Submitted by jonwilliamsl t3_zfe780 in washingtondc

I was in a Zoom meeting when the I heard the knock at the front door, so I didn't get the package immediately, then forgot about it until I heard a noise on the front stoop. Opened my door and started running (barefoot) and yelling at the guy--they were in a hoodie, with a stroller. Halfway down the block they threw the box out of the stroller and kept running.

Man, fuck those guys. It wasn't anything expensive--just an Amazon delivery for my housemate--but man I cannot stand the frustration of getting a package stolen.



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Kitchen_Software t1_izbhpea wrote

A person in our neighborhood recently posted a doorbell video of someone rifling through their mail, presumably looking/feeling for holiday cards that might contain cash or equivalent.

This shit knows no bounds.


Foggl3 t1_izc6y6n wrote

That's a felony, isn't it?

I mean, good luck getting the guy but you know what I mean.


IfUReadThisURLame t1_izc8hv3 wrote

It's a federal offense, which means it can be ignored by a different jurisdiction.


heelstoo t1_izci2am wrote

The USPS does not fuck around.


dmvdancer t1_izckrer wrote

Unfortunately, they take a damn long time. I've been reporting a credit card mail theft scheme to USPS investigators for over a year and a half and they still haven't taken any action. It's upwards of $10,000+ in fraud from over a dozen victims; and a similar case in New York was just prosecuted, but no action taken in DC yet.


heelstoo t1_izcwuyx wrote

I’ve actually emailed several of the folks in charge at the USPS in DC, and received responses. If you’re interested, send me a PM and I’ll dig around for those email addresses.


blues_and_ribs t1_izdnsxo wrote

The USPIS part of the postal museum is fascinating.

I mainly walked out of there thinking that it’s a shame that there’s no dedicated CSI-style USPIS show where they get to say cool stuff like, “Looks like justice [puts on sunglasses] . . .has been delivered.”


mdtransplant21 t1_izdv3c6 wrote

They have their own narcotics division. I wonder what kind of relationship they have with the DEA. Friendly rivalry, brothers-in-arms? Or are the DEA guys the high school jocks giving wedgies to the USPSIS nerds?


LanEvo7685 t1_izzxzbq wrote

Because when you control the mail, you control... INFORMATION!!!


ih8t314 t1_ize0wn6 wrote

USPS technically was stolen from because every mailbox is USPS property. Check the bottom of your mailbox.


squuidlees t1_ize10xy wrote

Porch pirates got a surprise if they steal any of my cards going out or coming in.. me and my friends are broke and just send each other free leaflets we find at cafes in our cities.


giscard78 t1_izejqm1 wrote

> Porch pirates got a surprise

pre-covid a friend of mine got his compost worms stolen and promptly strewn about the sidewalk several times lol


DJNickiBlake t1_izbc1g2 wrote

Fighting the battle, be careful out there!


jonwilliamsl OP t1_izbcmvj wrote

lmao I should clarify that I'm a 6'5, 250 pound dude; this strategy is not recommended for everyone.


freshOJ t1_izbiq7u wrote

Fellow large man here… anything can happen out there. It’s not worth it.


androbot t1_izdyffr wrote

If they're stealing from you, they're not prepared to fight for what they took. Thieves are cowards.


freshOJ t1_ize73hi wrote

Sometimes they’re cowards. Sometimes they’re not.


androbot t1_izfoz55 wrote

I feel like thieving makes them cowards. We may be disagreeing on a semantic point, though.


Gaijin_Monster t1_izcjegz wrote

if you don't fight for what's yours, you will lose it.


freshOJ t1_izckrdm wrote

We’re talking about an Amazon package for someone else that would have been redelivered anyways.


cityeng t1_ize349a wrote

That's...not true. I have plenty of stuff and have gotten in zero fights.


