TIFU by making vulgar comment to my boss while he was in meeting.

Submitted by PocketOppossum t3_10ltg1e in tifu

This happened yesterday. I work in a fine dining kitchen, and I have been here for 6 months now. My executive chef (we will call him Andy) and I had worked together for 5 years at our old place of employment, so we are pretty close as far as coworkers go. Yesterday was a big day for me, because Andy asked me to come up with the next weekly feature. I had written down the ingredients I needed ordered, shared the recipe with him, he even knew how much product I needed. But when the truck shows up, none of my stuff is sent for delivery, and they say it will be next week before they can bring the right stuff. So I didn't have my product, and I was livid!

Andy is upstairs meeting with an older man (found out he is our food rep later). They were sitting at a table talking about new products. I politely interrupt to tell Andy the situation. He replies "sounds good, just write down what you need so I don't forget to order it. Without thinking about any of it, I responded "I'll get it tattooed on my dick and you can check it out whenever you want." Both of them are speechless. It takes a moment to process what I just said. Then as if it will fix what just happened, I say " what? At least then you can't lose it then. Then I shamefully walked away. Andy hasn't said anything to me yet, but oh my god I'm mortified!

TL;DR - My executive chef didn't order my ingredients, so I told him I'd tattoo my order on my dick so he could check it out any time.

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IGetHighAndAdoptDogs t1_j5yymep wrote

My god… and THEN you doubled down… ☠️

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5z4p4o wrote

Yeah, at the moment it seemed like such a good recovery. It was not.

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IGetHighAndAdoptDogs t1_j5z5kqd wrote

In my experience, it’s good practice not to use the word dick during the first 5 minutes of meeting someone 😂 Even if it’s just within earshot.

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406highlander t1_j5zgtwz wrote

Pro-tip - never meet anyone whose first name is "Richard" :)

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mcnathan80 t1_j5zot1r wrote

My name happens to be Harold Richard Enballz what's so funny?

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LadyBug_0570 t1_j60j8e3 wrote

At least it's not Biggus Dickus.

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406highlander t1_j60mbo9 wrote

He has a wife, you know. Do you want to know her name?

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LadyBug_0570 t1_j611md2 wrote

Presses lips together with an "Oh God please don't tell me" look in my eyes.

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mcpatsky t1_j62wdeu wrote

……………. ………………… …………………….Incontinentia Buttocks

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fomoco94 t1_j60n5y1 wrote

Every Richard I've known was a dick anyways...

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TheEagleByte t1_j61hwtz wrote

Or last name. Source: work with a guy whose last name is Richard

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SansCitizen t1_j63jhep wrote

“Hi, my name’s dick!”

“Hi… uhm, sir… so sorry, I’ll be back in about 6 minutes”

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apextek t1_j600mnq wrote

So,.. your old friend now boss, you just told the food rep that he sucks your dick. Just bc Andy hasn't said anything doesn't mean there isn't going to be pent up resentment. Sounds like to enjoy running power plays on Andy. I'd be careful if you like your job, as you just put up huge red flags.

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j607moh wrote

You make excellent points for most scenarios in life. I'm not too worried about this one though, kitchens are a pretty different atmosphere. I'll update if they fire me, but I'm not too worried. This is not the type of thing Andy holds onto. Empty words won't hurt the man.

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StuckInLazlosBasemen t1_j60iubz wrote

Ppl who haven’t worked in restaurants don’t get it. It’ll be fine. (But do feel free to update us with his reaction??)

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j60joxt wrote

I mentioned it in another comment somewhere in here, but I went to apologize for undermining him in a professional setting. He said that he had a good laugh with the food rep after I "talked a big game then walked away looking like a tomato." He said both of them has heard worse, but he isn't usually left speechless. Then he told me he can't wait to check out the list I have for him with a sly wink.

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jakkiljr t1_j61tkls wrote

Does that mean you two had sex?

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j62bgu3 wrote

We have not had sex, but there is a running gag our coworkers enjoy. The basis is that he is a cuk, he watches me do stuff with his wife, and he does stuff with my girlfriend. Just to make sure there is no confusion though, This is a joke made up by coworkers.

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Fwamingdwagon84 t1_j60opu4 wrote

Yeah I've worked in restaurants for over 2 decades, I've heard/seen far worse.

