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ShannonsParade t1_j68r3gm wrote

It’s okay. One time I (f) had to do a pre-employment drug test at basically an urgent care facility. I got there and realized I also had to poop. I didn’t know if I was allowed to poop (they tell you to fill the cup to a certain line and then to not flush the toilet). I tried for so long to pee without pooping. Couldn’t do it, so I pulled back on my pants and opened the door. I literally asked the nurse (m) if I was allowed to poop. He said yes but reminded me not to flush. So I did. And walked out so embarrassed that this man had to look at my poop now.


piotrrasputin344 t1_j68u3as wrote

I always just ask if pooping is okay before, just in case I have to.


[deleted] OP t1_j68utbd wrote



piotrrasputin344 t1_j68w3qj wrote

I mean, why not just take your shirt off? Seems like it would be easier if I'm already pooping.


[deleted] OP t1_j690eff wrote



Ancient_Klutz t1_j6a43z2 wrote

I cannot get over this belly button thing for some reason it has me in stitches - I'm imagining all of these tough nut men just lifting their shirts up like they're Winnie the pooh 🤣


zombiep00 t1_j6a8mfv wrote

Now I'm imagining all these tough nut Navy men with their shirts above their bellybutton, each getting a finger poked into their belly making them do the Pillsbury "Hmhmmm!" laugh lol


FragilousSpectunkery t1_j6a9pt6 wrote

You'd think there were some other way to determine if a person was consuming drugs...


keithdawg23 t1_j6a32c8 wrote

After a spinal surgery and my wife turning to meth I was in a custody battle. She tested positive for meth several times in court and I was required to take tests too because she would throw accusations at me(I was always clean). After my surgery I had to learn how to catheter myself for a full year before things got back to normal down there. So I’m asked to do a drug test and the guy says he has to come in with me and I say ok but I have to self-cath. He says ok I have to watch and when I start the process he turns a shade of white a ghost would be scared of and turns in horror and says I trust you, just please hurry. The whole custody thing and learning to cath myself were some of the worst parts of the whole surgery process but I did get some giggles in the moment. I have had and maintain full custody of my kids for the last 5 and a half years.


apple_jacks_better t1_j6ab630 wrote

if you dont mind me asking, what kind of surgery was it that required you to catheter yourself for a full year? howd it feel to pee on your own after the year was up?


keithdawg23 t1_j6admzj wrote

I went in for a costotransversectomy with a bilateral fusion. Was supposed to be in for only 3-5 days but because of complications was in for over 35 days. Was never able to prove malpractice but that’s definitely what it was. I went through literal hell while I was in hospital with foley caths and all types of stuff. Had my bladder almost explode because of incompetent nurses and just a bad time.


Wolfrages t1_j6c4p41 wrote

Holy mother of... That really is a mouthful..


CBus660R t1_j69gkpe wrote

I had to do an observed test by the NCAA. Pants below the knees, shirt up, and an old man about a foot away, observing my urine leaving my dick. They're random up to 3 times per year, but only got selected once in 5 years.


screen-protector21 t1_j69i8i3 wrote

One time I accidentally used the restroom out of habit before my drug screening. Had a great time standing at a 45 degree angle to the urinal with the guy watching nothing happen for a good couple minutes until he said I was good and to come back after hydrating.


gathermewool t1_j69ca9c wrote

Did they at least have someone from the medical staff watch? We had watchers, but they were usually rando junior petty officers who stood behind and had no view of our privates. I mean penis, not the Army. With NWUs being so baggy, I can see cheating being extremely easy.

We also held the cup above our head while walking for some reason. The cup has our info on it, so swapping it out with someone shouldn’t have been a concern.


[deleted] OP t1_j69clfi wrote



gathermewool t1_j69ddg8 wrote

The whole pants down, shirt up thing is insane. Using a 1st class is also such a waste of resources. I guess things must have been pretty bad if that was the case.


other_usernames_gone t1_j69mm5z wrote

Probably so you couldn't stash a clean vial on you and swap it out while they weren't looking.

If you planned it out beforehand you might be able to get a real pee cup and print your information on it before you came.


