Thank you so much for a well written response that isn't just "dump her". However, reading your comment scared the heck outa me. Haha So, i'll answer individually in numerical order.
She's an extremely jealous person. Any friendly interaction with the opposite sex is frowned upon and will likely make her feel insecure.
Now, here's the thing. She's 100% always been this way. Easy to jealousy. However, it has gotten worse. That's on me. I went out a couple times for a rub n tug to catch myself some peace and relaxation after some of our bigger fights. I fucked up and broke trust there. So, i know i suck. I'd never cheated before and I felt terrible eventually coming clean and reassuring her that I love her and want to be better in that way for her. So, I've done some damage myself.
That in mind, she does have me on a tracking app now. We both are. Honestly, I think she's been a champ trying to get over that. We don't really hang with my friends much cause they all live at least an hour and a half away. She sees her friends a lot though. But she has been clear from the start how she feels about me talking to other women. I made it clear to her that I wasn't trying to build a life with anyone else yada yada. Basically, she sees even masturbation as cheating. So, it's been hard fighting that battle but honestly, i'm better off without the manual release. Either way, she gets jealous quick. Constantly asking "do you promise you love me?" "You promise you dont hate me?" Type stuff which has been going on from the start.
The abandonment issues come in when I would prefer to do my hobbies and she has none. I am her hobby, so-to-speak. If she isn't doing something with me, she watches tv and goes to sleep. We've picked her up hobby things for her to do per her request after talking about how important space and hobbies are to a healthy relationship. Her friend even lent her a book on how to deal with anger and trauma as she is quite emotionally immature and recognizes that. She still hasn't touched it for about a month now. So, when I want to do things that don't involve her, she gets mad and throws a tantrum about how i never hang out with her when 99% of my time off work is spent with her.
So the answer to this one is yes.
Yes. She does this. I've seen her cut ties with 3 different people and rekindle the relationship because she either feels like she can't be associated with a bad person or because they've called her on her shit and she just...can't look at it from their perspectives. All within a year. She doesn't often bring up good or bad when referencing people though. However, she absolutely plays the victim whenever she can, even when it comes to people being rude to us in public. Sometimes they aren't even rude and she'll start talkin shit to me about em like "that was fucked up right?" Uh...which part? Why was that rude? She judges pretty hard sometimes i guess.
In fights, she'll often refer to other things from past fights. Here's where it gets fuzzy. She genuinely apologizes and says she wants to be better after every single fight but then brings those fights back up as examples of why she was right then and why she's right now. I hate it because it gets us off in the weeds and shows she has no respect for the topic of discussion or my feelings. She just wants to fight. She also tends to walk around telling me to drop it and then keeps bitching about it super audibly for me to hear. I can be totally silent for 5 straight minutes and she'd still be wondering why I won't drop it. Lol like wut...
She absolutely does the "you always" "you never" statements which are usually wildly off base. She tells me "why dont you love me anymore" "why do you hate me" and will even tell ME (as if convincing herself) that i got upset over something ridiculous and tell me what made ME mad when i've already told her several times what upset me and she still refuses to think otherwise. Like, last night even. She thought i was upset with her cause of some semantic issue with wording a phrase. I was upset because after i literally in the nicest tone possible said, "baby, i just want to communicate with you about what just happened" following a little...pre-fight? We took about 15ish minutes to calm down and when i said that she immediately started yelling, getting defensive, making it sound ridiculous that i'd even be upset over semantics. Had nothing to do with it. I was trying to converse and she kept telling me to shut up and that i need to stop starting fights. All over trying to communicate like professionals tell us to.
Her tantrums are almost excusively reserved for me, her sister, and her friends. Mostly me. She runs to her friends when we fight. Only them n god knows what vile shit gettin said about me in that circle. But yea, primarily me but i've seen her snap at her friends and sister too.
Yes x10000000. This is a daily experience for me. I literally have no idea when she'll snap. No idea. Her and I have a great time cuttin up and laughin about stuff but i could say something one day and the same exact thing a week later and get totally different responses. She even says she knows she's super sensitive and that i need to accept that about her even though she wants to try and be stronger. But...to me, it's not that she's being sensitive, it's that she's picking up on a vibe that isn't there and almost always follows it with "not what you say but how you say it" which is dumb because i've tested that with her. I can say something in an intentionally sugary tone when i think a fight is going to break out and it does not work. Nice never works with her but neither does being mean.
