TIFU by telling my show-off friend how much my partner makes and I feel awful now

Submitted by Davetherocker t3_10enada in tifu

I have a long time friend “Tony”. He was once my boss but we’ve both moved jobs a few times since then. Sometimes he thinks he’s still my boss! He tries to give me advice/ criticism about everything: my car, my career, my home, my garden, where I should go on holiday…..while telling me about his new extension, his new car etc.

He’s obsessed with money and part of why he’s always ‘advising’ me is to try and work out what I earn and what I can afford to spend, just to satisfy himself he’s still doing better than me. I do not care at all what he thinks. I never have, so probably good he is no longer my boss.

I’m not selling him at all well, but he is actually a good bloke and his heart is in the right place, which is why I still see him and just ignore these parts…. normally.

Saw him today. Told him about my partner’s new job. She’s got herself a fantastic promotion with a salary to match and I’m so pleased for her, she’s worked so hard and really deserves it.

He made a slightly patronising comment, about her, ‘little lady’ type thing. Earlier when I said I don’t care what he thinks - well turns out I have an Achilles heel and I do. I told him what she earns and he looked a bit stunned and blustered a bit, clearly she’s out-earning him, even if I’m not. I don’t think it even occurred to him the job she had was in that league.

I feel terrible now. If I tell her, she’ll be furious with me, it makes me as show-offy as him and she’s got far more class than that. I thought I had. But if I don’t tell her that’s even worse, means I’m lying to her.

What was I bloody thinking?

TL;DR I told my bragging friend how much my partner earns to shut him up, which worked but my partner will be really pissed if/ when she finds out.

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Comments

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JackJack65 t1_j4ry9ji wrote

Eh, I don't see why you should feel bad about it. Perhaps it's not polite to discuss money so much, but if he's the one that continually brings up the subject, I don't see a good reason to hide the fact that your partner is doing well. If you speak to your partner about it, I would simply explain that your show-off friend had such a superiority complex that he goaded you into pushing back, by demonstrating to him that he's hardly the most successful person you know. Unless your partner explicitly asked you to keep her salary private, no harm done really :)

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PinkDancingFlamingo t1_j4s0mfr wrote

I agree. He was being holier then thou about it and made a dismissive, possibly sexist, comment about her and you simply showed him why his view was wrong. He was being a dick and pushed it

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Davetherocker OP t1_j4s0i6z wrote

Thanks for your comments/ explanation. I might steal some of it. But it remains that while she didn’t explicitly ask me not to share it, it was very much expected. She really will hate this.

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aussie_nub t1_j4sp5gv wrote

I'm also not really sure why you think you've lied to her by not telling her. Did she ask you? Then you haven't lied. Is there any expectation that this is something you shouldn't do? It's not like you cheated, but for some, discussing your finances with us could be a deal breakers. If it's not though, I wouldn't even bother bringing it up.

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MerleFSN t1_j4uk5io wrote

Omission is a grey zone. If he can openly hash that out it would be more favorable, I think. Imagine this coming back to her ears, and not from him. Yea, he might not have lied then still, but obviously it was of interest to her cause it is about her.

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aussie_nub t1_j4ukff9 wrote

It's not really. It's impossible to raise everything with a partner, you only talk about the things that are most important to you. If there's absolutely no indication that it's off limits, then why would it be a problem? If it does every come up, then you can apologise, but it probably won't.

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Davetherocker OP t1_j4w44bc wrote

She would not expect me to talk about her salary. She hasn’t asked me not to because it’s basically an unspoken rule.

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monstblitz t1_j4s9t1y wrote

Really depends on how your partner feels about money to know how big a TIFU this is. Some people would rather discuss the personal details of their sex life than discuss their personal finances. I'd not mention it unless it comes up. You're not lying if she doesn't ask!

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Davetherocker OP t1_j4w3fbs wrote

Ok so she’d rather discuss her finances than sex life but that’s setting the bar low! She hasn’t asked me not to share either but doesn’t mean I’ve got carte blanche to do it!

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itsmarvin t1_j4sp9bk wrote

Explain to your gf that you were talking about her and then he made some not-so-nice comments, and in the heat of the moment you told him her salary. That's what happened, right?

I know some people that only ever talk about money, real estate, and their weeks-long vacations, and upcoming weeks-long vacations, and spams pictures of hotel rooms and BnBs that they stay at through email. (No, they don't use social media to do that stuff even though that's what it's made for.) I dislike them but every now and then I meet them only due to obligation. I refuse to participate their game. So far I managed to keep my mouth shut.

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Davetherocker OP t1_j4w3lvp wrote

Yep that’s what happened and what I’ll probably say.

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0101100000110011 t1_j4yzoqa wrote

You were defending her.
He was trying to invalidate your wifes success.
And you shut him down.

You've done nothing wrong.
Just explain and she should understand.

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Papplebeast t1_j52anis wrote

She will (or should) get over it because it's really not that big of a deal.

My wife (physician) feels the same way. I don't go around telling random people what she makes. I've only told one person and it was because she worked really hard to get where she is. I'm proud of her. She found out and was angry/embarrassed, but those feelings passed pretty quickly because it really doesn't matter.

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MakeHasteNoah t1_j4u11ua wrote

He called her "little lady" etc.

You defended her to this prick by pointing out that she is more powerful than he is.

Yeah your "little lady" will be pissed, but she'll be more proud that you defended her against this fool. As long as you frame it right.

You bitchslapped him with her hand though.

Better man up if he comes for you.

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