Thank you all for the kind words and the award!

TW: suicidal thoughts, depression

I looked over the dirty comforter that ran between us, barely surprised. I rarely left the bed now a days. I got up to feed Sebastian, my Dane, twice a day. Every once and a while I would get myself a glass of water too, only if I could handle it.

My depression had gotten bad after I lost my father. I was trying to stay alive, my head in a civil war between the light and the dark. The only thing that kept me pushing was Sebastian, and in my spiral, my schizophrenia went unchecked.

My therapist told me that, in addition to pills, it was in my best interest to try and ignore the voices and hallucinations, namely talking to my dog.

Sebastian talked back to me for a long time, and it was hard to realize that it wasn’t him, but me answering. I stopped talking to him with my treatment and he stopped talking back, which in the grand scheme of things this was good, but I missed my conversations with my best friend.

“Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” Seb repeated.

It was a hallucination and I knew that, but misery loves company and I didn’t care enough to control my indulgence.

“I’m not supposed to,” I replied.

“Why not?” He asked

“Because it’s not real,” I said softly, like it would make this small comfort shatter.

“Your right,” he said, surprising me. “It’s not real, it’s you talking to yourself, but why shouldn’t you talk things through with yourself? It helps sometimes, and verbal processing is not unhealthy,”

“Look at me, I haven’t showered in a week, my room is a mess, and the only time I get up is to feed you. I obviously care deeply about how healthy this conversation is.” I said sarcastically.

“You don’t want to get up at all, but you do for me. You care so much about me and you are willing to keep pushing for me. Why not yourself?”

“Because I’m not worth it, but you are.”

“Who in the hell said you weren’t worth it. No one that’s who. It’s you putting it on yourself and believing it. While you feel you are worth nothing, , I am here proving otherwise. You feel like you can’t do anything right now except care for me. You care about me. And I care about you. I don’t care that you havent showered or cleaned up or that you haven’t taken me out or exercised me. I’m still here with you and I always will be. So for me, could you try? Just take a small step. Let’s go sit in the sun in the living room. I can bask and you can taste sunlight again. We can evaluate from there,” he finished.

I started thinking of this dialogue as my dog. That was the only way I could fathom doing this: if it was for him. I couldn’t let him down.

So I stood up, in the clothes I had been wearing for days, and stalked out to the living room Seb at my heels. I sat down in the sun and closed my eyes. I heard a hearty groan and sigh from nearby, and knew that Seb had found his spot.

His heavy head fell into my lap and I began to stroke it, feeling my head begin to quiet. I enjoyed the moment without surplus thought. I just was.

Sebastian led me through small steps back to where I am now. I am not the pinnacle of health, but I am getting better. I still talk to Sebastian now, and even though he doesn’t talk back, I choose to believe that it really was him who pulled me out and helped me back into the world again.