Desperation will reveal many previously unknown options to you. Necessity is the mother of invention.

1. Did you get fully naked before pooping? I doubt it, you sound like a dookie rookie and that is a pro pooper move. How attached to your underwear/socks are you?

2. Anything in the wallet? Your boss's business card perhaps? Any low denomination bills? How much cash is your dignity worth?

3. when you say the roll is empty, exactly HOW empty? It is technically possible to fully wipe with half of one square. Save a corner to clean the finger nail.

4. Did you consider unfolding the empty cardboard roll? Cardboard is uncomfortable, but less so than the waddle up the stairs. It still counts as paper. Your gun may be out of ammo, but you can still throw the gun.

5. I pray you at least chose the master bath. Jump in the shower, grit your teeth, and dig in. It is impossible to be dirty in the shower. Waffle stomp the excess down the drain. Do NOT use the loofah.

Good luck, and Godspeed soldier.