Now, all this aside, I do feel the need to bring up some positives about her as it would only be fair.
She's a mad decent partner when it comes to caring for our home. She helps in a lot of ways. Burden is usually atill mostly on me but that's a work schedule thing not with her and I not pulling our weight. She helps take care of our 5 ferrets really well. Great ferret mommy. We like a lot of the same stuff and that makes life easier in a lot of ways, like decorating the home or what to watch on tv or what music to put on. She even pushes me kindly in many ways to get shit handled and she encourages me constantly. She constantly telling me she loves me.
So, the question in my mind is, with all of this, is the good outweighing the bad? I have no clear answer to that. Feels like 50-50. But even if it's half bad and half good, i feel like that's not what a healthy relationship is. But then again, maybe we just need to work harder to be better? I really have no idea what to do. Like i said, being nice doesn't work. Being mean doesn't work. And now, as of today, asking for 20 minutes of space after she decides to call me angrily (all i did was forget to call her after a job but i'm working all day and responding here.) Saying that i'm "mean" and "hate her" because (in her mind) she asked what i was doing but and thinks i got set off by that when it was essentially her frustratedly interrogating me and trying to push me verbally. she wouldn't listen again. Still thinks I got upset because she asked where i was. Nope. Ibtold her 3 times where i was and apologized for forgetting to call. But she gets on the horn angry and ready to pick apart anything I say and I'm the bad guy for asking for 20minutes space so that we can call back and speak to each other lovingly (literally said this) Like...am I fucked up for asking for that space? Doubt it.
Lol genuinely trying to build something with her. I know all too well what it's like to be homeless, to be broke, to be a trauma victim...I deserved grace and patience from my loved ones. I'm doing far better now. I was hoping that she might see the same kind of growth with some love and patience. I'm officially out of patience. It's not even like she has hurt me intentionally. But it is at the same time? I dunno. The bite scar on my arm is from when she came home drunk one night. We went to an annual memorial thing for a friend of hers thay passed away some time ago. I didn't drink much. She planned to get drunk. She knew I didn't like that but she's an adult i guess. I left early and told her i had work very early. So, i'd likely be in bed waiting on her. 2 hours later she shows up toasted with 2 other drunk friends. Starts blasting disney music for me and all our neighbors to hear from the back porch. I got frustrated. I handled this shit way wrong. I got her to have her friends leave. It was apparent i was mad but i hadnt been rude to her guests. I went to bed irrotated and she slunk off to another bedroom that was mostly unoccupied. Just a tv and tv stand with a few boxes in the closet. Once again, she's now intentionally blasting the tv and the remote is by the tv. She's by the back wall. I went in there, yelled "i trying to fucking sleep!!" And threw the tv remote (nowhere near her might i add) pretty aggressively to the side. Went back ti my room, shut and locked the door.
Now she's banging and screaming to let her in. I said no because i wanted to sleep in peace and to talk about it later when she isn't drunk. She didn't like that. Broke down the door (cpst me $200 she never paid me) and charged at me. I defended myself, got bit. Cops get called and ahe actually went to jail for the weekend. I dropped the charges despite the attorney telling me these things rarely work out and often only get worse.
As of the week before xmas, i have a scar ony forehead and a broken finger. But she's always so sorry and hates herself for those outbursts.
Craig_The_Worst OP t1_j2f9o0p wrote
Reply to comment by Up-Town in [32M][30F] My gf of a 1 1/2 years yells at me and shuts me down when I try to communicate by Craig_The_Worst
Thank you so much for a well written response that isn't just "dump her". However, reading your comment scared the heck outa me. Haha So, i'll answer individually in numerical order.
Now, here's the thing. She's 100% always been this way. Easy to jealousy. However, it has gotten worse. That's on me. I went out a couple times for a rub n tug to catch myself some peace and relaxation after some of our bigger fights. I fucked up and broke trust there. So, i know i suck. I'd never cheated before and I felt terrible eventually coming clean and reassuring her that I love her and want to be better in that way for her. So, I've done some damage myself.
That in mind, she does have me on a tracking app now. We both are. Honestly, I think she's been a champ trying to get over that. We don't really hang with my friends much cause they all live at least an hour and a half away. She sees her friends a lot though. But she has been clear from the start how she feels about me talking to other women. I made it clear to her that I wasn't trying to build a life with anyone else yada yada. Basically, she sees even masturbation as cheating. So, it's been hard fighting that battle but honestly, i'm better off without the manual release. Either way, she gets jealous quick. Constantly asking "do you promise you love me?" "You promise you dont hate me?" Type stuff which has been going on from the start.
