So there are two ways to handle this, both however require you to stick to your budget and stop agreeing to activities without knowing all costs upfront.

1. You sit down with him and go over your income and how this spending is impacting you and if he still doesn't get it you leave

2)Skip step 1 and you leave the guy who clearly has next to no compassion for your situation, he calls you cheap and doesn't question anything? not a single can you afford this? or are you doing alright with money maybe I can cover more dinner or we can go to places we can both afford comfortably or hey here is this free thing to do.

Hey self worth is hard to cultivate and easy to forget about. You can work on that single and/or with a guy who doesn't see you as a project he's working on in his spare time.

I would bring that up with your therapist and your wife. Willingness to work on it from both parties is good and healthy but also knowing your limit and sticking to that doesn't make you a bad person or a failure.

Ultimately you know how much you're willing to tolerate. Saying that this sounds like the classic "When its good its great and when its bad its terrible". That only lasts for so long and honestly to me in my opinion neither of you seem to be in a place to have healthy relationships. Overstretching and then breaking your boundaries is what lead to you being in the place you were in your prior relationship in the first place. Also there are definitely things to talk about with friends and loved ones and I'm not sure you know where that line is. I wouldn't be comfortable knowing my partner was airing all our fights out to other people. Will couples therapy make her more reliable in going? If she isn't actually willing to get help say another 6 months of half hearted therapy attempts or moves a set number of appointments then you might need to move on.

Edit: to be clear im not blaming you for the abuse you went through.

What specifically have you compromised on? Secondly therapy for you because you need to build the trust you have in your own perspective and decisions. If you have compromised so much is that healthy for you? Are you over stretching your boundaries and comfort for a seemingly healthy relationship? Is she fully healed from her past relationship? Also I'm extremely worried about her not addressing the children's behavior. If that escalates then you're in actual danger and you would need to leave her regardless of your feelings for her.

He might change but probably not in a timeframe that will make your relationship work. Also its a not trusting you thing. Putting his emotions on you like this is unhealthy and I had an ex do this to me (not jealously just saying he was a bad person when I broke up with him to manipulate me).

Leaving someone who makes you feel like shit all the time is always a good move. He is trying to isolate you. He's beating down your confidence to have control over you. If you could trade places with anyone in the world who would you feel comfortable subjecting to your situation? If you flinched and went no one leave immediately.

Sometimes its necessary. Use that thought to forge ahead with what you need to do. I'm happy to see it got through to you.

He told you he's going to put you into debt to fund his family and your first instinct is not to divorce him? You had kids therefore they come before your feelings and right now your husband is sabotaging their future. Also the dynamic between you is what your children will model in their future relationships. Either letting their partner walk all over them or walking all over their partner and being someone you are ashamed of.