[deleted]
Comments
Londonforce t1_j6ar5g5 wrote
I mean, notwithstanding that she admitted that specific part isn't true, newborn phase is gonna be like 15% of the first three years. She's wrong no matter what, even if it's an exaggeration
[deleted] OP t1_j6aldui wrote
I suppose that is true. He did change some diapers and he did feed our kid when they were a baby. But it was definitely mostly me. However my issue is that I shouldn’t have said it regardless. It was mostly unprovoked. I said it out of spite and anger for today and for mostly no reason. He didn’t directly say something offensive to me but I guess I took offense because he said he buys our son the best things but I took it as them saying I don’t provide for our kid too.
psibomber t1_j6au1zi wrote
What's wrong with it being mostly you, if he still helped out? I feel like television programming, social media, and entertainment tries to drop these points of contention to make both men and women really angry and discontent about nothing.
It's harmful to marriages, it's harmful to co-parenting, and it's created a lot of hurt and abuse to kids and the adults they grow up into.
You aren't in a race to provide, and you aren't in a race to change the most diapers. Every couple can work something out that makes them the most content.
hmbritt t1_j6b5ah5 wrote
Hmmm... She didn't specify whether she was a stay-at-home mom or not. If she was a stay-at-home mom, I suppose there's nothing wrong with it being mostly her... However, if she's also working too, (which nowadays a good portion of mothers are) then that's what's wrong with it. If both parents are working then he should have gotten his ass up in the middle of the night and helped too!
And breastfeeding moms have it worse, not only do they go to work, during breaks, they have to pump their milk for the baby, instead of enjoying and relaxing their break.
hmbritt t1_j6b5o0l wrote
Forgot to add, op didn't mention she was a breastfeeding mom. I was just throwing that out there, in case she was one.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6chqtm wrote
Or because women get maternal leave, and fathers get nothing, so even if they both have jobs the system gives mothers more time with the baby.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6dbg5v wrote
This isn't true in many countries at this time.
Men can get parental leave a lot of places, and, usually, the length of time that can be taken off for a new child (whether that child was birthed or adopted) can be split between either parent.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6dh7nx wrote
In the vast, vast majority of countries the law gives women more time. I can’t think of a single country where it’s equal.
Men often get one month in western countries. In asia, my colleagues have been at work when their wife gave birth.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6dix20 wrote
Canada. Either parent is able to take the leave. Mom or dad. It doesn’t matter which parent takes it; they can even split it. All that matters is they cannot go beyond the allotted amount of time.
You have never heard of Canada?
This is also the same in the UK. Finland as well. Lithuania. Japan. Sweden. Estonia. Iceland. Slovenia. Norway….
Editing to add: also, it makes sense, regardless, that the person giving birth is the one to get time off no matter what because a baby only exits the body through two ways… both of which require recovery time. Even for easy births, there’s still soreness and blood for days. One of my friends tore so badly that she wasn’t even able to walk for a week and a half, and it took her nearly two months to return to a pace that was more than a shuffle.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6dtx7i wrote
In japan that is not the case. I worked in japan last year, and know firsthand that women are allotted more than men. It sounds like half your post is likely BS. I can’t be arsed to check, but even if the rest of your countries listed are accurate, that is about 2.5% of the world’s population.
As I said, in the vast majority of the world, women get more time than men…
Time off for maternity leave is not related to any pregnancy injury. It’s longer than typical recovery times. So, the edit is irrelevant.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6dv7ap wrote
https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2022/04/04/national/social-issues/child-care-leave-law-amendment/
So you talked to HR and got all of the nuances? Or you just made assumptions based on what you saw? Because I seriously doubt you spent a lot of time with new parents discussing how they planned to allocate their leave. Because law grants either parent in Japan leave. Way to not know what you’re talking about.
You know that there are also countries that don’t even give any time off, right? And that in countries where there aren’t specific guidelines, it is up to employers to determine policies. Was I supposed to go over labour laws for all 195 countries in the world? If I don’t, are you just going to continue to try to claim I have no argument?
Eldryanyyy t1_j6dwdpf wrote
The law you’re discussing wasn’t only passed recently, but holds little ground in japan where building relationships at work trumps legal technicalities. Most men still won’t take the leave, or face consequences, while women will not face those consequences.
China offers 98 days to women, up to 15 days for men depending on wife age.
India offers 26 weeks maternity leave, 0 paternity leave.
That’s almost 50% of the world right there. Compared to your 2%. Satisfied?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_leave
You can see the times of each country under ‘by continent’.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6dxq9b wrote
Yes. Reference China and India…. Two countries known for their high quality labour laws and excellent working conditions. That will definitely prove your point.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6dxxze wrote
I left the Wikipedia with every country’ policy listed. Essentially 0% have equal leave.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6dycca wrote
Your statement was fathers get nothing. I said this is not true in many countries. I provided examples of multiple countries where parental leave, inclusive of leave for fathers, is provided. I supported my argument, which showed your argument (that fathers receive nothing) is inaccurate when it comes to multiple countries and is continuing to improve.
Great job.
