Submitted by dylancatlow t3_1130u8q in todayilearned
Reply to comment by myeff in TIL that the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night" was the opening line to an actual novel published in 1830, but runs on for another 51 words: "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which..." by dylancatlow
Lmao omg I cant stop laughing after reading one of the contest winners' opening sentence
This is a gold mine.
The 2021 winner in the Children's category:
>Despite an exhaustive search, rescuers were unable to locate young Christopher Robin in the Hundred Acre Wood before hypothermia took him, and the animals he once called friends descended upon his corpse like a silly old bear upon a pot of hunny.
>Paul Kollas, Orlando, FL
That would be a Florida Man novel . Most excellent.
Only if it included the term "bath salts."
i bet hunny is a florida slang term for bath salts
Now this is fucking funny! Bulwer Litton was ironic. These prize winners have to be really good to be that bad.
2010 Grand Prize Winner:
For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.
When I woke up today, I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that I’d encounter the term “world’s thirstiest gerbil” but there it is.
A fine example of Vogon poetry.
Well… that was upsetting.
Aww don't be sad, you can be someone's waterbottle one day.....or be the gerbil....um...just take heart, okay? Something will happen at somepoint, sometime.
″The countdown stalled at T-Minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up into space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakeably - the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career,″
I love the one about the guy who saved his own life by using his skills as a mimic to induce the firing squad to shoot themselves
Thats an opening line?
It was only when the booming voice of the Sergeant-at-Arms rang out declaiming the surprising order for each and every member of the firing squad to shoot the Sergeant-at-Arms himself and then turn their rifles on each other, an order assiduously followed by the well-trained soldiers, that the cigarette-smoking, blindfolded Gerry Corker truly appreciated the seemingly endless hours his mother had denied him on the baseball field during his lonely childhood, instead sending him every afternoon to Crazy Barney’s School of Mimicry and Ventriloquism.
John Shafer, Tonbridge, Kent, UK
Comin' out the gates swingin'
That's the most intriguing thing I've ever read
I could probably submit something worth the read.
John looked down at his undesirable toast, cooked unevenly on the upper right corner, enough to trigger a looming sense of irritation stemming from the service workers inherent lack of pride in their presentation, as he wondered to himself whether or not the butter had successfully penetrated that specific piece of his crispy warm bread. It had not, but John was too lacking in courage, or spineless, as some would say, to bring attention to his utter disappointment in his toast, so he chose to eat it as-is, while wondering what a life of courage and assertiveness would be like. These were the type of questions that led John down a very dangerous path.
Love it! But it has to be a single sentence. If you use a semi-colon instead of the first period and a colon or dash instead of the second one, you've got it!
[removed]
Roses are red, violets are a flower, why does this nigga got boots on in the shower?
Cause he’s in a porn and people are weird about feet
Clean it up and then enter it. It made me laugh.
Sorry, but that is 3 sentences. Change the full stop to a semicolon and ditch the last, pithy, sentence
Which one?
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