DR; I bought my 66 father a book filled with NSFW inventions without realising and now my mother won't stop asking me questions I really do not want to answer.

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Comments

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AutisticPenguin2 t1_j1jz7vu wrote

Reply with "I'll tell you when you're older". Give her a taste of her own medicine 😀

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Choice_Ad9265 OP t1_j1jzhbe wrote

I just make the sound of a strangled meerkat and swiftly exit whatever room she's in 😅 no mother I will not explain to you why 'Decorative Penile Wrap' is apparently a thing.

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MrScrib t1_j1k71ax wrote

She knows.

She's been playing innocent since she was a third your age, but you weren't born from nowhere.

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AdvonKoulthar t1_j1lbri4 wrote

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SpicyRice99 t1_j1lsl26 wrote

Does XKCD really have a comic for EVERYTHING?

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SturgiesYrFase t1_j1lvui1 wrote

Yes

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maggotshero t1_j1m6239 wrote

I mean, just because your have a kid doesn't mean you know all of the far reaches of kinks

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Smythe28 t1_j1l5jxe wrote

Tell her to google it if she’s so curious, that’s what we did playing Cards Against Humanity with my grandfather 😅

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A_Filthy_Mind t1_j1m70iu wrote

Gahh, memories of my sil explaining to my mil what pixelated bukkake was just resurfaced.

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SometimesGlad1389 t1_j1mrzn6 wrote

Hahah my husband once had to explain that one to my grandma. I've never seen him turn so red lmao

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peachesdelmonte t1_j1llgyl wrote

When my Mom asks awkward questions I just say, "hmmm, I don't know, why don't you look it up on urban dictionary?" Now she does it without asking me first!

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a-snakey t1_j1mnkan wrote

Something tells me ol dad will be trying to diy some of these inventions. Mom is going to find out soon^tm

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AutisticPenguin2 t1_j1o4wsk wrote

Maybe, but finding out would involve pouring into their parent's sex life, so I guess we'll never know 🤷

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[deleted] t1_j1kh1w0 wrote

[removed]

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AutisticPenguin2 t1_j1mjf8j wrote

Jesus dude... there's a time and a place, this is neither. Take your horny arse to a porn sub or something.

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Pure_Discipline_293 t1_j1mkb50 wrote

Nah, I’m fine right here. Thanks

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KyloRenCadetStimpy t1_j1k4zqb wrote

Sounds like your dad is sick of being coddled, and you have one hell of a high bar to beat next year

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Splunkzop t1_j1k9d4q wrote

My mother (78) read 50 Shades and told me it was pretty tame. I said if you want to read something shocking, read this... then sent her '120 days of Sodom' by the Marquis de Sade. Hahaha, she could only read a few pages.

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LadyOfLindens t1_j1kgr2g wrote

My grandma once announced to me and some of my cousins and her daughters that she read 50 Shades and it was boring and unimpressive. We all nearly died and she was shrugging it off like it was no big deal. None of us expected her to even know about it let alone having read it… LET ALONE HAVING READ IT AND FOUND IT BORING AND VERY UNDERWHELMING

Granted she and Grandpa made 13 babies together so I guess they kept things fresh between them 😝

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Beach_Dreams2007 t1_j1kqys4 wrote

The writing is painful. PAINFUL. I couldn’t get into it because I couldn’t get past the writing.

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ezio1452 t1_j1kv6f4 wrote

The movie is equally painful. So fucking cringe.

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northerngurl333 t1_j1kv40n wrote

I read it and then needed to read a real book- like the Chinese food of literature.

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Mr_Abra t1_j1lplh5 wrote

I misunderstood on first glance and thought you needed to read a real book, like a Chinese food menu. I giggled. That was all.

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LadyOfLindens t1_j1lrhbk wrote

Ih that’s interesting to note as poor writing can definitely ruin a book! I’ve never read it myself and never intended in it so I hadn’t heard about the quality issue before.

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N7_Hellblazer t1_j1o0n4a wrote

Honestly it’s like poorly written fan fiction. I believe it was based on the writers twilight fan fiction but don’t quote me on that.

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Raichu7 t1_j1l6c85 wrote

It’s poorly written and most of the sex scenes are assault. I don’t understand why it’s so popular.

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LadyOfLindens t1_j1lrjwk wrote

A lot of poorly written material gets popular tbh. And so many incredibly written pieces get overlooked and remain mostly unknown. Sad fact of the literary world it seems!

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Atze-Peng t1_j1n22ia wrote

My great grandmother read romantic smut hybrids all her life. Don't think this stuff didn't exist back in the day

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LadyOfLindens t1_j1n4w08 wrote

Exactly! We grow up thinking we’re so modern with stuff our grandparents and beyond couldn’t comprehend but nah we’re all humans and it’s all been done to some degree in some way before XD

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Atze-Peng t1_j1nmbsj wrote

I mean, people back then didn't get to have 6+ kids by not enjoying sex.

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SilverDem0n t1_j1ktpiu wrote

>she could only read a few pages.

Well to be fair, 120 Days of Sodom is terribly written, particularly toward the end. It's a difficult read because it's actually kinda dull. Shocking, yes, but numbing too, such that it shocks less than it should.