Also, maternity leave may not have to do with recovery time, but it sure as hell has a lot to do with practicality. Men don’t lactate. Formula is expensive. Uptake on parental leave by men is still slow (which is what that japanese article was about.. it wasn’t new policy; it was about promoting existing policy so more men use it by requiring companies to make sure they reiterate it to men). There are so many countries where women aren’t even seen as people still.. where they aren’t able to drive, or their wardrobes are dictated, or they can’t get a quality education… and you’re using those countries, the ones that are forcing women into a role that solely exists to procreate, as examples of how men are hard done by because they don’t get equal leave after a woman gives birth.
We do need to promote equality for parental leave because it equally impacts women who would prefer to return to work… but we need to promote equality in general and not penalizing for taking leave. Because, guess what, it is still damaging to a woman’s career if she is off for a year raising kids.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6e8mtn wrote
No… your argument falls short.
Because maternity leave is so much longer, the mom will be with the baby while the father gets nothing. I said this because it means that the scenario described in OP will inevitably occur, due to systemic differences in gender treatment under the laws of 99% of countries. Your argument fails to address that.
About practicality: We have these things called refrigerators, where we can store milk… although many women use powder these days. That’s not why women have more leave.
About your ‘well this is wrong for women’: There are 0 countries where women aren’t viewed as people. I’ve lived in ‘oppressive’ countries (notably a few STAN countries), and women are respected in all of them… Not driving or wearing sexy clothes doesn’t make someone not a person. Although those laws exist in like 2 countries, you’d be shocked how open minded the reality is in those countries.
Lastly: Whether it damages a career or not depends on the career.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6edb6p wrote
Do you know how breasts work? Because they still require pumping.. so there is time dedicated to that if a woman is going keep lactating, meaning time during the day to pump (20-30 minutes to do it properly), a thermal bag to store breastmilk.. storage at home for breastmilk. You really do not seem to know much about this.. especially based on your comment again about powder. Formula is really expensive. While, yes, people absolutely use it, it adds significant costs if you are dependent entirely on formula.
There are also way more than two countries where modesty laws exist and even more countries where equality is a massive issue.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6ekgtm wrote
I’m discussing laws about driving. Actually only 1 country. Modesty laws are in almost every country, affecting men and women.
20-30 minutes a day… is not the reason why women get entire days off work. I’ve had colleagues store the milk during lunch breaks, in countries with lower leave times.
Equality is something a few countries don’t have, but based on your posts, I highly doubt you’ve ever seen what these countries are actually like.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6fkqxz wrote
Great one. You are showing a lack of understanding when it comes to multiple things.
Firstly, it isn't 20-30 minutes per day. It is 20-30 minutes per pumping session. That is 8-10 times per day. And, again, I did not say it is impossible to do this. I said it was incredibly inconvenient to do this. Talking about your colleagues is not going to do much here because you've already proven yourself to know very little about most anything surrounding this. Clearly, you are a man. There is definitely no way that you are paying this much attention to what your female colleagues are doing with their breasts during the work day because, if you were, you'd look like a giant pervert.
And now you're going to try to claim that I haven't been exposed to other cultures? That definitely is going to give your baseless comments merit. Admittedly, I have not been to China. I've been to India. I've been to Iceland. I've been to the UK. I've been to Pakistan. How many more countries do you want me to list? Because I spent most of my 20s working for an International humanitarian organization and dealt with maternal, newborn and child health.. so I can go for a while here and I can list a whole lot of stuff. I'd like you to continue to tell me how hard men have it when it comes to childcare when there are a significant number of countries that don't even provide women with enough care to give them good odds during childbirth.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6h5frl wrote
India isn’t the country you discussed where women ‘aren’t treated like human beings’. Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Iran…are. Changing the subject pretty obviously when it’s clear you are wrong.
8 times a day is for new mothers. Maternity leave is way too long for that to ever be relevant. Changing the subject again. Most women only pump every 4 hours when they return to work. Once before work, once during lunch, once after work.
Seems the lack of understanding clearly isn’t mine.
Men often have no right to even raise their own children in many countries. Including the west. However, this argument style of ‘what about men and this’ is clearly a deflection because you know I’m right.
billebop96 t1_j6eqohb wrote
They never said fathers get nothing, only that in most places, mothers generally get more. Sure, that’s starting to change but it’s definitely still not at parity in much of the world.
ProbablyNotADuck t1_j6fjcvv wrote
They actually literally said fathers get nothing in their original comment.
"Or because women get maternal leave, and fathers get nothing"
psibomber t1_j6b7wpv wrote
Every kid I've talked to growing up had their parents argue over that, break up, and then pretty much make their kid's lives worse over these small petty things.
Like I said, every couple can work something out to be most content. Just figure out how to be happy, for their sake and their kid's sake. In the first world we have so much, and we take it all for granted. It's so stupid when parents are arguing nonstop over how many dishes were done or how many diapers were changed, who works and who doesn't, who earns the most money. And every kid with single parents.
YoggyYog t1_j6ce4jp wrote
Have you considered the possibility that they break up /because/ there is no solution other than the maternal unit taking on the responsibilities the paternal unit avoids. These issues matter, and they’re so prevalent, because there is a big problem with avoidance of responsibility in the household among men.
These-Dragonfruit189 t1_j6av2s2 wrote
That’s it ^
Eldryanyyy t1_j6chw3v wrote
This sounds so toxic. He was proud of being a great father, so you felt slighted and insulted him?
OffusMax t1_j6b48pk wrote
No malice intended, but you sound like my wife, who will bite off her nose to spite her face and has a very sharp tongue. I can’t tell you how many times she’s hurt me because she’s taken something I’ve said the wrong way.