Brainjacker t1_izbiwpz wrote

I’m laughing imagining looking out the window watching a dude chase another dude throwing things out a stroller lol good for you


CriticalStrawberry t1_izbt4ms wrote

I'm glad this worked out in your favor, I really am. But size doesn't mean a thing when the guy pulls a gun.

Porch pirates are infuriating, but property theft isn't worth your life.


androbot t1_izdyjey wrote

People who will pull a gun from you will take things from you at gunpoint. They won't skulk around stealing things off your porch. Those people are cowards who will run at the first sign of trouble. Which is what they should get.


highvolt4g3 t1_izedzcg wrote

Would you be willing to bet your life on that? It's not just a gun, a knife is enough to kill you just as much. Just because someone carries a weapon doesn't mean they want to use it, but if they are being chased by a big dude they might do it.

I agree with not chasing, it's not worth the risk. Some kids stole our whole bowl of Halloween candy we had out front one year and my wife chased them because she wanted the bowl back. She got the bowl, but then the kids came back at night and threw rocks at our windows. It wasn't worth it.


androbot t1_izfortf wrote

I absolutely would and have aggressively confronted would-be thieves before. This is a person who has shown a willingness to invade my personal space to deprive me of my property. Who knows what else they are capable, or what will make them stop treating me and my loved ones as prey? I grew up with this dynamic in a very bad area, and there was only rational response - don't be an attractive target.

The fact that they're not actually entering my home makes the decision to confront a lot easier, to be honest. A home invader understands the potential for violence and will come armed. A porch pirate probably thinks they will get away clean.


MidnightSlinks t1_izbjyat wrote

I chased down pre-teens one time for knocking garbage cans over in our alley. I was 12 inches shorter and 135 pounds lighter than you at the time, so chases can be had by people of many sizes!


ReduceMyRows t1_izbwnu4 wrote

If it was me I’d have kept running at them for two blocks and get them winded.


[deleted] t1_izbmjsd wrote



KenyaviousJames t1_izbr1bu wrote

Damn, this post could radiate enough small dick energy to power the homes of all of Europe through the winter, my hands are glowing green just from typing a response to it


Zoroasker t1_izbnlkj wrote

I agree with your last sentence but the rest is rather odd and specific. What’s a soy beard?


AvatarTHW t1_izbknkv wrote

Good for you man, but be careful. I had my ties that I had bought for my engagement photos stolen last week. I was so furious. I've resorted to sending packages to my office.


punkwalrus t1_izc2n68 wrote

A friend of mine lives in Baltimore, and this is what he does: too many things stolen from his porch, including porch furniture, potted plants, and even his trash cans.


CaptConstantine t1_izd026t wrote

Our apartment in Baltimore finally gave up and just hired an armed security guard to stand by the mailbox all day (and well into the evening).


terpdx t1_ize8z30 wrote

Friend of mine ended up moving to Locust Point. Said to me, "It's safe because the <slur redacted> don't go there since there's only one way out." Gotta love Baltimore.


A_Big_Teletubby t1_izegkbw wrote

choice friend you got huh


terpdx t1_izfw5dy wrote

Yeah...not remotely endorsing what he said. That's just how he feels about living in Baltimore.


noirthesable t1_izedmb6 wrote

I've honestly been taking advantage of Amazon lockers where possible. For non-Amazon stuff, I've been splitting a UPS Store mailbox with some trusted friends (you can add 'authorized individuals' for UPS mailboxes).


Zoroasker t1_izbohwq wrote

Definitely be careful. I think a lot of criminals are by nature cowardly, and that certainly would seem to hold true for porch pirates - problem there is some of them when confronted might be so callous and stupid they’d just as soon shoot you as run from you.

Amazon has been good with making me whole even when it’s really a courtesy thing. Last week I had an early flight and needed an infant car seat bag urgently. Delivery was at 5:59:40 with no knock (I know as much as I want knocks some people are just as militant about them NOT knocking so it’s lose-lose for them) and my camera shows at 6:01:50 it was stolen. App hadn’t even updated yet. Fortunately I was able to get it replaced with overnight shipping but that’s exhibit A for why other than Amazon everything now goes to a PO Box.


goalie_fight t1_izbz0dn wrote

Someone was probably following the delivery van and scooping up all the boxes.


css01 t1_izbs3es wrote

I don't like that there's a cute name for people who steal packages.

