Three words. Talk to her. No point telling reddit about this. If you felt uncomfortable with what you did then talk to her about it. If you’re messing with any of these kind of activities you should 100% have a safe word and as long as the two of you communicate you will always be on the same page and you won’t have to worry like this.

Let's hope she calls the police and files sexual assault charges so everyone who lives nearby you know how fucked up you are.

You severely messed up mate, to go that hard without talking about safe words is pretty bad. Especially since you normally don’t go that far. You should have talked to her first about how much pain or tools you’d use.

Time to sit down, well she can stand, and have that conversation about limits and safe words. This wasn't any issue of consent, just a bad sexual experience, and you'll both get through it if you want to stay together.

You should also talk about safe ways to initiate punishment sessions. Burning down the house or making actual poor life choices doesn't get sexy spanking, it gets boring discussions about grown up decision making.

Now is the time to have a real talk. There always needs to be a safe word. Even as simple as "red light". But she needs aftercare and to know that she can trust you. Go talk to her and you guys will be able to move pass this and be stronger for it.

Three words: TALK TO HER.

Two more words: SAFE WORD!

Your user name indicates you like golden showers but spanking is a bridge too far? 😏

You are both in a learning curve. Do not hide feelings and be brutally honest. Being completely vulnerable and expressing oneself is the only way to have a successful dom/sub relationship.

If she's saying she wants you to go hard on her because she feels genuinely guilty and she thinks she deserves it... Kinda sounds an awful lot like it's less of a kink thing and more of a "self harm via you" thing. You had her consent (sort of--no safe words is a bad plan always and inherently blurs the line between consent and no consent when things get intense), but even having consent doesn't mean that it can't still be harmful. Lots of people with trauma reenact it in ways like this, and while it can be fun and even healing if it's done properly, it can also 100% be very damaging and retraumatizing if it's not. Not saying that's her situation, but I wouldn't rule it out. Y'all really need to talk about this stuff.

Is her bad behavior becoming more extreme because to increase the level of punishment because she needs more to satisfy her kink? This could turn into a runaway train, if you catch my meaning. Kind of like the old coke commercial...I do more coke so I can work more hours so I can make more money so I can do more coke so I can work more hours so I can make more money so I can do more coke..... Get out in front of this, soon, before things take a bad turn for both of you.

You need a safe word.

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Yeah, almost burning down your house or apartment does not get you sexy time, you're not getting rewarded for almost causing tens of thousands of dollars worth of damage and permanently changing your lives.

I use "Ynysybwl".

if you're gagged, shake your head and say "ah ah ah ah ah."

After a lot of research and reading tons of posts, I can tell you the best safeword is "Bedbugs". Nobody continues what they are doing after somebody says "Bedbugs", especially near a bed. It is the universal safe word, even if you haven't discussed safe words.

This, seriously. The safe word is for both the dom and the sub's sake, the dom needs a way to check in

Obviously you need to talk to her, and if you haven't worked it out for yourself already you ALWAYS need a safe word if you are going to do anything that involves the possibility of you not stopping when you are explicitly told to stop.

YEAH my husband has went too far spanking till i was in tears with bruised ass.. not cool.

Hopefully this will teach both of you that violence is not a toy.

One word: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Zero words:

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Negative one word: Hey, who stole my ?

Negative two words: You'll never catch, .

This is why I hate these kinds of relationships. Once you cross their line, there is no turning back. Too fine a line between BDSM and a domestic abuse relationship. She can now send your ass to prison since she decided your crossed the line. Better to just avoid these. However, if not, get documentation like texts that proves she has been asking to be punished that hard. Don’t feel guilty about this. She’s the one asking for it. You made a mistake you didn’t know about. If she set no limitations, she should apologize. Only she knows her pain tolerance. She needs to make you aware of that.

I agree completely. It's one thing to get spanked as role play but it's another if she says she deserved it in all seriousness. There may be a psychological reason behind her behaviour that you should talk about.

Why would her crying be normal? Does she usually cry?

Reddit picked the username; I think your username suits you well.

You're probably going to have the best sex of your lives when she gets back.

Well she can stand

Safe word, absolutely yes. But is no one talking about how she almost burnt the house down? And that her actual beahviour is becoming increasingly reckless and erratic? Surely there's something bigger at play here that should be addressed beyond a safe word?

Rip

Its not just learning what to say. It's learning to say much of anything. It took me ages to break being submissive and say things had gone to far.

Pain I could put up with to any extent really and much like ops girlfriend sounds if I was in a bad place in life, it potentially travels into the I hate myself and deserve this space. Rather than just haha I'm so naughty punish me daddy space. It's also really hard to not escalate the pain as you've already taken x before and you feel like a failure if one day you're super sensitive.

But choking I could tell my bf really liked and I enjoyed the high, no amount really gave me discomfort. But I'd be on the verge of passing out and be like "well I don't want to ruin it for him" and not try to communicate at all. Which was all well and good until ya know... passed out.