I suggest that you talk to him and give him a heartfelt apology. Tell him that you were upset and why you were upset and that you reacted without thinking. And that you’re very sorry. That you do appreciate all that he does.
You both need to remember that you’re a team. It’s supposed to be the two of you against the world and that everyone contributes in their own way.
Good luck
love_that_fishing t1_j6bvmmq wrote
He also slept till late afternoon while you had the kid all day. My guess is that was the underlying issue. Unless he works night shift that would piss me off too.
SatyaNi t1_j6caxx3 wrote
Every woman is pissed off when her man is peacefully napping anyway.
DJ_Rand t1_j6ce5w3 wrote
Dated a girl once where our work shifts differed, she basically would leave for work about 4 hours before I would. She also didn't like to get much sleep herself. Though she'd take a nap when she got home from work while I was still at work. We'd then spend the rest of the day together, and I'd wake up and keep her company when she was getting ready for work, and then I'd try to get a couple more hours of sleep before I had to leave for work.
By the end of the week, I'd be so tired from not having regular sleep, that on my days off I would pass out for about 10 hours... this upset her greatly, and she'd go off on me and stay mad for a day or so. Because I was sleeping...
That was the single most annoying thing I've ever dealt with.
Some people just want a reason to be upset.
louwyatt t1_j6auqwd wrote
Did you and your husband work the same amount at this time?
Plus_Inevitable_771 t1_j6b1d30 wrote
Problem is... even if you guys get past this. I can promise you. He will never forget it. I cant shake what my wife said to me even after 5 years. I would recommend a bit of therapy to talk it out properly. It is not easy to forget or forgive something like that.
HFGuy9999 t1_j6aiydr wrote
Clearly you still hold some resentment about him not pulling his weight with the baby. Maybe the two of you can get some help and talk it out before it builds up and exploded again ?
[deleted] OP t1_j6alkve wrote
Maybe. But again it’s been like 7 years. I was definitely more involved with our kid when they were a baby back then but he wasn’t nonexistent like I said he was. He was very much there but just not as involved with our child back then as he is now. He’s an incredible and very involved parent now which is great. I just feel like I shouldn’t have said it how I said it and it wasn’t really even relevant to what he was saying so I feel bad.
HFGuy9999 t1_j6ameau wrote
Talk to him, don't dismiss your own feelings, but explain them to him.
[deleted] OP t1_j6aoyfc wrote
[deleted]
lifeunderthegunn t1_j6cxr0f wrote
Maybe you deserve to deal with some shit? Take your lumps. What you said to him would have been a relationship ender for me personally. He may never come back from that comment emotionally even if he comes back physically.
HFGuy9999 t1_j6au64t wrote
He shouldnt be doing that, he is tainting any relationship with them. Any problems the two of you have should stay between you two.
hogtiedcantalope t1_j6avrzt wrote
Shouldn't he be able to discuss his problems with his family, it's absurd to insist he can't talk things through with those most important to him
HFGuy9999 t1_j6aygqy wrote
There is a difference between talking to them about having troubles, it's a totally different thing to bad mouth her.
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6d053f wrote
Agreed, but we don't know if he's bad mouthing her yet. And honestly, she said some hurtful shit that she knows she should apologize for and she still hasn't.
Kyuthu t1_j6b43x2 wrote
Yeah she's very specifically said so she has to go through it all again with them too. There's asking for help and advice on complicated issues, and then there's just saying things you don't need to share to make yourself feel better, at the cost of their opinion of your partner changing and them having a go at her later also.
There's a line between the two that you should try not to cross to prevent damaging your own relationship. Their one does not sound good or healthy. You don't need to tell your family and friends every single little mishap or argument or thing your partner as ever said.
She's said one line accidentally, apologised, but he's gone off to his family's, telling them all about it and she's going to have to deal with their opinions and comments on it later. That's not good. He should really be talking to her about it.
SatyaNi t1_j6cb8rw wrote
You are making this up. All we know is he gone to his mom's. An you are really Quick to dismiss the shit OP said...
Kyuthu t1_j6cdfk3 wrote
What are you talking about. It's in her comments.
SatyaNi t1_j6cef1c wrote
That he went. Not that he vented.
Why assume the worst ?
RedPine1234 t1_j6chqqr wrote
She also said that she’ll have to go through it with them later. Implying that he’s vented to them in the past and coloured their opinion of her, which she then has to deal with. Did you miss that?
Kyuthu t1_j6chzjv wrote
It's not assuming, it's inferring directly from what she has said. 'I'm sure he's blowing out to his family so I'll have to deal with their shit later too". That's not something you say when this isn't a normal occurrence or something you've had to deal with before. You don't usually spout totally irrelevant assumptions out with no bases like that. Then you add on that he's held money over her head multiple times in the past, because he earns/pays more than her towards their house/life and suddenly her responses, whilst wrong, all make sense.
It's not assuming anything, it's taking directly from her post and the various comments she's made in the thread
SatyaNi t1_j6cm1ow wrote
My comment was also for her. He went to his mom's.
May be to seek advices, maybe for getting some confort.