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KetoKurun t1_j60rveq wrote

Shit I’ll say worse to the sautée station twice before the dinner rush hits

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Fwamingdwagon84 t1_j60sj5w wrote

Yeah I've definitely told...probably too many past and present coworkers to suck my dick. I don't have one, but yeah

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Gizzkhalifa t1_j61fqs9 wrote

This is exactly what I thought typical kitchen banter but infront of a rep ouchhh 😂

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neutrino71 t1_j60dpwe wrote

A lot depends on what image Andy was intending to project to this supplier/food rep? If he feels that you tarnished his image or the image of your restaurant?

A certain amount of banter might be fine in a non public setting but less desirable for others. If he's a friend apologised and ask if he's offended.

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j60f7hi wrote

We have already talked, and he said the two of them had a good laugh after I talked big then walked away looking like a tomato. I am sure he doesn't hold a grudge. This man will walk into the kitchen on a Friday night, and announce himself with "it's gonna be okay everyone, Mr. cuk is here, and I'll make sure you guys don't get fucked too hard."

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timeemac t1_j61441h wrote

Empty words!? So are you saying you wouldn’t actually let him see your dick any time he wants?? He might be more upset by that.

Edit: sick->dick…thanks autocorrect

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-holdmyhand t1_j5z0btq wrote

>I told him I'd tattoo my order on my dick so he could check it out any time.

gif

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gliitch0xFF t1_j605zhf wrote

gif

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neutrino71 t1_j60caq9 wrote

My lip reading is bit rusty. Is Gordon telling me my journey is extra juicy?

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NattySocks t1_j61lq11 wrote

That's the cool thing about this gif-those white squiggly lines at the bottom are characters of an alphabet arranged in a system known as written language, and when your brain is properly trained they actually convey what Gordon Ramsay is saying so that you don't even have to lip read!

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jabbo13 t1_j5yyu98 wrote

Im assuming that it must be a pretty small list then...

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5z4ymj wrote

You are totally right. I'd have to make "Pork" and "belly" on different lines just so it would fit my length.

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Croakerboo t1_j5zkq11 wrote

You know those diagrams where they draw dotted lines on a profile picture of an animal to identify what cuts come from where?

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deadfeet3 t1_j60kvh1 wrote

Lengthy words are off the table, but there is enough girth for a long list

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Splinterfight t1_j62ja0p wrote

More of a Wendy than a Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day

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Crashmse t1_j5yxbyg wrote

That is..... such a weird thing to say. Like just in general..

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orthostasisasis t1_j5zlvur wrote

He mentioned working in gastro and, uh, this looks pretty par the course. Those who suffer from foot-in-mouth-itis fit right in.

Source: the last time I told someone to suck my dick was when I worked as a bartender. I do not in fact own a dick.

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frondjeremy t1_j5zpmz9 wrote

It’s the industry for it. My friend (M) once told me (F) to “Get off his dick” when I was jokingly nagging him about something. A 50’s F server heard and was horrified. Friend tried to defend himself that he learned the phrase from me. She didn’t believe him and he looked like the asshole. He 100% did get it from me. 😂

Food biz is food biz. Im sure OP is fine.

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weirdchic0124 t1_j600hv5 wrote

I used to work with a lesbian that would tell people to suck her plastic dick.

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grawlixsays t1_j62l7ym wrote

I tend to call people dickless losers, whether they might have a dick, or not.

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5z4kw5 wrote

It truly is a strange thing to say. I'm not sure what came over me. But it was like talking to an old friend where nothing is off limits... In front of a random old guy...

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blackcatpandora t1_j5zg76f wrote

Food reps have heard it all. Lmao that’s hilarious

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5zj3q6 wrote

When you go to so many different kitchens, you are bound to run into every flavor of crazy.

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TheRealNap0le0n t1_j5z9t7i wrote

I don't show my friends my dick and I've known some for 15+ years

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afettz13 t1_j61k9sv wrote

Yes and no. If you've worked on a kitchen line with guys this is pretty much how it goes. There is no HR on the line.

Watch "Waiting..." you'll see.

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Bossanova87 t1_j5z4v5w wrote

Working in food service is just different..

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Gold-Classic3626 t1_j5zvuhf wrote

I hear some food service people curse more than sailors.