The abandonment issues come in when I would prefer to do my hobbies and she has none. I am her hobby, so-to-speak. If she isn't doing something with me, she watches tv and goes to sleep. We've picked her up hobby things for her to do per her request after talking about how important space and hobbies are to a healthy relationship. Her friend even lent her a book on how to deal with anger and trauma as she is quite emotionally immature and recognizes that. She still hasn't touched it for about a month now. So, when I want to do things that don't involve her, she gets mad and throws a tantrum about how i never hang out with her when 99% of my time off work is spent with her.
So the answer to this one is yes.
In fights, she'll often refer to other things from past fights. Here's where it gets fuzzy. She genuinely apologizes and says she wants to be better after every single fight but then brings those fights back up as examples of why she was right then and why she's right now. I hate it because it gets us off in the weeds and shows she has no respect for the topic of discussion or my feelings. She just wants to fight. She also tends to walk around telling me to drop it and then keeps bitching about it super audibly for me to hear. I can be totally silent for 5 straight minutes and she'd still be wondering why I won't drop it. Lol like wut...
She absolutely does the "you always" "you never" statements which are usually wildly off base. She tells me "why dont you love me anymore" "why do you hate me" and will even tell ME (as if convincing herself) that i got upset over something ridiculous and tell me what made ME mad when i've already told her several times what upset me and she still refuses to think otherwise. Like, last night even. She thought i was upset with her cause of some semantic issue with wording a phrase. I was upset because after i literally in the nicest tone possible said, "baby, i just want to communicate with you about what just happened" following a little...pre-fight? We took about 15ish minutes to calm down and when i said that she immediately started yelling, getting defensive, making it sound ridiculous that i'd even be upset over semantics. Had nothing to do with it. I was trying to converse and she kept telling me to shut up and that i need to stop starting fights. All over trying to communicate like professionals tell us to.
Her tantrums are almost excusively reserved for me, her sister, and her friends. Mostly me. She runs to her friends when we fight. Only them n god knows what vile shit gettin said about me in that circle. But yea, primarily me but i've seen her snap at her friends and sister too.
Yes x10000000. This is a daily experience for me. I literally have no idea when she'll snap. No idea. Her and I have a great time cuttin up and laughin about stuff but i could say something one day and the same exact thing a week later and get totally different responses. She even says she knows she's super sensitive and that i need to accept that about her even though she wants to try and be stronger. But...to me, it's not that she's being sensitive, it's that she's picking up on a vibe that isn't there and almost always follows it with "not what you say but how you say it" which is dumb because i've tested that with her. I can say something in an intentionally sugary tone when i think a fight is going to break out and it does not work. Nice never works with her but neither does being mean.
Now, all this aside, I do feel the need to bring up some positives about her as it would only be fair.
She's a mad decent partner when it comes to caring for our home. She helps in a lot of ways. Burden is usually atill mostly on me but that's a work schedule thing not with her and I not pulling our weight. She helps take care of our 5 ferrets really well. Great ferret mommy. We like a lot of the same stuff and that makes life easier in a lot of ways, like decorating the home or what to watch on tv or what music to put on. She even pushes me kindly in many ways to get shit handled and she encourages me constantly. She constantly telling me she loves me.
So, the question in my mind is, with all of this, is the good outweighing the bad? I have no clear answer to that. Feels like 50-50. But even if it's half bad and half good, i feel like that's not what a healthy relationship is. But then again, maybe we just need to work harder to be better? I really have no idea what to do. Like i said, being nice doesn't work. Being mean doesn't work. And now, as of today, asking for 20 minutes of space after she decides to call me angrily (all i did was forget to call her after a job but i'm working all day and responding here.) Saying that i'm "mean" and "hate her" because (in her mind) she asked what i was doing but and thinks i got set off by that when it was essentially her frustratedly interrogating me and trying to push me verbally. she wouldn't listen again. Still thinks I got upset because she asked where i was. Nope. Ibtold her 3 times where i was and apologized for forgetting to call. But she gets on the horn angry and ready to pick apart anything I say and I'm the bad guy for asking for 20minutes space so that we can call back and speak to each other lovingly (literally said this) Like...am I fucked up for asking for that space? Doubt it.