CrisiwSandwich t1_j1zlvq2 wrote

If you think about it, a lot of birds "dance", make noise, and usually puff up and look big while courting. While there is definitely a difference in mating behavior and aggressive behavior it has it has a good deal of overlap. A lot of birds will fan out their feathers to look big in defense as well, they often get loud and may flap around. It's easy for people to look at dance in humans as unique. But really we have a similar thing going on to birds. We have sexy dance like salsa. But we also have intimidating dance like what the Haka like New Zealand rugby team does. Or how foot soldiers would bash sheilds in unison going into battle. We loved battle drums. It makes sense that music and dance could be connected to intimidation because healthy humans are likely the best more coordinated dancers while less able (sick,old, disabled, very young) are less coordinated people and less able to have large ranges of controled movment. Dance says "I'm healthy and socially confident enough to move around like this infront of others"


CrisiwSandwich t1_j1f8ctj wrote

My aunt is a really generous narcissist. She's done really terrible things like lying about people, causing huge scenes, stealing, starts fights, abandoned her kid for days to get high. She has a habit of always wanting to monopolize everyone's time so she can cry or get rides. She's the kind of person that will show up at your house 5-6days a week uninvited sometimes multiple times a day for hours at at time. She'll say things like as a host you should entertain her her or bring her water. Often times she needs something big done for her at the end of it like a ride or pet sitting or some favor. If you try to limit how often she comes over or explain that you have a life too she will cry or call you selfish. She also feels entitled to full forgiveness basically as soon as she says sorry. Like she let her kid at a friends house with no explanation of where she went after for a week so she could do crack and after 2 weeks sober was enraged that people held her past behaviors against her since she had taken all the effort to change (court ordered).

On the flip side she will send unsolicited gifts that are over the top as a way to guilt you into feeling bad. She throws huge parties that cost too much and tends to incorporate giveaways into most things. She will gift people hundreds of dollars. She buys stuff constantly just to give to people even though she has too many credit cards and isn't anywhere near wealthy.

I have been trying to cut contact with her because of drama she created by taking control of all of my grandparents finances and power of attorney before they died. She basically blocked my mom out and then acted like everyone refused to help her to the distant relatives for extra sympathy and attention and accused me of trying to get power of attorney (this was while she was in the process of getting it herself) because I had the audacity to visit my grandmother in hospice. Tons of lies and just utter disregard for everyone including my grandparents. Prior to all of that I didn't want to deal with her because she is a fall-down-puking-drunk and hasn't had a license in probably 10 years. But it was just the final straw. She keeps sending texts about loving me and keeps giving my mom gifts for holidays and then tries to make me feel like I've wronged her by not coming around because she cares so much about me. I feel like she's just like the kind of person that is the creepy abusive ex that keeps sending flowers and wanting to get back together after months or years.


CrisiwSandwich t1_iwvmtq4 wrote

I think the way to not be patronizing is to be more specific. When a partner repeatedly says "I'm lucky to have you" or "you're so amazing." It can feel hollow especially if it is repated word for word often. It's like how my SO tells me I'm beautiful every day. He thinks it's nice because I can have low self esteem so he wants me to know that he thinks I'm beautiful. Me having grown up in trauma questions if he likes anything else besides looks because he says it so much.

I like being told when I am appreciated about specific things I DO. "Thanks for making our home look nice" or "I'm proud that you are willing to learn how to fix your own vehicle, that's awesome" or "You worked hard today, would you like me to run you a hot bath."

Being able to feel appreciated is hard for me because in my head people will hate me by default. My mom wasn't the kindest lady and my brother is close to sociopathic. I often wonder if compliments mean the opposite when they are vague like a coworker saying that I work hard. But when you point out a specific thing I did I tend to eat that up. I don't know if others will agree but when it is more about the things I do or my mind being appreciated I am generally more receptive. If I am loved, awesome, pretty or whatever vague good thing my brain cannot see it as actually being valued. It could be pitty, it could be a lie, the person could not fully understand the context of who I am. I don't know why, but it's just how I question things.