Not the best way to have to really work on talking. Was hard for me as my limits alwyas been above partners and I literally didn't know how to say anything in sub space, the words just wouldn't come out.

Two things:

1. You are in the wrong here, deal with it.
2. Try to make fun of my username, sucka, I've tried and failed so many times.

Definitely enforce a safeword. My partner and I have one and it has gotten used only a few times but it's essential. Give her lots of snuggles and kisses !

> well she can stand

LMAO

> You should also talk about safe ways to initiate punishment sessions

Right? I was under the impression these ways were supposed to be playful and harmless, and not things that can get you fired or hurt. Like, whats next? Cheating?

There's a group of people, men and women, who take this beyond kink and consciously try to "correct" women's behavior with corporal punishment. My guess is the girlfriend is into spanking and stumbled into this culture online, and seeing it as a way to fulfill her kink suggested it to her boyfriend. But that's a (fucked up) lifestyle that isn't just about sex, it's about treating women like abused children. I can see an appeal, it excuses her from any responsibility since it assumes she cannot make decisions without 'training', but she's probably struggling with the whole concept. Hopefully they can work together to figure out how to meet her kink desires separately from the work she needs to do to live a responsible adult life.

Reminds me of that Ally McBeal storyline where John was informed that Nelle wanted to try spanking. Lol

You are playing with sexual behaviors that neither of you understand. Back out all the way from this and start over.

Communication

Safe word

Aftercare

gotta set boundries. you did nothing wrong and if you dont have a safe word you have to assume shes still role playing.

Safe words. Always have one. Me and my girlfriend use “macaroni and cheese”. Were both into some pretty harsh things so it goes both ways. But that safe words there for safety. These things are built on trust and consent. Just come up with one it’ll take you 2 minutes and save you from this. I feel you though I used to feel bad choking or slapping her. But now it’s nothing to choke her with one hand and jam my fingers in her mouth and spread her jaws to spit in her mouth with the other hand 😂

1. I'm not in the wrong
2. Ironic you are picking on me for making fun of a username which is precisely what /u/DumbestManEver did.

You would make an excellent republican because you call out the exact thing you are.

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Always have a safe word or signal.

Play safe.

Safe sex goes both ways, always insist on a safe word ...

Bro, break up with this crazy bitch. She played with FIRE just to get spanked. She's a jail sentence or grave waiting to happen.

You experienced something called Dom drop. It’s when we as the Dom feel guilty or like we’ve wronged our sub because of the choices we have made. It’s a very normal feeling. You needed some aftercare in the form of reassurance. Communication about scenes and expectations can help this. You don’t do anything wrong at all.

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You just outed my safeword.

This is why safewords were invented.

I haven’t seen this mentioned yet but it seems to me like your gf has some serious stuff going on (self hate, guilt, etc)

She seems to be intentionally escalating her poor behaviors in order to be punished, which is not safe or fair to you. She will eventually do something irreversibly damaging if nothing changes.

She is also using you as a form of self harm. If she truely believes that she deserves punishment for this stuff, then she has something serious going on, and you can make things worse by reinforcing this thought pattern of hers. So NO MORE bdsm play until she gets some therapy, she proves that she isn’t going to intentionally sabotage things anymore, and you both read up on basic bdsm protocols and safe words.

Good advice here. But question: do you know for a fact that this fire thing actually happened? The only way for this sort of thing to (possibly) have a positive long term effect on behavior is to include spanking right where she likes it best just for fun, but to push her limits when she dun fucked up. Like i looove being kicked, so its never a punishment, but when the rubber paddle comes out im like, aw fuck, this is gonna be torture, and while i still enjoy it in a way, i can only do so much before safewording. Im a huge fan of red yellow green for safewords, so if youre really looking to punish, aim for say, three yellows. Your/her mileage may vary.

This.

After care is just as important for the dom as it is for the sub. OP feels bad for pushing his gf past the limits because she didn't stay to talk it out and come down from the intensity.

Gf also needs to learn limits. Not only her pain threshold, but what actions are allowed to be punished for. It's incredibly unhealthy that she decided it would be okay to play with fire, just to get punished.

So when she burns down the house, how many spanks does she get?

They are not passwords!

First off apologize and acknowledge your mistake to her. Do not blame her for what you did. You two should try the red, yellow, green light system for short clear communication when you are having a discipline session and want to check in on how she’s doing.

You shouldn’t crucified for what you did, but you should feel like a dumb, callous loser for not being able to differentiate between sexual punishment and genuine pain/torture. Submissiveness is a gift and it’s your responsibility to know your partner’s limits.

Learn from your mistake. Don’t do it again… unless she asks for it

Spanking doesn't help kids, nor does it help adults. You need to get this woman some actual mental help.

"well she can stand" 🤣