They should be called THIEVES!


JustAcivilian24 t1_izbw47c wrote

Ha! Glad you’re safe! And fuck those people.


PanAmargo t1_izclqce wrote

This sub (or the current state of the city) is depressing: don’t confront a porch or they’ll kill you.


ibeecrazy t1_izbf4yq wrote

We had our first visitor in years while we were away and thankfully he didn't want Dog Meds and Baby toys. Stay safe! Afternoon grabs are next level desperation.


Deanocracy t1_izbqqon wrote

Afternoon grabs are next level desperation.

Not sure about this… they are the norm.

We dont need to try to invent a tragic backstory that motivates every example of anti-social behavior


Quelcris_Falconer13 t1_izbxuyb wrote

Yep. Afternoon grabs are more common because they know most people are out of the house for one reason or another


cptjeff t1_izbzctr wrote

> because they know most people are out of the house for one reason or another

Uh, that has not been the case for the last three or so years.


callouscomic t1_izbq3ic wrote

So anyways they could pull a gun on you or otherwise react badly and attack you. Just like the metro posts where people learn not to intervene. Your package ain't worth it.


Regular_Draft_6630 t1_izbf6p6 wrote

Wish you had caught them lol probably would’ve shit their pants


grandpa_faust t1_izbkaz1 wrote

Or gotten shot/stabbed, shit is crazy in the world today and you never know who you're dealing with. Good for OP but property is usually not worth running the risk IMO.


ammemp t1_izcqxks wrote

You’re my hero.


SooMachBeautiful t1_izdvdjl wrote

My boyfriend confronted a guy breaking into our neighbors car last week and the guy pulled out a knife on him. Thankfully he is ok. Please be careful.


innovationcynic t1_izc7zv8 wrote

Makes one almost wish for a law and order mayor and stand your ground laws in DC….


capsfanforever t1_izcoocj wrote

You would shoot someone over petty theft?


ponderingaresponse t1_izcpsth wrote

You are right, but that's also a false simplification.


capsfanforever t1_izcqlem wrote

It’s deductive reasoning to suppose that someone wishing for a law deeming it allowable to defend your home with a gun, would be itching to utilize said law. Especially in the context of their comment. I don’t see this as a simplification, but a reasonable inference

Edit: deeming, not seeming


ponderingaresponse t1_ize2mo5 wrote

You aren't wrong that the itch to have/use a gun will increase gun violence.

At the same time, there is an immutable primitive need to defend one's nest against having it invaded and/or compromised. Where to draw the line on that defense? How does one know the intent of a trespasser? What forms of defense are allowable? How to sort all this out in a few seconds of fight/flight intensity? What weapons are acceptable?


capsfanforever t1_izf2smb wrote

It’s acceptable to defend your life by any means necessary, but we’re talking about an Amazon package in this case.


UnnecessaryBiscotti t1_izep9hp wrote

To be fair, speaking as a woman, I do not own a gun and would never want to use one, but I can understand feeling unsafe and physically unmatched in one’s home when dealing with criminals. That’s even before they pull a gun on you. I think it’s clearly a bandaid solution if anything, but I don’t think all people who’d like to be able to defend themselves from harm are overly violent men trying to play Wild West. This country (and many other but particularly the US) is very scary for women. I can empathize with wanting something to equalize physical differences that could result in their death.


capsfanforever t1_izf2y68 wrote

Your point is valid, and I’m glad my mother who lives alone owns a firearm. Would I want her to pull it on a porch pirate though?? Let’s remember the context we’re operating under for this example.