By assuming that he went to complain, there is little chance the situation wil end peacefully
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6czxq2 wrote
I agree with you. OP is speculating, unless he's consistently done this before. Also, OP hasn't apologized yet. Her husband is sitting there stewing on the untrue and hurtful comment - I would need some space from her too.
SatyaNi t1_j6d7wqw wrote
The main problem I think is that it is not the first time that this occure.
Both of them seems to compete zbout who do the most for the kid.
It began with OP complaining about the father involvment in the begining, and him bein defensive.
As far as I know, that is a tecipe for à nasty break up brewing.
anirban_dev t1_j6cppzf wrote
You're replying in a reddit thread regarding the same problems.
DampSeaTurtle t1_j6atg74 wrote
This is exactly why resentment is so important to address, because left unchecked it comes out sideways 7 years later.
All the time in the world can pass, if it's not dealt with then it's still there.
Illustrious-Front224 t1_j6b3qir wrote
Youre way too worried about stating you did more lol
olduvai_man t1_j6anhaj wrote
From your other comments it seems like he worked the late shift, which explains why he was asleep until that point. Were you also working during the first years of the kids life?
[deleted] OP t1_j6aorhz wrote
Maybe I’m not explaining things very well. When I first had our child seven years ago we both worked the same shift, day shift. That isn’t really relevant to todays issue though.
He works thirds now so his sleep schedule is off. He just naturally stays awake all night even on the weekends then sleeps during the day because that’s what his body has accustomed to.
And while I understand that, I was just frustrated that he couldn’t force himself to sleep last night while we all slept so that he could spend the day with us as a family but I know that his body has just acclimated to a different sleeping pattern. I just took my bitterness out on him for me feeling lonely today I think
olduvai_man t1_j6aql1e wrote
In another comment, you indicate that you went on FMLA while he worked (unless I'm reading that wrong). Perhaps that's why you took on the brunt of the child-care (again unless I'm misunderstanding)?
In any case, the fact that you're reaching back 7 years to get upset seems to indicate that there is a larger problem here.
[deleted] OP t1_j6ardgj wrote
No you got that correct. I was on FMLA for three months. However he did receive 2 weeks of paternal leave and it was paid if I recall correctly. He ended up quitting and took out 13k from his 401k to spend time with us while he studied to get into a different field but even then I recall being the one up at night with our child while he slept. He helped. Don’t get me wrong. But he didn’t help in the aspect that I wish he would have. I just need to get over it. It’s not something that’s bothered me for a long time. I think it was just the fact that he was boasting about all that he provided for our child and it made me feel like he thinks he is the one who provides everything.
There have been money issues in our relationship where he’s had to cover some of the bills that are my responsibility. He pays for all of the rent which is quite a bit but I pay everything else. At times he has had to buy groceries and pay for my car payment and such when I don’t get my hours at work. He’s held that over my head many times and I think it’s just gotten to me and when he says things that make himself look good I get defensive about myself because it makes me feel discounted. It’s a me issue and I acknowledge that though.
Anxiet t1_j6atstz wrote
I maybe out of pocket but it comes off as you being ungrateful and resentful. You note what he was doing the fall back on “but I did”. It undermines what he was doing and comes off like it’s not enough. You note he helped a little while doing x or x and y. Then fall back to then throw shade cause you were only doing one thing while on leave.
You comment about money problems… while he doing what it sounds like to solve those and then trying to put in work.
I feel like this is similar to a scenario with my sister. She had kids. She lost SO MUCH time. I feel bad, she missed out on a lot. Her man worked his ass off and tried to be there when he wasn’t tired or beat. He hid it. He would talk to me all the time about how much of a failure he feels like as a dad. Like how he never there. How hard it is and how his kids are close to my sis and kind of with him.
My sister said stuff to him like this and it destroyed him. He never recovered. I wonder if your husband has these thoughts. You should talk to him. I bet he wants to be there.
Idk if you’ve ever switched your body’s clock to another shift but you can’t just flip it for one night. I abused sleep meds to do this. I’m 38 and paying a hard price for this. Breathing issues, head pains, and other issues all cause I worked nights for 7 years and would up n down my sleep by taking a Benadryl or Tylenol sleep till my stomach bled. But hey I paid the bills and still did shit I wanted right?
I’m not meaning to attack you but I think your lost in your feelings and thoughts and definitely think your disconnected from your hubby and the true impact of your words and thoughts of what he should be doing.
olduvai_man t1_j6av9or wrote
Got it, and I pseudo-understand everyone's side in this,
I've got a disabled kid and have worked two jobs throughout the relationship. It would be easy to get bitter and complain, but my wife has always been there to support me and has helped with the kids. If she came out and told me how she shaped them from a young age, I'd agree!
Keeping score in relationships is a sure-fire way to ensure you will be divorced. It's a partnership, and sometimes one group will give more than the other, but it should even out in the end and both sides should come to an agreement that responsibility has been largely shared and that love supported the remainder.
Perhaps your husband is lazy or didn't contribute (it's impossible to determine without his side), but I'd just drop it and focus on the good things each of you are doing now. The father of your children being proud at his role as a parent is a positive thing some would kill for (unless he truly is a deadbeat).
Hope you two can come together, but this line of thinking is a death sentence for a family.
DJ_Rand t1_j6cfdf0 wrote
Agree with you. Furthermore, if someone is happy about something they are doing and just passively saying it such as "I'm providing such awesome stuff for this kiddo." Or "man I've been working hard, it's paying off" never view that as an attack on yourself. Sometimes it's a simple as a person just thinking about what they are doing and being happy about it.
