What you’re describing is another sort of reconciliation/balancing.

Also, I’ll refer to these links in support of what I said above…..

Cambridge Dictionary

IFP

Yes, he’s probably lying to you.

You’re not making it ‘safe’ to tell you the truth because when he does, you’ll be angry.

This is a boundary you’ve set, he knows and agreed to the boundary.

What will you do if you’re 100% sure he’s been looking at porn?

Balancing the books is a basic part of maintaining finances…for a business or personal. The “books” are where transactions are recorded. Balancing the books is comparing what you think your account balance is with what another resource (like a bank or even a vendor) says your balance is.

People used to always have a physical checkbook for paying bills. You’d keep track of your payments and deposits in the checkbook. Once a month, you’d get a statement from your bank. The statement would list all of the transactions the bank processed for a specific period of time. You’d mark the transactions as ‘cleared’ if the bank has the same information you have.

For example….check number 347 was written to CVS for $22.53 on March 1. When you get your statement, you see thst the bank has paid that check to CVS, it has cleared your account.

On March 27, you wrote a check to your niece for $75 for her bday. She hasn’t cashed the check yet. Therefore, the balance the bank is showing is $75 more than the balance you’re showing for the account.

Knowing which transactions are outstanding (the check to your niece) help you have a better understanding of your balance…and keeps you from becoming overdrawn.

Most all of this is done electronically these days.

Ew.

You’ve not known him long and he’s already snooping through your stuff. And now you’re asking how you can fix it.

This is a problem he created. At this stage of your relationship, of course there are things you don’t know about each other. Of course you have some things that are private.

I don’t think it matters (as some people are saying) why you kept those things. You kept them. They don’t involve him. He snooped to get your password, amd then he snooped to find the videos.

His image of you may have changed…..but again….that’s his own fault.

If you want to maintain the relationship, I think you need to explore both sides of this with him:

1. you snooped

2. I have old videos

Be prepared for him to ask that those be deleted. Change your password immediately. And if you use that same PW for other things, change those, too.

It makes me reallllly uncomfortable that someone so new in a relationship is snooping like he is.

I wouldn’t do it Xmas Eve, but right now is a fine time. No gifts have been exchanged.

I always feel like it shouldn’t be a surprise (just like being fired for performance at work shouldn’t be). By now, you’ve probably had lots of discussions about why you’re unhappy.

It’s a fine time.

You’re in therapy. Together? What does the therapist say?

That whole tit for tat thing just doesn’t work in relationships. You’ve been together for a year and you’ve each cheated. What will keep each of you from doing that again the next time you’re feeling hurt, lonely, betrayed.

My advice for longevity……always turn toward each other. Even when it sucks to do so. Always turn toward each other.

Yes, people lie.

Some men become angry when rejected. We are taught at a young age to let people down gently….not to save you, but to save ourselves.

I worry about your safety and that of your children.

This must not be the only way he is abusive.

Ignore the messages. Try not to even read them.

Well, now what will you do?

Look at you….blaming the victim.