UnnecessaryBiscotti t1_izf4t8s wrote

No I agree 100% that no one should be pulling a gun on porch pirates. In nearly 10/10 scenarios it is illegal, unethical, and dangerous. No one’s life is worth an Amazon package. I just meant in general that I don’t believe everyone in favor of stand your ground/castle doctrine type legislation is itching to use a firearm. There is definitely a demographic that is, but I think many people just reach for it as an equalizing solution to a problem we can’t seem to solve (murder/home invasions/etc).


capsfanforever t1_izf55br wrote

Ah, understood. Personally, I’m against stand your ground laws in general, as I fear it gives a blanket immunity to those who would otherwise be convicted justly, but your point is taken. Thanks for your input, I always appreciate discussion.


innovationcynic t1_izdypd7 wrote

That’s an assumption on your part.

I was responding to the comments people made about not chasing to get your package back because the thief might shoot YOU over a petty item.

They would be less brazen if they were worried the homeowner could defend themself.

But go on making your assumptions. Seems to serve you well in life lol


capsfanforever t1_izf273c wrote

It’s not an assumption, chasing someone and getting shot would have nothing to do with a stand your ground law. There’s a difference between assumption and supposition, the latter is evidence based.

Again, you suggest that under the threat of being shot over a theft, folks would be less likely to commit one. So my supposition seems a likely one, that you see gun violence as a solution to porch piracy.

Thanks for your time.


capsfanforever t1_izf2f3h wrote

It’s not an assumption, chasing someone and getting shot would have nothing to do with a stand your ground law. There’s a difference between assumption and supposition, the latter is evidence based.

Again, you suggest that under the threat of being shot over a theft, folks would be less likely to commit one. So my supposition seems a likely one, that you see gun violence as a solution to porch piracy.

Thanks for your time.


LeonBlacksruckus t1_izctxc1 wrote

Not worth it. It’s unfortunate but last thing you would want is to get injured or worse chasing someone that knows where you live down.

Use an Amazon locker if it’s really an issue.


Raccoon_2020 t1_izdbyx7 wrote

My dad ordered a new case for his iPhone 7 and the Amazon package was stolen (confirmed by camera, but impossible to see the face). Pretty sure that phone case will be very useful for them.


Smitty2k1 t1_ize5khs wrote

We bit the bullet and got a package drop box for our porch after having several packages stollen the first few months after moving into our new place. Well worth the $200


androbot t1_izdyd1h wrote

Thieves are the worst. They don't even have the courage to face you down and take your stuff. Nor do they give a shit about you or the impact they have on your well being or situation when they steal from you.

I grew up very poor and was raised to believe that someone who steals from another has a defect in character. It has probably distorted my perspective, because I don't have any respect, sympathy, or mercy for people who steal, their "need" notwithstanding. And I have never really understood why society treats theft so lightly.


blockerguy t1_izgl123 wrote

Good job. Confrontation is definitely not for everyone, but as a fellow confrontation-er—I once tracked down, confronted, and took back my bike from the thieves who stole it—I salute you.


DC_Sun t1_izd2ljq wrote

Be careful when taking those actions fam. I've been practicing martial art for almost 30 years and I've seen so many dudes get sued and/or arrested and worse. Learn how to let shit's not worth it. Petty criminals usually earn their fate. Rich criminals? Eh...not so much.


Relative-Kale-5291 t1_izc9oas wrote

Imagine a society (10 years ago) when that would have seemed life threatening for your child


Turbo2x t1_izep63s wrote

Nextdoor post


TMacOnTheTrack t1_izdko61 wrote

What? You could’ve gotten yourself killed for some $9.99 item that isn’t even yours???? Things can be replaced. People can’t.

Glad you’re okay. Hope your poor confused coworkers you abandoned on the zoom call weren’t too confused.

But ummm… don’t risk your life for cheap Amazon products that aren’t even yours.


paquitoGonzalez97 t1_izd2u3p wrote

> the guy

> they

Which one is it? I’m confused.