I was the only non-Korean on a tour bus once. We were taking it through the he countryside to a shrine. As soon as the big group got on, all the curtains were closed the bus was completely dark, and I could not see outside.

One of the sauces is chimichurri for health

How do you think he’s immortal? He takes a small portion from every child that sits on his lap. He absorbs their life force at every mall across America, getting stronger every year.

Know'er? Barely....huh

Wow I have so much money!

(Checks pants)

More money!

Nah look closer, the mouse is on the left hand side. Someone’s Very relaxed.

How dare you disrespect the n64 controller.

When I was growing up I’m Chernobyl it was the only controller that fit all my hands.

At my last office we wore scrubs and changed into them when we got there. Some people weren’t great about knocking before entering the curtained off changing area, one woman in particular. They had some close calls and, frankly, if it had been a dude walking in on women it would have been handled more severely. But nobody ever saw anything. Until

My coworker brought a sausage thing with him once and waited in there. Thing was like 8 inches long. Sure enough, woman coworker threw open the curtain without checking and he turned around real quick while holding the big sausage thing.

“Jesus Nicole will you KNOCK?!?!”

Anyway, his whole ploy worked because she did start knocking more. And, eventually, one of my other coworkers told me in confidence “did you know Nicole walked in on Matt? Apparently, you wouldn’t think it, but he is Hung.”

Get out!

And use the back door

Yeah but they stopped returning my calls.

I’m starting to think they really don’t care about my neighbor’s suspiciously clean gardening tools.

He already showed them how to stop it though

FBI agent: (spinning in chair)

“…hey Johnson, I’ve got an idea, you want to meet Bruce Willis?”

Is he also the dude that parks his Bentley in handicap spots and just pays the fines, laughing at people who call him out on it and gets his entourage to make you go away?

Fun fact: Van der Waals interactions are what keep geckos stuck to stuff. It’s similar to covalent and ionic bonds. It’s how geckos can climb waals.

Follow up fun fact. In college, I asked 3 physics professors what an example of this interaction was, they all independently said Geckos. Not one could name another example.

Would that be a good place to travel to for someone with no connections there?

Then start drinking KY jelly as a favor to the MD at the emergency room.

Even if we somehow cut emissions across the board Today, the train is moving. We'll continue to see negative climate effects worsen for the next few decades, before they get better. That, of course, is if we had everything fixed today.

Well she didn’t only make the claim. The sentence should be “a woman may see a jail cell one day after defrauding many people with claims that were proven to be knowingly false.”

Oh my good lord this is how my boss operates.

Every time there's a tiny problem she introduces a whole new system to prevent it. We have to walk over to the other building about twice a day. Last week my coworker and I both walked over at the same time so nobody answered the door when this dude knocked. Whoopsie. Now, any level-headed person would know without prompt that we should simply peak around the corner and say "hey I'm walking over." Problem solved, now we won't go at the same time.

Nope, now we have a binder. And every time we walk over we have to initial the date and time we're walking over and when we return. Now we can see if the other person is already over there. But if you stand where the binder is hanging you can easily see if the other person is there or not. So now we have this whole new binder system thing, which is one of a bajillian binder system things she's implemented. I swear to god I could leave by 9:45am with all my work done if I didn't have to fill out all these redundant binder forms.

By the way, that guy who knocked when no one was there? I saw him from the other building and just walked over and said hello. So the system solves a problem that doesn't exist. Oh, and the dude was at the wrong address.

New Zealand checking in

As a man who wears a kilt, a woman asked me if anything was worn underneath.

No, I told her, not worn at all. In fact, it’s in excellent condition.

R. Atkinson

I’m surprised you can poop while consciously breathing AND blinking

The battery was there to ensure the wind turbine still would spin if power was lost.

This had to be set up, nobody can be that daft. God I hope.

Hey…do you feel this?