TIFU Telling a friend I need space because I still have feelings for her

Submitted by RetroRedditor t3_10oa8ql in tifu

I (26M) have been seeing a close friend (26F) for the past few months and hanging out together. Last month, I told her I had feelings for her and asked her out on a date. She said it needs more time and she sees me as a friend right now, but we agreed to meet again in a month. Fast forward to today, I took her out again and we had a good time. But ultimately, I decided to message her later that it's really hard for me to be the same type of friend with her that I have been, and that my feelings are difficult to separate from our friendship right now and I need some space. She made a little joke asking if the food we got was that bad, and then told me no problem, she understands.

I feel like I fucked up, but I felt like I had to make a choice. What makes me feel worse is that I did this to her after she gave me a gift for my birthday earlier on the same day. We've been close friends for 4 years now, and we always texted/talked to each other every day until now. We would often be able to read each other's minds, and say/think the same exact thing constantly. I care about her a lot and I don't want to hurt her, but I also can't hide how I feel and torture myself. When I dropped her off, I asked when we could meet again, she said probably the end of next month because she's seeing a friend in 2 weeks and working other weekends. I respect her and her feelings, but I couldn't help to think of how 2 weeks is Valentine's Day weekend.. Even if her friend is a another girl or a guy. I also didn't feel I wanted to wait another month to see her again

TL;DR: I told my closest friend I wanted to date her, but I was soft rejected. I tried to hang out with her as a friend again, but I couldn't shake my feelings. I ultimately told her after we met that I needed space, and I tried to say it in the most sincere way without hurting her (no ultimatum or anything. Just that I need time and it's hard to see her as only my friend). I miss her very much, and I don't want to hurt her. I feel like I fucked up because we had such a close connection with each other, but I felt I had no choice. I don't know how long it will be before I can talk to her again, which is what hurts me the most

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Lurkerphobia t1_j6dd8uj wrote

You've got feelings and she apparently doesn't feel the same. Better to lay it out and lose than to drag on pretending you don't.

Kudos for taking your shot, sorry it didn't work out. Move on and who knows, maybe you'll find someone who feels the same as you or maybe she'll come around. Life is weird.

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Kavkaz87 t1_j6de99q wrote

You did the right thing, in my opinion, you said what you had to, its out in the universe now and it just didn't work out. I believe it's called Unrequited love. The universe will come back around and you will find someone who genuinely will like you back. Good luck brother and be strong. I hope this helps.

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RetroRedditor OP t1_j6epr2w wrote

Thanks man. I will take things day by day. Would you have any advice on how I can really get her out of my mind? She was such a big part of my life. I'm staying strong, but it's really hard to not say good morning to each other anymore. We used to talk all throughout the day

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sustainabledude t1_j6euh9w wrote

It takes time. However, to make the time fly by it's helpful to be busy with something. Can be a hobby, education or work. Just make sure you haven't got much time to daydream, as that will undoubtly revolve around her. But ultimately time will do the job.

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-holdmyhand t1_j6dhqi7 wrote

>I feel like I fucked up, but I felt like I had to make a choice.

It's so hard to pretend to be friends with someone special when everytime you look at the person, all you see is everything you want to have.

You made the right choice.

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RetroRedditor OP t1_j6enuhi wrote

I think that really sums up why I texted her after. It was hard to stare at her while we were together and smile as she's smiling, knowing she doesn't feel the same way. It was tough to pass by couples together and know I couldn't hold her hand even though she's right next to me.

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HighOnGoofballs t1_j6dej3v wrote

That’s not a FU at all, did the right thing

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Mother_of_Dogecoinz t1_j6h4cjw wrote

Mad respect for putting your feelings out there respectfully.

Life ain’t no dress rehearsal. Best paradigm shift that ever happened in my life was going from never speaking my mind and always wondering “what if…” to finally losing that fear of rejection and making sure I said what I needed to say. Not putting it out there and then agonizing over missed opportunities felt so so much worse to me.

Be respectful, speak your mind, then rest easy knowing you did all you could. You can feel good about that.

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Thick_Information_33 t1_j6dgb63 wrote

Friendships between men and women are rough. Even after years of a platonic friendship, there is always a risk one falls in love for the other, and not always the love is felt by both. At that point you can’t really be her friend anymore, as you are hurting all the time wanting more than friendship.

Telling her how you feel and the decisions you made are correct and you should not feel bad, as it is not your fault that you caught feelings and they hurt you.

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burner7651 t1_j6j5abp wrote

I feel for you, dude. I’m in a similar situation where my feelings for a close friend are not reciprocated. It isn’t easy to navigate one-sided romantic feelings in a friendship. I’m trying to make my peace with the fact that I have to do the same as you and lay it all out there, and then go my own way for the sake of my own emotional well-being. Good on you for making that choice.

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RetroRedditor OP t1_j6j9xfs wrote

Thanks, man. It's rough, but we'll make it through

If there is something I can share that will help you, it is this -

Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel. Ideally, talk to her about it - not over a text. If she is as close of a friend as you think and she is mature enough, she will understand and respectfully tell you how she feels about it. If she doesn't, then was she really the type of person that could have given you what you want in a relationship?

I spent a week figuring out if I wanted to ask out my friend, because she is my best friend and it's the first time I wanted to ask a friend. When I did, she paused, sure, but she also told me what she thought and didn't cut me off. Did it hurt? Yes, it hurt a lot and it still does. However, I have found some peace of mind that I can go talk to other women and look for what I want. She helped me figure out what that was, even though that was never intended

Would it be nice if she came around? Yep, it would. But we have to be real with ourselves. The only thing we can control in life is what we do, not what others do. We can use that to protect or to hurt ourselves.

The replies here and my friends I've spoken to over the past day have helped me realize this and reset. When I'm ready to reach out to her again, I hope we could be friends again. If she decides that's not ok at that time, then that is also fine. I said what I needed to say to her, and now that is off my chest

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Akuma254 t1_j6jl8fo wrote

Definitely not a FU. You were brave enough to admit it and mature enough to get some space when you realized the situation was untenable for you.

Chin up big dawg, you’ve got many more chapters and pages to turn. Hope the next are happier for you, seriously.

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Kadeous t1_j6eotnt wrote

This was the best thing. If she ever got a boyfriend she would cut you off and you’d just get hurt. Better to cut her off, she said she would never date you. So- keep moving on and don’t fall into whimpy simpy behavior.

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[deleted] t1_j6hbbdi wrote

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RetroRedditor OP t1_j6hyl5x wrote

Being friends doesn't mean you have feelings for someone from the beginning. We got close, I started seeing her, I developed feelings for her, I asked her out. The friendship was genuine.

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[deleted] t1_j6et79c wrote

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RetroRedditor OP t1_j6jb5q6 wrote

>The solution is to keep in contact, playfully flirting while making it clear that they are friend-zoned with no chance.

I don't understand this part of your reply. Are you saying this is for the guy?

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IVillMessVitTime t1_j6jyuq7 wrote

Don't listen to the shitty "advice" you're replying to. You opened up, were honest and respectful. Don't do the "playfully flirting" thing when she has made it clear all she wants is friendship.

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RetroRedditor OP t1_j6k1uyq wrote

Thanks for clarifying. I found the whole response to be a bit confusing honestly.

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