What you don't want to do is tear someone down for doing a good thing. You're better off supporting their decision to do a good thing. Do not take someone providing and doing hard work for granted. This is supposed to go both ways. Build each other up, don't tear each other down.
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6cxe2c wrote
This provides a lot more context. Your original post is missing a lot of information, and I bet you're still holding on to more.
Either way, I understand it's difficult in the moment to get frustrated when someone doesn't meet your expectations, but you have to understand everyone has limitations. Also, it sounds like your husband has done a ton of work to provide for you.
- You weren't able to meet your financial obligations and he picked up your slack.
- He sacrificed his retirement funds and had to pay taxes on the early withdrawal of them to spend time with you when his job didn't provide enough paternal leave.
- He used his time to study for a new industry to hopefully make more money (perhaps, b/c your contributions are not consistent or you both decided that your total family income needs to increase). IDK.
It's not a race to provide for your child. You both are contributing in very different, but important ways.
Now, this is not to say that he shouldn't praise you for all the hands on work in raising a child. This may be the issue. Just apologize sincerely. But maybe say that it would be nice to be recognized for your work too, if that's what caused it.
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6cxn3a wrote
Edit (addition): you don't need to get over it. You should think about how each of you contributes to the duchess of raising your child. Plenty of people argue about not having enough to make ends meet, but it seems like your husband is working to make that one less item to stress over.
niko4ever t1_j6d7xcp wrote
>At times he has had to buy groceries and pay for my car payment and such when I don’t get my hours at work. He’s held that over my head many times
You raise a child together but have separate finances? Yeah no wonder it's causing tension between you. Why do you have separate groceries of all things?
[deleted] OP t1_j6d8f61 wrote
We don’t have separate groceries. We separate our finances in which a lot of couples do.
niko4ever t1_j6dbq1p wrote
So it's your job to pay for groceries?
I know a lot of couples that have completely separate finances, but not any with kids. Especially when one works more or earns more. I guess there's no reason it couldn't be done though.
But it's perfectly normal to want to hold things over his head when he's holding other things over yours.
OneOfTheLocals t1_j6bkdam wrote
It's not all you. You're not crazy. Providing financially doesn't mean he has met every single need. He needs to acknowledge what you do and have sacrificed is just as important. Years of doing all of the night parenting still haunt me sometimes. It would be worth looking for a professional to talk to and process some of your totally justified feelings.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6ci3vp wrote
That’s not how sleeping works. You can’t just suddenly change your schedule by 12 hours, then change back, every weekend. To be healthy, your body needs to sleep and wake up around the same time everyday…
zepplinc20 t1_j6d9zet wrote
Yeah I was in a 5 yr relationship where I worked 12hr nights for most of that. Switched my sleep schedule to spend time with her every weekend. That was rough. I realized that she never once stayed up late to spend time with me. Felt a bit one sided.
Kyuthu t1_j6b5yre wrote
Idk why you're getting downvoted for a normal reaction to previous stuff, that you're being very open and honest about and acknowledging was a bad thing. I swear people see a downvoted post and just base their final opinion on what the majority think.
That all sounds normal, either have a good long chat with him about it and explain what's happened and why, and apologise... or maybe therapy if you're not sure where it definitely came from. You wanted to spend time with him, you can't because of his shifts, but today both missing him and being alone combined with him saying something that made you feel like you didn't provide enough made you overly sensitive, (because he's held money over your head in the past so this seems normal, but could also be your own overly high expectations of yourself and insecurities) and in the moment you said something you shouldn't have about him being absent in the past also.
These things bothered you in the past and maybe you didn't address them enough, but the real issue seems to be that you're ashamed about your money contributions, lonely and he's always asleep because of work. You want more time with him by the sounds of it and to discuss and come to terms with the difference in money.
If you've got friends and hobbies I'm betting you're mostly fine, but not fully with him always awake at different times from you. If you don't have these other support systems, and all you have on the weekends is your kid and a sleeping husband... I'm betting the loneliness is actually killing the relationship and your mental health slowly. Idk what the solution for that is, you probably need to work that out together. You're way more likely to snap and say things like this if you're lonely and getting depressed though, and this sounds like a possibility from what you've described.
If he's oversharing with family and that's coming back in a negative way on you, you probably also need to talk about that. There's asking for advice on complicated things and then oversharing for validation and hurting your partner in the process. He needs to make sure he's doing the former and not the latter.
SatyaNi t1_j6cbh88 wrote
It is good you can aknowledge that.
But may be both of you should go to couplé therapy, because there seems to be unresolved issues between you.
One-Mind4814 t1_j6bszsa wrote
As a single mom who worked night shift, when you have a kid you make it work. He SHOULD have went to sleep with you guys so on his days off he can help out instead of staying up late on the days he is off. I feel like you keep downplaying your VALID emotions and it seems as though you’ve been doing it for so long that you finally “exploded” today.
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6cz8vk wrote
With a ton of respect for your superhuman ability as a single mom, OP and her husband are in a totally different situation. Using SHOULD seems super judgemental towards the husband, when it sounds like he's contributing. Just because it's not what you and OP wish, it doesn't mean he isn't doing a lot. What should have happened and what should happen now is for the couple to sit and discuss what they want from each other in the child rearing area. Perhaps, when he wakes up, OP's husband take them ice skating and then out for hot chocolate in a totally cool family outing. IDK and neither does anyone else on Reddit.
