Yeah, Its true that you're alone in this world. Starving dogs and what not, stupid movies we've all watched to feel introspective.

I had everything I wanted and threw it away. If you can get what I mean, that 50k I had would be worth more now with these opportunities that what I gambled it away on. Obviously, the 50k in my personal account was worth much less.

I had to learn what a dollar meant, nobody has ever taught me how to handle money. That is NOT blame, but it's a lesson I needed to learn. If I had 200k, shit even $20m, I would've lost it all. I didn't even look at the numbers as money. I grew up never seeing more than 1k cash. And honestly, the last time I saw that was when I was leaving the casino.

That should tell you something. I never took profit. I want to learn how to trade correctly, and I'll never give up, but at this point I haven't traded in 6 months, I'm broke. Can't even risk it. So, I can paper trade and just test my gambling. I hate it.

I have terrible self destructive habits that manifest when I least expect. It's something that I need to learn to live with.