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RandomUsername12123 t1_j1lgdvj wrote

Honestly i have read it as a teenager (only the start) and imagined everyone in it to be hot

I rarely masturbated to a book but this one... Uhm....

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poignantname t1_j1lix2d wrote

You realise that the majority of the people in the book are either children or described as being hideous examples of humanity, right?

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RandomUsername12123 t1_j1llsr2 wrote

The studs and the women are so hot tho.

And i didn't really mind the descriptions as in my mind everyone was attractive, age appropriate and it was a kink thing 😂

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MundaneRuxx t1_j1msine wrote

Who the fuck is downvoting this? All the characters who aren't wealthy men are literal children. The book spends the first 3 chapters telling the reader, over and over and over. It's half the point of the book, doing taboo things by emphasizing how taboo they are.

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RandomUsername12123 t1_j1ni8fa wrote

The book is objectively disgusting of you think of if for more than 10 seconds and the more it goes, the more it worsen

No reason to say otherwise but hey.

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wingchild t1_j1o4stm wrote

That's de Sade in a nutshell: telling you what a libertine he thinks he is, while being endlessly repetitive to make sure you remember that rules are being broken. Aims for transgressive, lands on boring. Justine is like that, too; after a while it's less "oh no, poor Justine, set upon by all these creatures of lust" and more "what haven't they done yet? let's tuck that in. Oh we did that? Let's triple it up".

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MundaneRuxx t1_j1qo947 wrote

Exactly this. I think most people who read his stuff are attracted to the taboo and hype and very quickly get gore-bored. It's not a warning sign if you've read de sade, it's a red flag if you finished de sade.

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Pinsalinj t1_j1nshfy wrote

Want a well-written book with a LOT of elaborate kinks? The Sleeping Beauty Series by Anne Rice.

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Squigglepig52 t1_j1m374f wrote

My mom used to read books like popcorn, she'd read nearly anything. We used to swap books back and forth, so I managed to get her to read Pratchett and Banks, stuff like that.

She drops off a pile and... holy shit. There's two Lustbader books, including "the Ninja".

I read them back when I was a teen. Each book is about 50% extreme ninja violence, and depraved sex. Like, I hid those books from my mom back in the day.

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repocin t1_j1pcojg wrote

There's certainly an interesting story in how that book got published (from wikipedia):

>Sade wrote it in secrecy while imprisoned in the Bastille in 1785; shortly after he was transferred elsewhere the Bastille was attacked by revolutionaries, leading him to believe the work was destroyed, but unbeknownst to him it was instead recovered and preserved by a mysterious figure and subsequently handed over to a multitude of people, culminating in its publication in 1904.

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djrosen99 t1_j1klkxc wrote

I'm not seeing the fu here. Sounds like you have great parents. Both my parents are gone now but my mom was the coolest mother ever. She always said I could ask her anything and I did and we had the best relationship because of it.

Were there embarrassing moments, for me, sure, my mom always laughed them off and eventually, so did I. I miss her very much, thanks for the memory.

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_j1keyr7 wrote

I hope he gathers the family around the fireplace and reads from this book

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Pure_Discipline_293 t1_j1khqlh wrote

Story is probably gonna go like this :

Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house

everyone was drunk

even the mouse.

With mom at the whore house

and dad smokin grass

I settled down

for a nice piece of ass

when out on the lawn

arose such a clatter

I sprang from my piece

to see what was the matter

and out on the lawn

I seen some big dick

and I knew in a moment

it must be St.Nick

he flew down my chimney like a bat out of hell

and i knew in a moment

the fucker had fell

He filled all our stocking with pretzels and beer

and a big rubber dick for my brother,

the non-binary person with the tight rear

then he rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart

the son of a bitch blew my chimney apart

cussing and cursing as he rode out of sight.

pissing on all

having one hell of a night.

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Choice_Ad9265 OP t1_j1lbvc6 wrote

I would like to add that we are a stereotypical British family where me and my dad will have a smirk at innuendo but my mother is blessed with all the innocence and thought dogging was the breeding of show dogs. If anyone else wants to claim she's putting it on, please tell me where I can apply for her golden globe because she's the best bloody actor I've ever seen and it's been many, many years 😂

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mpbeasto123 t1_j1lkase wrote

Well, my grandmother (who is a little older, but is an old British woman) was asked to judge a dog show, and was extremely confused by a comment that suggested that she would be far better at: "dogging the judges"

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PunkOverLord t1_j1k47wy wrote

What’s the name of the book? I’m dying of laughter. These names came out of left field.

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InfernalAdze t1_j1ke111 wrote

Brilliantly Bad: Inventions So Terrible They're Good by Mark Tanner

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queen_of_potato t1_j1kgdaa wrote

I'm definitely buying this for my Mum's partner next year! He is also difficult to buy for but I reckon he would have a right laugh over this.. also as an engineer can make disparaging comments about the potential of the inventions for extra fun!

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HaikuBotStalksMe t1_j1m5ysb wrote

Did you read the post without reading the post? 🤔

> We went for a small sudoku book and a book called 'Brilliantly Bad' subtitled 'Inventions so bad they're good'.