Peace.
MikeColorado t1_j6bhxat wrote
As a dad, I can tell you how I would be, so this is from my viewpoint, not trying to hurt, you, but want to be truthful. If he loves your child, and deeply loves you as well, his heart is broke, his confidence and trust in doing his best is now in question, he may pull away from you to protect his heart. Is he 100% right, no, but the hurt is there and will take time to rebuild. Communication will be the key, and both of you will have to work on it. Please approach him and let him know you want to rebuild and it will take time. He will learn to trust in you again, he will learn to confide in you again, and he will learn how to help out so you feel it as well. As tough as men try to be, in reality we have a most fragile heart. Also know he 100% wants your relationship back the way it was. My middle son gave me a father's day card that brought me to tears. Inside he had written, "When I was young I wanted you around more. Now that I am on my own, I realize that you were sacrificing so we did not have to."
TSZod t1_j6amg0m wrote
Hmmm..While you absolutely harbor some resentment there and it may in fact be true.
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This sounds a lot like "Call of the Void" or as some may say an "Intrusive Thought" you let slip past the gates.
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I'd say a simple apology and just that you were really upset at the time. Explain that he's a great father and you just took XX out on him. We try to be the best to our spouses but all of us just snap sometimes and say hurtful things we don't intend to.
[deleted] OP t1_j6aoviw wrote
That’s what I did. Thank you for the advice. He is definitely upset and I can’t blame him for that. We’ve been together for a decade now and I just feel awful for saying what I said.
These-Dragonfruit189 t1_j6avqp6 wrote
Don’t forget… we always hurt the ones we love, but being someway pretentious with people we don’t care so much about to appear perfect. Just explain that you had a hot moment for xxxx reason and you of course didn’t mean that and bring up some 6-7 years old memory that was a “standard” in his part.
Bibblebits t1_j6arqxp wrote
The real question is, during those first 3 years was he working and you at home? Him working would eat up A LOT of time.
[deleted] OP t1_j6asmsy wrote
No. I was only at home during my maternal paid fmla leave. I returned to work after three months. I’ve never been a stay at home parent. Back then I actually worked 40+ just to afford our bills. I did work part time for a couple of months upon returning to work but part time was still 30 hours. And I was a full time student. Maybe that’s where this past resentment came from. I’m still a full time college student and my job is much more difficult and I’m full time. I’m always tired or depressed anymore and I just took it out on him. He makes more money than I do but accumulative I’m putting out more working hours than he does when I combine my work hours and school hours.
louwyatt t1_j6aw1n5 wrote
"My job is much more difficult." I don't think anyone realizes how hard someone else's job is until they try it. Whether or not someone job is easier than yours, is a wild thing to assume.
If his job earns more money, it's more likely his job is complicated. Complicated job requires a lot more thought and effort
Cenodeath t1_j6c2h5w wrote
Or more dangerous, or more physical, or required more study, or more investment etc.etc.
[deleted] OP t1_j6dacix wrote
Eh, except he works from home at his desk in a comfy chair in his pajamas and only requires a few weeks of studying for new certifications versus my job which requires handling people who want to physically hurt others, has put others in the hospital and requires a masters degree and additional exams and certifications.
So, no, not always true.
mcnathan80 t1_j6d7420 wrote
Yeah my wife used to give me shit for being a therapist. I came home after another day of hearing humans treating each other like animals, had to call CPS on a parent, and found out the reason one of my clients hadn’t been to session was they had been arrested for (alleged) murder.
My wife was all like “how hard is it? You just sit there and listen to people”
Lemme tell you I sat her down and looked straight into her eyeballs and I said looks around for a little bit and checks behind the curtain “Biiiiiiiiitch”
[deleted] OP t1_j6d9yrw wrote
I’m also a therapist.
mcnathan80 t1_j6fn8hb wrote
Dang the struggle is real
It took me awhile but I eventually got a therapist myself and it was life changing
I’m pulling for you guys
[deleted] OP t1_j6da6aj wrote
His job isn’t more complicated at all. Lol. He works from home and I have watched and heard his job. I’m a behavior therapist who deals with multiple clients who literally want to hurt everyone around them. I currently have a coworker in the hospital due to one of my clients breaking her knee. Meanwhile my husband gets to sit at his desk and do his work that he also enjoys. Which is great. However I KNOW that my job is more demanding.
ArtisticTruck4263 t1_j6cj82e wrote
Yup, you fucked up
oofrobloxmaster t1_j6anov9 wrote
Was he the sole provider while you were talking care of the baby or were you both working at that time? Was he waking up at 3:30 cuz he’s working long shifts or was he just up playing video games late into the night hence why he couldn’t wake up
[deleted] OP t1_j6aogbt wrote
When I had our child we were both working. I was on FMLA for three months then went back to work part time while he paid for the majority of the bills but now we both work full time and I’m a full time student. He works 40 hours a week and I avg around 30-40 depending on client call offs. He works third shift so his sleep pattern is awake all night and sleep until our kid gets home from school then he goes back to bed when I get home from work.
louwyatt t1_j6avi18 wrote
So he's fine with you taking time off work to study and pay the difference. But you're angry when he took time off to both spend with you and STUDY that he didn't do enough? You're gonna end up doing more if one of you is trying to study, surely you understand that
SkoopleFloop t1_j6cduyo wrote
Should be in AITA. And of course, you’re the AH, OP.
