I rolled close to the leader, Scooter Black. And spat a fat wad onto his face.

“Did you get an anonymous tip for this?”

Instantly, 60 razor & electric scooters began hurdling towards me. But I’d been genuinely unnerved, I wasn’t playing anymore.

“Simon says you don’t know how to ride a scooter, your favorite time to pee is in your bed at 3am, and the other factions of your Scooter brigade are your true enemies.”

My ability, Simon says, is just that. Anything that I say after “Simon Says” will come true. It’s essentially brainwashing. In one sentence I effectively took away their power, humiliated them for the rest of their lives, and started an inter-squad gang war all at once.

I’m not a bad guy, but I found this to be punishment enough. I almost forgot one more thing.

“OH, and you all will forget my ability! I don’t want to be on any higher ranked hero’s radars for this.”

The heroes comically tripped over their scooters all the way back to their base to figure out how to go to war with the other scooter brigades.

My work there was done.

** 2 days later.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Now free from my wheelchair, I hopped up from my couch and went to my front door to open it, must’ve been a package from Amazonian.

“Hey hello thank you for my package, do I have to sign anyth… S-S ranked hero Scooter god? How did you know where I live?”

“You forgot to say Simon says.”

“Prepare for trouble” “Make it double” “To protect the world from persistent pain” “To unite all peoples within our gang.” “To denounce the evils of villainy and strife” “To scoot the villains out of ruining life” “Scooter Red” “Scooter Blue” “Scooter Heroes ride off into the night.” “Surrender now or prepare to fight!”

“Scooter Green!”

SILENCE

I paused for a moment before I spoke, making sure the heroes’ introduction was done. I suppressed a laugh.

“I’m sorry. am I supposed to laugh, clap, or snap team rocket?”

I just decided to do all three in quick succession while the group of heroes stood looking at me with clear determination in their eyes.

Upon finishing my act, “Well if you don’t have anything else to say or do, I will take my hard earned money and leave.” I said, picking back up my duffel bags and heading to walk by the heroes straight out the front doors of the bank.

“Excuuuse me”, I commented, walking by the gang of scooter heroes, I only got so far, however.

“Stop right there!” Barked Scooter Red, She spun her razor blade scooter at violent speeds, speeds that would make any other scooter user wince in pain even at the sight of it. “Do you think we were just going to let you go? You just robbed the city bank!”

“I didn’t think at all about if you would let me go or not, I don’t care what you do.” I responded cordially, continuing to walk.

“Who do you think you are!?” Scooter Blue stopped me, putting his hand on my chest while positioning his scooter to launch at my shin & ankles at a moment’s notice. I was trapped.

“I’m glad you ask actually. Noone else in your brigade does that! Well, my name is Raúl, and as you can see, I am currently robbing a bank.
I live in the east suburban district of Santiago, and I am 31 years old. In order to make a living I commit egregious crimes, gamble, and panhandle. Two of which I’m better at than the other. On a normal day I’ll wake up at 6am beg on the streets of Santiago, and return home no later than 8pm each night. Upon my return home I grab my trench coat and small weapons to threaten and steal from other panhandlers out on the street, musicians included. With which money I’ll hit the Santiago casino and often quintuple my earnings for that day, perhaps I’m lucky. Oh, and I also own a 5 star restaurant downtown if you’d like to try it sometime. It’s called Go Lucky.” Perhaps I flipped a switch in their scooter brains, but whatever it was they instantly began to beat me senseless with their scooters.

I woke up the next day in my infirmary beneath my mansion. My ankles and shins completely bruised and In constant pain from the scooter brigade’s assault.

“Well well, if it isn’t another failed attempt at a new hobby.” Alvin, my midget butler said, rewrapping the bandages on my severely swollen ankles.

“It isn’t anything new Ivan my friend. Crime is an art, all forms of crime, including bank robbery constitute that art. I’ve been committing crimes for years. Thankfully I have you and my comrades to rely on to get me out of sticky situations like yesterday. Thank you.” I smiled at Alvin, expressing my appreciation for him somehow saving me from arrest.

“My name is Alvin, sir. You’ve known me for 12 years. Please try to remember.”

“Oh, yes. Sorry-OW!” He slapped the last wrapping of bandage on with extra vigor. “I deserved that, but one more thing Alvin, please turn on the news for me? I want to see if I made any waves with my latest crime”

The headline for channel 1 news was not to be expected, however.

SCOOTER BRIGADE RAIDS GO LUCKY. MULTIPLE CASUALTIES

I sprung out of bed onto my busted ankles and found my wheelchair. I’d been a frequent victim of the brigade’s violence during each of my crimes, so I always have one on standby.

“ALLLVINNNNNNNNNN”

Alvin rolled back into the room.
“Yes sir?”

“Please push me to the car, we must make it to my restaurant at once” “Yes sir.”

The restaurant was in shambles. The scooter brigade, a C-List hero company only due to its large number of E-list heroes, at 6,900 worldwide, had raided my restaurant. The windows were broken, walls and tables were dented, scratched, and chairs destroyed by scooters varying in size & strength.

The ambulances were loading 3 of my beautiful waitresses which I’d known for years. They were conscious but their ankles were clearly in shambles from the scooter brigade, and needed to be carted onto the ambulance. “Sally, Sammy, Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff!!! Are you three okay?”

“My name is not Sally, sir.” Quickly exclaimed Ally “I’m Amy. Not Sammy.” Spat Amy, in clear pain & frustration.

“Yes I’m doing fine, they just hit my ankles, sir!” Responded Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff.

“Good, now where have they gone?”

“That way”

They each pointed to a group of 60 men and women varying from age 16 to late forties. The full brunt of the scooter brigade in Santiago. I approached them, wheeling myself over with a passion.

“You DARE hurt my people?” I roared at the mass. A leader emerged from the pack.

“Yeah, we knew we’d find you if we showed up here. Seems we’re better at your job than you are. You’ve never even been capable of successfully stealing anything, we always catch you before you do. Thanks to anonymous tips. Poor thing, maybe you should take some notes”. He and the others snickered amongst themselves.

What he said rang true. 7 years of attempting large and small scale crimes and I’ve never successfully completed a single one.

But what they didn’t know is that the anonymous tip has always been me.

I’ve only wanted to play a fun game, commit crime without consequence on either end, with no real punishment or gain, just for pleasure’s sake. In doing so I allowed myself to get caught and beat, each an every time, relying on my comrades to help me escape at the last moment while leaving whatever I stole behind.