I (21M) have been friends w a girl (21F), we’ll say Stella, since freshman year of uni. We grew pretty close. While I recognized she was objectively attractive, I was just never attracted to her like that. I really liked hanging w her, and in HS, I didn't have as many friends, so I was so fucking thrilled to have some.

I was a virgin when I met her and knew I needed female friends. Bc I met her within the 1st week of uni, I thought we should just be friends. After three years, I never regretted that decision. I even really liked her BF, who I hung out w just for fun. We would regularly go get food and talk shit ab Stella (lovingly).

FF to last weekend, senior year. (I know not today, but two days ago) I broke up w a long-time GF a month back. Ab 2 weeks after that, Stella got dumped too. We've been really close since bc we've been venting ab ex BS w each other. 

Friday night, we went to the bars, ran into exes, got fucked up w Stella & roomies.

Then Sat a.m., I realize Stella left her phone, wallet, and keys. Luckily, she got home safe, so I deliver her shit. Then Stella is like, "down to day drink?" And I was feeling awful bc a heated text exchange that a.m. resulted in me finally blocking Ex. So I said, "plz...pt.2!?"

We get some beers and drink at my place. We were pretty drunk well before bar time. So she says we should take a power nap. As soon as we lay down, she's all over me. Mind u, we've platonically slept side by side a lot--especially drunk. We often tend to enable each other's drinking so we always have to crash at each others' places. There has never been any awkwardness from this. I could tell she was feeling flirty, but she's known to do that just for fun.

She hops on top of me rq. Like, I was tryna nap, and she is now on my dick. But I was drunk and like "maybe she j feelin silly." Then she's flirting heavy. She grabs my hands and puts them on her ass. So I say, "u have a lil crush on me, huh?" She says yes. And then for a while, I get her off my lap to talk. I don't feel the same, but I’ve thought about it and didn’t want to crush her. I say it’s a bad idea for us to date, but still things escalated. "We don't gotta date, just fuck" I think she said. I've had about 8+ drinks at this point, so I'm fuzzy. 

She undid my pants and gave me a bj. But drunk dick + 1st sex since ex + this was my friend = no boner. But then we make out. Finally get hard. We have some dysfunctional sex for a few minutes–lost wood. Honestly, Idek why I fucked. I've never even fantasized about her.

But I would have guessed she had fantasized. She was all over me, eager, and vocal about her enjoyment.

But she woke up the next morning naked and confused. She had blacked out. She had no recollection of any foreplay or sex. We had stopped drinking shortly after we went to my room. I showered. And when she crashed, she didn't crash like a ton of bricks. She woke up and responded to me coherently whenever I asked her something. I think the reason she got so drunk so fast was bc she might have still been intoxicated from the prior night by the time she started drinking again.

Her energy was off in the morning, but I never even imagined that she was totally blacked. She didn't tell me she blacked either. I was sure she remembered her aggressive initiation of sex, that seemed to be something she wanted to do for a while from what she said. I thought she was embarrassed that she admitted some of her feelings for me. But now I think she was just terrified that she had no idea what happened.  

She filled me in over text. I texted her all the big details. She said “we’ll laugh ab this someday.” She guaranteed me we were cool bc I apologized profusely. Now I'm blocked. And I hate myself.

To be fair, I have thought she blocked me once before, but she just went to the Mental Hospital. But still. Best case , my friend isn't responding bc inadvertently gave her so much stress she put herself in inpatient.

The worst part is she has a history of being taken advantage of while passed out, so she’s def scared I took advantage of her while asleep. This is the worst fucking part. I understand her reaction, but I’m angry. We were both wasted, lonely, horny, and emotionally vulnerable. But she jumped me and I caved. And now I feel like I SAed my best friend. And it doesn't matter what I tell her bc all she knows is she blacked out hanging out w me and ended up naked.

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tl;dr: One of (if not my) best friend(s) seduced me while we were drunk. But it turned out her sexual impulsivity may have been motivated by the fact that she was blackout. She woke up spooked that she didn't remember why she was naked w one of the few men she trusts. Now my texts don't deliver. And I've been sobbing all night.