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5zzuvp wrote

We throw around some really nasty insults in our kitchen. My personal favorite is calling someone a "dog water napkin."

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Fwamingdwagon84 t1_j60ozer wrote

We sure fucking do. My boyfriend was in the navy, and while we both swear more than the usual person, he was SHOCKED to hear how my mom and I talk in normal conversation.

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talentkills t1_j604qia wrote

Once in a meeting we were discussing how we would reward employees for metrics. While talking about the budget I said "well obviously we don't want to blow our load on just one employee"

We quickly moved on

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j608a8o wrote

That is so funny! I worked for a larger organization that hosted a yearly fund raiser called "the big grape". We had an E-mail chain get started by a female manager to talk about the event, but they missed a "G" in their subject line in the E-mail. For the next month we were all making jokes about the "bi grape." You can imagine where it went from there with kitchen staff.

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L1P0D t1_j60i13l wrote

At least it wasn't the big rape.

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j60izep wrote

Yeah, I always meticulously checked how I spelled it after that for that exact reason!

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Fritzo2162 t1_j65bv1y wrote

I used to work for a guy that had a stick so far up his ass he couldn't slouch- didn't cuss, didn't joke, everything was dead serious business.

One day I went into his office and said "The network is going to go down for 20 minutes during lunch. Someone mucked up the firmware on the firewall and I have to reflash it."

He stared at me for 10-15 seconds...I was waiting to get yelled at for someone else's mistake....but then he just went "OK. Let me know when it's done."

Later that day I was in a meeting with some co-workers, he walked in, and blurted out "Hey...did you find out who fucked up that firmware?"

I was shocked...he never used that word in the office the entire 10 years I was there. I blinked a couple of times and said "Excuse me?"

He got a bit huffy, then in a forceful voice retorted "Yeah, I want to know who...in your words...fucked up the software. If we're talking like that in the office, I'm joining in." (I'm going to note he looked physically PAINED to say the f-word. I honestly think he's never said it before.)

Again, I blinked a couple of times and replied "I actually said 'MUCKED up the firmware.'"

We just stared at each other for a while...him looking at a room full for 10 people...and he mumbled "Oh...my mistake..." as he shuffled out of the room.

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YellowHankey t1_j5zcg5n wrote

OPs next update: TIFU by getting ingredients tattooed on my dick

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Environmental_Arm526 t1_j5yyphb wrote

Oh all the things you could have said…..why that? Sucks your ingredients didn’t come this week but not the end of the world. Don’t be surprised if you never get to pick the special again.

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5z7jf6 wrote

I am training to be the new executive chef after he goes to open a new restaurant. So I just hope it doesn't stop the promotion. I'm not too worried though. He is a good sport, and he has worked in kitchens for a long time, so he has heard worse. But I am very ashamed!

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[deleted] t1_j5zisdr wrote

You should definitely talk to him. If you make him come to you to acknowledge your wrong doing you’ll be worse off. If you want him to put you in a position of responsibility you have to show that you can take responsibility.

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5zjxm3 wrote

You are totally right. The next time I saw him I apologized. He laughed about it, and told me paper would be sufficient.

This man is the opposite of everything you've seen about chefs on TV. He is always as cool as a cucumber. I've seen the man cry a couple times, but I've never seen him lose his cool. He is frustratingly calm, to the point that I thought he didn't care at all for a long time. He cares a lot, just not as much about the food as the people.

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Splinterfight t1_j62jlpr wrote

Glad it worked out. Did he forget to order the ingredients? Or was there some fuck up with the supplier?

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j641xl6 wrote

He lost the note I handed him, and then he forgot to order my stuff. It all worked out though, we just started our new weekly special on Thursday instead of Wednesday. No guests ever knew the difference. Lol

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Environmental_Arm526 t1_j5zexm6 wrote

Good luck with the promotion. I have said many vulgar things at work, and even once to our BP when he ticked me off when I was having a shitty day, so I get it. Doing it in front of others is usually a bad call.

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GrapeNutter t1_j5zzw16 wrote

Least vulgar restaurant worker.

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SupaDupaTron t1_j60gibp wrote

Andy should have replied, without hesitating, "Right, so more Spotted Dick then?"

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Lem0n_Lem0n t1_j5yz778 wrote

How many ingredients are there? Can it all be tattoo there ?

