No need for the edit, you're exactly right. I accept appropriate blame for my abuse, because I ignored the red flags and compromised my values/boundaries all too quickly.

You're probably right about me not knowing where the line is. I was single for years before getting with my wife. I think if we go to couple's counseling, it will make her more reliable in going. And I think she'll make the effort while we're there.

No shared custody thank God, he only has visitation. She still wants him involved though, because her dad wasn't and she remembers how that made her feel. I was all for it before the kids came home reciting that I was "dead" and that he was going to "beat my butt."

What you've said makes sense. Clearly I am going to need to make some sort of adjustment here, because the marriage is worth saving. I like your suggestion. I'm in counseling, as is she, but a marriage counselor/family counselor seems to be a must here. Thanks for this.

I backed off on her ex attending events with the kids, and I've relaxed a lot in how I handle the kids. I've got a tendency to have very high expectations and have had to take a step back and realize that it takes time to establish habits and routines, that sometimes they will slide back into old habits, and that they're just kids.

I have only recently learned about setting boundaries so I'm still learning, but I do feel like I've overstretched my own boundaries. She's not healed from her past relationship, and from my own therapy + issues with my own ex, neither am I. She is also in therapy but it's only lately where she's made any sort of breakthrough, and she still has a tendency to cancel/move appointments because something "more important" comes up (usually work).

The children's behavior isn't actually that bad, but they will get disrespectful at times. When she's level-headed, she backs me up. But if something is off, it feels like they're allowed to treat me, the house, or each other like they want to.

The first time, I told her because I had obtained different opinions and came to her with them. She assumed that I was trying to get consensus on my side, but I didn't. I'm an open book, almost always have been. I was an open book with her when we were friends before all that. This is the first time the issue ever came up between us.

The issue is that she's worried I'm talking bad about her. It stems from trauma from her ex

Help me understand. Spell it out to me why it's such an issue. I'm clearly missing something.

The most clear example is the issue with coaching and the ex husband. I came to him asking him what he thought. "This is the situation. This is how I feel. This is how she feels. Am I wrong here?" My dad validated how I felt but gave me some compromise ideas that I presented to her, which have worked out so far. Our mutual friend suggested that I try to be more understanding of her perspective, and that I would need to give up my pride on the matter. My peers understood how I felt but didn't know how they would deal with the situation, as we couldn't just ask him to leave if he wasn't making a scene.

Talking to her is usually very easy and most of the time, we can come to some sort of consensus to move forward. But there are times when we just can't agree on something, and it becomes difficult to negotiate when neither will budge. When it starts to boil to one of us saying "This is how I feel" and the other one responds with "well you made me feel that way too," it's my sign to look for alternative perspectives.