Your comments in the thread are worrying too. Sounds like your harbouring resentment and take it out on your husband quite a lot. You should talk more.
Horse_Masterbator t1_j6d0c8c wrote
OP you are fine. Don't listen to anybody here, your relationship is normal. Perfect? No. But these things you work out. Ignore the people saying its toxic, or you should run etc etc. Stay with your husband, talk things through if needed and raise the kids. This is not internet worthy and handle your family. You'll be ok!
Reddit is going to insult you for being a stay at home mom, or one who works and everything in between. People on here are trash or idiots. Including me! Apologize, hug and try and make peace. Cheers!
[deleted] OP t1_j6d8k33 wrote
Thank you. We are okay. I just needed to get it off my chest. Anyone who seriously thinks leaving a relationship just because of an issue arises just tells me that they haven’t been in a long term relationship.
Horse_Masterbator t1_j6d9w9d wrote
Good to hear and yeah, its 99% of reddit. The old meme being "He frowned near you, divorce! Red Flag! Lawyer up!" You know what I mean. It's just over the top social media dummies screeching.
syn2083 t1_j6az8le wrote
My wife and I have had to work hard to get through a lot of the same types of feelings you indicate here.
The number one thing you must do, both, when these thoughts and reactions come up is communicate. It can be extremely hard, painful, sad, but you cannot move forward while you drag the past with you.
I implore you to do that, depending on your situation there may be some counciling that can be done, or mom groups, many libraries have numerous programs, online groups, etc.
I am not trying to say you are nuts, but everyone needs help, and that can be in many forms and methods, seeking help, being open, honest.. that leads to hope, stability, comfort.
If you love your family and your SO, then you need to try to set aside any resentment and let yourself heal, let yourself be OK, find things that let you unwind, give you breaks, and in the long run that provides stability for you, them, everyone.
You can't be expected to be perfect, no one can be, so accept that you are not, he isn't, and that's OK. Like a rock in the ocean the waves pass, but you don't need to be made to live in an eternal storm. Feelings are good, but if you react like you did, and casually mention it was from sadness and depression, frustration at having to be the sole person handling the child... yeah, been there, that feeling sucks, and couple that with down thoughts, simmering resentment because we are human, and in some cases logical and emotional crash and burn...
Well, like I said, get some help, people who feel down and sad deserve help, discussion, the ability to process and cope, just like anyone else. That's not shameful, and there are many places to find help when it is needed.
I hope you are able to find some peace, and calmness for you. You matter as much as anyone, and that is a priceless lesson for a child or partner, we all deserve that. Sometimes it's not an easy journey, but it's worth shooting for, and shows others that this is not weakness or to be buried, acceptance and love see you through, self first then others.
WarXMT t1_j6cf81d wrote
I'm not sure if you're looking for someone on Reddit to excuse you. Here's my take on it. Even though the husband did all he could(or thought he could) you still wanted more. The kid tires you out because, you know, that's what kids do. This tiredness in turn is making you resent your husband, not because he doesn't or hasn't done enough, but because as a mother you have a different connection with your child. I'm not going to go into the merit of whether you FU or not but you will definitely FU if you don't make this right and talk to your husband. As a husband and father myself, I'd rather people tell me what a shitty husband I am than that I wasn't there for my kids.
doonieburg t1_j6cujtl wrote
I think this is so common, even when we try to divide the child rearing, it always felt like I was taking most of the emotional labor. For our first child, also 7 years ago, we both worked full time but i breastfed so it didn’t make sense that he would get up in the night but I still felt like because of that, during the day he should have picked up more slack. Maybe he did but being overwhelmed and exhausted makes it hard to see. For a couple of years we decided that he should stay at home because I made more money and childcare was astronomical. Somehow I was still handling the little things like doctors appointments, enrolling in school, making grocery lists etc and working 50 hours a week. My boyfriend is a great father and we have 2 kids now, been together 14 years but my kids are harder on me, demand more of my attention and expect more from me than they do from him. It can feel more like I’m carrying the brunt of the child rearing even if he is active and present the emotional labor is not divided. It seems like you’re overwhelmed, over worked and depressed? If that is the case you should sit down and think about what specific issues caused what you said and offer him a sincere apology and explanation. That’s the best you can do and go from there.
dankscope420 t1_j6arx0c wrote
in general even if it was completely true that’s still way past expired as something you can bring up. harboring things like this and calling them out of the blue way down the line is just hurtful and not constructive. if you have a problem express it right away or you pretty much lose your right to, things like this are much more hurtful to hear after the fact because nothing can be done about it. then they also have to assume that you have just been resenting them the whole time for it. not trying to make you feel any worse about the situation but that’s just not healthy communication even if it was truthful. i’m sure if you try to explain to him that other factors were at play like him sleeping late, and explain that it was just misplaced anger he will probably understand.