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5z7pws wrote

Thankfully it was a small list, but "pork" and "belly will have to be their own lines.

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Oddlot0930 t1_j60mjal wrote

You could have it tattooed like names on a crayon, going around the barrel instead of down it. That way you get much longer lines..........well......depends on how endowed.

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Available_Ad6508 t1_j5zcxch wrote

Not that you said it, but that you said it in front of a stranger who could represent only God knows what...

Kind of wouldn't be surprised if he special ordered your ingredients to get them to you on time, and as a horrid gag, had coworkers pin you to the wall during a rush hour in front of the whole kitchen, pull down your pants in front of everybody, and as you struggled and yelled, then say "Well, hell, nevermind, just wanted to make sure I got this shopping list right! Here, stir this with your magic dick!" ...and toss the bag to you while you struggle to pull up your pants and not trip over yourself...

Bet that other guy will NEVER forget anything you order!

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[deleted] t1_j61cdk0 wrote

Lol honestly that sounds like par for the course, I worked under someone who was in iron chef. They dont talk like that in front of reps but they also wouldnt bat an eye

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No_Quiet_2741 t1_j5zw67q wrote

Bro you made it worse 😭😭😭😭😭

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iWantTop69 t1_j624yde wrote

Checked out your profile and apparently this isn’t the first time you’ve told your boss to “check out your dick”

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Snaefellsjokul t1_j5z2yb9 wrote

I say embrace it! Hone in on this part of yourself and become the next Gordon Ramsay. It was kind of an odd thing to say but you’ll get better over time.

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JasonIsBaad t1_j60dteo wrote

The only way to really embrace it is to tattoo the list on his dick

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randomname1561 t1_j60rhiy wrote

I think it's a strong chance they laughed about that

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Ninjewdi t1_j612xi2 wrote

The second you have updates I need to know.

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Dawildpep t1_j5yxgw8 wrote

Ha ha.. that’s awesome!

I wouldn’t worry about it I say vulgar shit all the time at work.. granted it’s a pretty relaxed atmosphere

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PocketOppossum OP t1_j5z811q wrote

Same here. Andy has been working in kitchens forever, and he has heard almost everything. He didn't care much at all. Thank you for your thoughts.

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Dawildpep t1_j5z8vjs wrote

You’re totally fine.. a couple weeks from now you will be laughing about it.

People have so much of their own shit to worry about that’s nothing.. even though you think they are thinking about what you did.. they aren’t, gotta keep that in mind

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MrFavorable t1_j5z9yrh wrote

I thought vulgar talk like this was normal in the kitchen? Gordon Ramsay talks to his chefs like this. /s

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[deleted] t1_j61c4pu wrote

It is normal lol. Thats on the lighter side of what ive experienced in the back of the restaurant

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gliitch0xFF t1_j606hgk wrote

It's only for the show. He's actually very polite in person.

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a-snakey t1_j60h3t4 wrote

Andy Dick is going to love that joke. He'll take it anytime.

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dai-the-flu t1_j60nwb8 wrote

r/KitchenConfidential might appreciate this

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KetoKurun t1_j60ripw wrote

I mean unless this is your food rep’s first stop on his first day on the job, I’m sure he’s heard worse. Unless my standards are askew from years of Florida restaurants

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xxcloud417xx t1_j61doik wrote

Ahh, the good ol’ restaurant penis-showing game. Tattoo it on your balls, that way when you show him the Bat Wing he’ll earn some kicks and see the list on your dick. Gotta mix work with pleasure.

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_j61x9s0 wrote

I do think understand, does he give you BJ’s on the reg?

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ToMyOtherFavoriteWW t1_j61zptr wrote

If this were an office, it would be bad. It's not that bad in food service.

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Hashtaglibertarian t1_j626hrs wrote

Well. Time for a new job.

Cause god knows I couldn’t recover on that level of awkwardness.

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Auracorn t1_j62a8tm wrote

Mortified? I don’t see that as particularly shocking. Food industry runs on bottled rage, drugs, dark humor, and sexual tension. This seems to fall somewhere in there.

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manimsoblack t1_j6579sz wrote

I'm very familiar with large company whose CEO regularly says that "this will be the money shot!" and it's an inside joke among us all now. iykyk

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