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PunkOverLord t1_j1mx8vu wrote

I wanted to confirm.

Brilliantly Bad: Inventions So Terrible They’re Good by Mark Tanner

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zaira_storm t1_j1ksps7 wrote

Your post will increase sales for the book. You might consider reposting it as a book review on a site that sells it.

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bossSHREADER_210 t1_j1l036f wrote

That's not a TIFU that's just a flat win! You got something for someone hard to get things for and he loves it

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imakesawdust t1_j1km1c1 wrote

Looks like Amazon and B&N won't have copies until May 2023... I'll add it to my watchlist.

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Numbers666 t1_j1ljtci wrote

Available Amazon UK 50% off... Delivery Tuesday. Ordered!!!

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GuysMcFellas t1_j1lghp1 wrote

This is not a fuck up. This is a brilliant gift! It seems like he loves it, which is a huge win in my book.

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Se7enLC t1_j1m4oqt wrote

It seems like you accidentally posted to "Today I Fucked Up" instead of "Today I Won Christmas"

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phenominal73 t1_j1kvcaa wrote

Your dad loves the gift, it will always bring him joy and laughter. Win win.

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PigsEatWaffles t1_j1li7bp wrote

In the two directions this could’ve gone, you definitely ended up with the best outcome

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31spiders t1_j1lxwov wrote

>Needless to say my father thinks this is the best Christmas present ever and wishes to take it to all family events over the next few weeks

Sounds like you nailed it then. These kinda stories ARE the ones that last though. “Hey Jeb remember when Katie bought you that sex book that one Christmas?” You’ll laugh about it one day anyways.

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PoolObjective2733 t1_j1ls8u3 wrote

Then consider it the best Christmas ever and enjoy the memories cause you'll miss these times when they are gone.

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yamo25000 t1_j1m654a wrote

This isn't a fu, this is a win at gift giving.

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[deleted] t1_j1l9whl wrote

[deleted]

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AIRover07 t1_j1mveuh wrote

>We went for a small sudoku book and a book called 'Brilliantly Bad' subtitled 'Inventions so bad they're good'.

Is this what tiktok has done to our population

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CupICup t1_j1lq4ve wrote

How’d you fuck up if they like everything?

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--DSW-- t1_j1m6i73 wrote

why is this posted here no sir you did not fuck up

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Aleblanco1987 t1_j1mkr0m wrote

You made a gift and the recipient liked it. That's a win.

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eatme13 t1_j1mrmf7 wrote

Honey, what’s B-b-boo-kuh-key?

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fatguyqtpie t1_j1m0h53 wrote

Disgusting!

Where can I buy that?

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Psychological_Ant488 t1_j1m5plj wrote

You won Christmas! Even if it was a mistake, seems like it brings your father joy, that's all we want for Christmas 😁

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Queen-of-Elves t1_j1md9qw wrote

If it makes you feel better yesterday for Christmas Eve I got to explain to my Aunt what a squirter is (in relation to women)!!

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Steveonthetoast t1_j1mibtc wrote

Haha. Well done unintentionally. Everyone laughed and Mom asked some awkward questions. I would call that a win

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Li_3303 t1_j1ngoxu wrote

A little peek into my Christmas. While my 86 year old Dad talked about a pair of shoes he wore until they wore out my niece opened up a demon goat finger puppet.

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cosmernaut420 t1_j1nsh12 wrote

Sounds like you knocked it out of the park, I kept waiting for a fuck up that never materialized. If anything, you fucked up by providing the weapon with which your father is killing your mother's innocence.

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SadExtension524 t1_j1lr8lr wrote

Nah I'd say you understood the assignment!

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Pumpkin_Pie t1_j1lwnsw wrote

Sounds like the opposite of a fu

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ShibbyShibby89 t1_j1lwpt0 wrote

Sounds utterly amazing! You made your Dad’s day! Your boyfriend is bonding with him over absolutely loosing it over silly things, and it’ll be a christmas to remember forever!

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bob-boss t1_j1lxq3z wrote

Congrats, he loved the gift

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Mont-ka t1_j1lydiu wrote

I'm getting big "Curb Your Enthusiasm" freak book vibes from this lol.

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dc_IV t1_j1lzxs8 wrote

Show her the invention/device that has an automatic page turner, no hands needed! AND, it has a splash shield and sweat sock holder for good measure!

/s

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sapphiric t1_j1n655s wrote

I am laugh crying right now! So glad he gets such enjoyment out of it! Best gift ever!

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BlackSoulSailor t1_j1nt06f wrote

Portable vibrating bidet is a thing I never knew I needed to have in my life....

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TonyToews t1_j1vvykc wrote

Thank you very much. I have just ordered that book on myb favourite used book website.

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WutWhoSaidDat t1_j1kvllu wrote

How is this a fuck up?

Maybe stop being weird. Like, I joked with my parents how I enjoy getting my prostate fingered. Imagine actually being embarrassed cuz your dad actually likes your gift.

And you’re 30! The way you’re acting you would think you’re 16 or something.

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