The Ultimate 6 Step Guide to Wallstreet Bets

Submitted by laughtract t3_z8do5b in wallstreetbets

Step 1: Take a Position. Buy Calls or Puts, or purchase stock; you can even short the stock if that’s the way you swing, etc. This step is meaningless, but cannot be skipped.

Step 2: Make a post on WSB that will convince others to go along with the position you have decided to take. Use the same mental hoops you’ve jumped through to let others know of the impending opportunity awaiting them.

Step 4: Draw straight lines on charts that imply the future is known and is in your favor. Make sure to only use the timelines that strengthen your position. Add these images into the middle of your post sandwiched between long paragraphs of text. *Bonus: include technical jargon and sprinkle in factual data that may or may not coincide with your predictions.

Step 5: Be active in the comment section. Upvote those that go along with your proposal and disparage those that don’t. Eg, “Some of you have never seen a balance sheet and it shows”.

Step 6 (Final Step): Gloat or Mope If you turn out to be right, make sure everyone knows luck had nothing to do with it. If you were wrong, advise them that although you were right, markets can behave irrationally longer than you can remain solvent.

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Comments

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Cautious_Rutabaga328 t1_iyb3o0z wrote

What's step 3? Have Wendy's job application filled out and sat on your desk as a contingency?

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WendysFryCook t1_iyb8zv4 wrote

We don't even take applications anymore. Just walk in and say you want a job. You're hired

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FatFrank_theExpat t1_iybg9lk wrote

The real question is, Why would anyone except the bullets of this post to be numerated in a logical order? That would require the poster being able to count to 5, and that type of math is way above the WSB pay grade. Stop being a nerd and buy some fucking options.

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Puts_on_Shorts t1_iybq8a8 wrote

The first rule of step three is: we don’t talk about step three…

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Cautious_Rutabaga328 t1_iybqfd8 wrote

But the not talking of step 3 is why i keep losing money and having to give handies behind Wendy's... Y'all are mean

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MAkrbrakenumbers t1_iybja1f wrote

If you know step 3 you don’t need to know the rest Edit I’m also sure it has something to do with TLRY OR MSOS

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VisualMod t1_iyb320a wrote

>Thanks for the tips! I'll definitely be sure to follow them when making my next post on WSB.

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KyleNoThumbs319 t1_iyb618x wrote

Step ??? Use profits to buy one five dollar biggie bag from Wendy’s.

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[deleted] t1_iyb6e3v wrote

[deleted]

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KyleNoThumbs319 t1_iyb6itv wrote

I would’ve laid down somewhere and accepted death. Props to you brother

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DA2710 t1_iyb91lc wrote

Damn it… get out of my head

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twarr1 t1_iybroqs wrote

How To Make Money In Stocks

  1. Randomly select 10,000 people.
  2. Send half of them your analysis that stock XYZ will go down.
  3. Send the other 5000your analysis XYZ will go up.
  4. Of the 5000 you sent the correct prediction to, send half up analysis and half down analysis. (It helps if your analysis has some new, exotic elements like your proprietary, patent pending retrocontabulator signal.
  5. Repeat step 4 once or twice.
  6. By now you have several hundred people thinking you’re the greatest stock picker in history. Offer them your daily newsletter for only $5,000/yr payable up front, a savings of 75%, because you have more money than you can use and now you just want to help your fellow man.

Do I need to add a disclaimer saying this is satire?

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Gourd-Futures69 t1_iybkgrb wrote

Optional Side Quest: make periodic asinine comments on posts you didn’t read and that mean nothing to you.

Also lie about blowing people behind a popular fast food franchise dumpster in your local neighborhood

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SlowPurplePanda t1_iybox8o wrote

What is this "purchase stock" strategy? I've never heard of it before, is it a new derivative or options spread strategy?

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BootyOptions t1_iydks5x wrote

You forgot the most important step:

At the end of your post, add MS Paint stick figure pictures comparing what you would look like if you had or hadn't invested.

The hadn't invested guy should be sitting alone with a cloud raining on him

The guy that invested should be in the sun surrounded by girls and bags with $ signs on them.

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VisualMod t1_iyb31fk wrote

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