Submitted by throwawaydiglet t3_zom893 in tifu

ok so this is just a throwaway account since this is kind of embarrassing but i have to say it somewhere. warning it's painful

was having dinner a couple nights ago as most people do. had some good schnitzel with mash and peas. the peas were where everything went wrong.... so for a bit of backstory I was busy and couldn't cook myself so the family was cooking that night. everything turned out great and we had a great meal. unfortunately one specific family member, we'll just call her Bunko, was in charge of the veg. now Bunko has a track record for being horrible but I feel like this is one of her more evil acts. she decided as she was cooking the peas to dump in copious amounts of BICARBONATE OF SODA!! do I know why she does this? no, no I do not. but idk if you've ever eaten peas that have been cooked with truckloads of the stuff, so let me tell you, it doesn't end well. or painlessly.

cut forward to this morning I'm laying in bed asleep before being woken up by the most violent of cramps in my lower abdomen. I'm talking that bad I almost checked to make sure I hadn't been sliced open in my sleep. I decided I couldn't lay there and endure the pain so while clutching my gut like a wounded soldier I made my way to the bathroom and got to the toilet as soon as possible before the alien like beast erupted from my body like in the movies.

this is where it all kept going downhill....and got gross.......

as soon as my ass made contact with the toilet seat, a volcano the exact size and shape of my lower body erupted with the most violent, burning ass-lava humanity could ever begin to perceive. at some point I was sure there was a mini war going on back there from the sounds of almost gunshots ringing through the house. all I could do was hold on and pray for salvation that for all I knew would never come.

even as I'm typing this I haven't moved. I'm not sure I can. it's like I'm paralysed from the waist down. will I ever see my family again? am I stuck here? is this my life now? I was gonna go for a walk today but I don't think I can stand anymore....

message of the day: don't eat peas if a shitty family member cooks them. and if you do? good luck

TL;DR ate bicarbonate of soda peas and became the sole inhabitant of the most painful ass-lava eruption known to man

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Comments

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RudeSprinkles1240 t1_j0oqk6j wrote

Baking soda? Wouldn't that make them taste so bad you couldn't eat enough of them to make you sick? I've dissolved baking soda in water for really bad indigestion-- like more than twice the recommended amount, and didn't get diarrhea from it.

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throwawaydiglet OP t1_j0oqn4c wrote

unfortunately I'm extremely sensitive to it and couldn't taste it until it was too late

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RudeSprinkles1240 t1_j0p65hv wrote

Doubtful.

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throwawaydiglet OP t1_j0p86ck wrote

i- doubtful of WHAT

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RudeSprinkles1240 t1_j0pb754 wrote

Of you telling the truth.

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throwawaydiglet OP t1_j0pcfeo wrote

I beg of you to tell me exactly what is hard to believe about being sensitive to something and then experiencing a reaction to that thing. go on.

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RudeSprinkles1240 t1_j0pdszo wrote

Osmosis is objective physics and baking soda objectively tastes bad.

Edit: but if your claim is that you're too stupid to recognize that there's an ungodly amount of baking soda in something that should have none, then okay. You're either very very stupid or lying.

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throwawaydiglet OP t1_j0pg1g4 wrote

okay so let me get this straight.....you choose to claim that something is false because YOU have an opinion on a single object. fun fact, being sensitive to bicarb soda is very much a thing and I react to even the smallest amounts. reason I couldn't taste it? other flavours were overpowering it. I guess next time I need to include a 2 hour audio plus 20 pictures and a flavour sample?

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Born4thJuly t1_j0nqiqr wrote

Sounds like my ex cooking those dreadful things. Instant diarrhea every single time. What is people's obsession with peas are I'll never know. I had some from the deli yesterday and just eating them I cringed thinking about my last few experiences with "them". Cringe

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TheTiffani86 t1_j0oeduy wrote

This made me glad I'm allergic to peas. Sorry about the butt lava.

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jungerfrosch t1_j0p6j9f wrote

Maybe OP is as well?

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TheTiffani86 t1_j0rn3ap wrote

Seems like it but, I can't speak from experience. My whole family hates peas (except one sister) so I never had a reaction them. I only know because I had an allergy test done for some other issues.

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