[deleted] OP t1_j6asvza wrote
You’re 100000% correct here. It’s something that’s happened way too long ago and shouldn’t even be relevant to todays issues. The more I talk about it the more I think I see why I said it but it doesn’t make it okay nor justified. I definitely explained to him why I think I said it and apologized for saying it and that I do acknowledge how great of a parent he is with our child. I don’t want him to think I see less of him or anything like that. I know I fucked up. Bleh. I feel super shitty about it.
coffee_snake t1_j6c6fso wrote
Resentment almost always leads to divorce.
Key_Statistician_126 t1_j6cpdry wrote
Congratulations, you managed to fiddle with the one exposed nerve every working father has. Please, continue to carelessly approach this subject without tact to cause an emotional break down due to this underlying insecurity we all share.
[deleted] OP t1_j6bldm0 wrote
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[deleted] OP t1_j6bp54z wrote
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xyro71 t1_j6buo0v wrote
From my experience, we as men can only do so much in the early stages. The child is attached to their mom. Nothing we can do about it. My kid will sometimes refuse to let me in their room to play but will then insist on mom to come play instead. I have no control over that.. mainly because they're two and half years old.... You need to step back and really think about the situation I think. Maybe you'll see just how little choice we have in the early years
ashsrodrigues t1_j6bwsuj wrote
Can you elaborate on the dynamics of your relationship, like are you'll both bringing in income, how many hours each are working? Who's doing the cooking and the cleaning? Etc..
faceoffster t1_j6c80jt wrote
I’d make a date with him and sit him down and tell him how truly sorry you are that you sorry you said those hurtful words. And you hope he would forgive you. It’s about all you can do if you are sincere and ask him if there is anything else you can do to make it up with him. Other than to tell him what a good husband and father would be great. Admit your faults and praise the great things he has done for the family. Good luck Let me know how it turns out
mostly_browsing t1_j6c93w6 wrote
If you still have resentment about what happened when your baby was a newborn, talk it out with him.
Cocomomoizme t1_j6c9ruk wrote
Please just talk to him. Talk! Just chat anytime anything upsets you. Get it out of the system. Nip it in the bud before it becomes a big oozing festering blister. I had a chat with my husband early on after we had our first baby. 3 kids later, he’s the star from 5pm-8pm, Monday through Friday!
lifeunderthegunn t1_j6cxbsr wrote
Something tells me this comment is just the tip of the iceberg on what your problems as a couple are. Couples counseling might not be a bad idea.
jakkiljr t1_j6co1p8 wrote
Sounds like deep seated, raging resentment, frustration and anger.
Regardless of whether or not you "meant" to say it, those are the words you chose to spew vitriolically at him.
Are you really happy with this man ? Or are you just fooling yourself?
SESHPERANKH t1_j6cqo6d wrote
you want him to forgive you? Say this.
"Im sorry. I made your statement about me. I will do better and stop trying to make it all about me. "
I say this because you sound exactly like my first wife. Everything I did somehow affected her. When I took smoke breaks. I took MLK day off and she didn't. SO I was avoiding her. My having to work overtime, caused her stress.
Stop being a Me-Me
[deleted] OP t1_j6d98a1 wrote
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TheCaffieneAddict t1_j6aoadp wrote
How did your child maintain the house?
[deleted] OP t1_j6ap9kx wrote
I was up with our rambunctious child AND was trying to maintain the house. *facepalm
zyzz09 t1_j6cjuez wrote
We arnt complicated. Just suck him off.
Disastrous_Ask_5091 t1_j6azmpv wrote
Dont beat yourself up tho!! I can totally understand where youre coming from and probably women in general, at least sooo many women i know and myself are dealing with something in that area ( its acctually been named “the third shift that falls on women” in my country haha ) and even if it happened 7 years ago there can be lingering triggers that pop up in certain situations. I dont know how well this experience was resolved between you guys at the time or if you were able to express this openly enough to heal but being a new mom is just very challenging in itself and for you to be back at it so soon ( work and school ) i mean… phew
commandrix t1_j6b8xrf wrote
Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have said that, but maybe he shouldn't have made a comment about buying his kid stuff in the middle of you having a bad day either. Maybe an ESH situation simply because I can see how you'd say something you regret later in the heat of the moment.
SoflaSF t1_j6b1up8 wrote
fuck him and his sensItive ass
robbiewilso t1_j6ayajl wrote
eh give him some really attentive lovemaking and he will forget allll about it.
NorthImpossible8906 t1_j6akrxu wrote
> He slept until 330pm and I was up since 730am with our rambunctious child trying to maintain the house while feeling sick and depressed.
>When our kid was a newborn it was all me though. It was me changing the diapers and me feeding throughout the night and me trying to keep up on everything with the kid and everything else
sounds like you were justified in your statements.
[deleted] OP t1_j6al51a wrote
I said it out of anger. And I wouldn’t say they’re justified. It’s been almost 7 years since the newborn phase. Our kid will be 7 soon. And for the past 4 years he’s been phenomenal. I shouldn’t have brought up the past. It wasn’t relevant to today. He works a third shift schedule so he usually sleeps during the day. I was just frustrated about it and felt alone
great_auks t1_j6aj1vs wrote
>When our kid was a newborn it was all me though. It was me changing the diapers and me feeding throughout the night and me trying to keep up on everything with the kid and everything else. I very clearly remember that but it’s been 7 years almost and it doesn’t matter now.
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>I didn’t mean it.
I can't see how both of these can be true. If you feel that way you did mean it, you just feel bad you said it.