LeagueOfBestFriends t1_j6b8tsy wrote

When we did it, they’d make an announcement when we showed up for morning muster (Navy). You weren’t allowed to leave till you peed. We would literally have to stay in an area drinking water till it happened. Weren’t allowed to go work till we did, couldn’t have contact with our buddies who already did and we’re allowed to leave. Only knew about 2 people, not in my department, who failed in my three years on my boat. Know people smoked or did limes now and again, but don’t think it was a huge problem. Think it was just precautions so it didn’t become a problem as they probably learned their lesson about being lax early on.


gathermewool t1_j6bjorw wrote

We were pretty lax. A chief or JO would get a sealed envelope the day before and would tell us the day of. This was the reserves. If we resked there were no consequences.

I have never heard of someone failing. Limited experience, of course, but it seems insane to risk a dishonorable discharge for something so stupid!


LeagueOfBestFriends t1_j6b7wmj wrote

Got out of the navy in 2002. We had to line up and E-6 or higher had to stand next to urinal and watch the urine come out, then immediately took cup from you. Had one in school (funny guy, looked like Hank Rollins), always start singing about how he loved being on “Cock Watch”. Can’t remember how many times I had to do it in training, but only had to once when I got to the fleet. Was told they choose a number 0-9, and those whose SSN ended with that digit had to pee. Was told I must have the same last digit as the CO.


gathermewool t1_j6bk01t wrote

Meat gazer?

In the reserves, I went long periods of time without being tested, then I’d be randomly selected for a couple of months in a row. It seemed to actually be random.


rockdash t1_j69rrum wrote

Not observed, but the last time I had to take a test I got a little on the back of the toilet and I didn't wipe it up because my thought process was, "They're so picky about what you can and can't do in here maybe I'd better leave it? I don't have more piss to give if they take issue with it..."

The lady in charge immediately came and saw it and wiped it up and then I saw the sign saying, "Please wipe the toilet when you finish." Sorry lady.


futureruler t1_j69wkmd wrote

Yea after I got out. I was doing onboarding for a new job and had to do a drug test. It was done at an actual testing lab and the lady looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if anybody was going to watch me. She also yelled through the door to turn the sink faucet off, which was never on, I just reaaaallly had to go at that point.


InsaneDrummer66 t1_j6a3xm8 wrote

Butters from South Park is all I’m picturing.


Kelly_makes_burgers t1_j6a19uv wrote

The only thing I can picture is Dwight from The Office when he wanted to prove that he wasn’t wearing a wire


pewpew26 t1_j6a5bdk wrote

I still drop trowel (edit: trou) when giving a urine sample


TheRealSugarbat t1_j6ac7r7 wrote

It’s “trou,” baby. For “trousers.” 🤣


tblazertn t1_j6ae32y wrote

He’s just showing off how hard it is to lay a brick.


pewpew26 t1_j6agxl5 wrote

Well, well, well, how do you know what’s in my pockets?! (Seriously, thank you. I had no idea it was “trou”🤣)


yuiop300 t1_j6ax3am wrote


I’ve had drugs test for sports before. They needed to physically see my dong and pee come out. The bottles were split in to A and B samples. Once screwed on you couldn’t undo them. You had to cut the tops off.

If the urine was too dark or light the guy would need another sample from me.

The fuckers are cheeky. They tested me twice within 4 days to see if I was getting back on the sauce. They did the same to my brother also since we lived together.


theknightone t1_j6aha7x wrote

Pre screening tests for Australian armed forces at least had a stall with a 2 way mirror on the wall you face.


crankyanker638 t1_j6bt47z wrote

When I was in the AF, I had to be a part of the team that administered the "whiz-quiz". One guy that got hit with it had diarrhea so bad he couldn't piss! It was like any water drank was immediately diverted to his colon! He had to be there the whole day until one of the higher ups finally had him go to the hospital to get a blood draw done.

And another fun fact about it, when the admin types (called the orderly room in the AF) would call, the way you knew it was someone getting tagged was they wouldn't say why. Any other thing they would call about, it would be like so and so had to go over do/sign/whatever. When it was 'quiz' time, they would just say so and so needs to report...


DizzyGoBoom t1_j6a56sz wrote

I feel like I read this word for word a few months ago and you took some creative liberties with the ending there a bit.


[deleted] OP t1_j69u7ei wrote