The glass shattered as the figure stumbled through the window
"I'm here to kill you!" Announced the assassin, an elf girl, Edric couldn't tell her age. Elves were tricky, you see, barely aging through their long life.
"Can you wait until after I've finished my meal?" Edric said, looking down at his ham sandwich, "I've been starving all day."
"I-" the elf faltered, looking back at the man with a bemused expression, "Did you not hear me right, I am here to kill you, I am an assassin!"
"Well there's no need to do it now, unless you're on a tight schedule. I hear the best assassins have multiple hits a day." he then gestured to the kitchen. "Tea?" he asked.
"Are you insane you old man?" she asked.
"Well, I certainly hope not." Edric replied, "I'm only..." he thoughtfully gazed up at the ceiling, performing mental maths, "Twenty eight." he finally said, looking back over to the elf, who was now glaring back at him.
"Why, in the name of the forebearers, did you need to work out your own age?"
"I'm not the best with dates." Edric said, "But if I'm an old man to you, then you must be a very young assassin. How'd you get in the business?"
"Enough!" she exclaimed, brandishing a silver handled dagger, "I have been hired to murder you, can you please just come over here and let me stab you or something?"
"Who hired you?" Asked the man. "I bet it was Gerald, old man keeps thinking 'm spying on him. I'm just admiring my damn lawn, the one I own and keep."
She sighed. "Tedricas Vrone."
"Oh, oh." Edric said, it all clicking into place like some gigantic clockwork...clock. Edric was not a poetic man by any measure. "You're the assassin I hired to kill me."
"What." The look on the girl's face was priceless: confusion, worry, maybe even a little pity.
"I heard there was a new hired killer in this city, I wanted to test their mettle, see what they had in them. You did poorly."
"I did not-"
"You threw a brick into my window, crawled through, and then announced that you were here to kill me, loudly. At any point here I could've killed you." Edric shook his head. "How in the name of the Blessed did someone so loud and utterly unimaginative become a person who kills people for money."
"I-"
"Le me guess," Edric cut her off, "Orphan." he suggested.
She nodded.
"Shame how many there are of you these days. Oh well, good thing you have me to guide you in all this."
"What the hell are you talking about?" she just seemed confused and bewildered at that point; Edric didn't blame her, he had as well when he was her age.
"Now, I am offering the opportunity of a lifetime: I will teach you everything I know about the fine art of killing a man for gold. If you check the contract I sent you, it clearly states that the due date for the killing is in seven years. In that time, I will turn you into the best killer there ever was."
"And then...?"
"And then," Edric stood up from his table, sliding the chair back as he took the plate with him into the kitchen, the elf following close behind, "And then I will put you through the most dangerous day of your life. If you do what you did back there, I wont hesitate to shove that dagger through your own heart. But if you push yourself to the limits, and then even a little further..." he grinned, "Then I will be dead, and you will have fulfilled your first contract."
He then stretched out his hand, covered in tiny scars. "What do you say?"
The elf eyes him suspiciously for a moment, before hesitantly taking it. she then shoved the dagger into his side.
He keeled over, blood leaking from the wound like water from a tap. She turned, walking away.
It was then she saw Edric, completely fine and now sitting back at the table, with yet another sandwich. "Nice try." was all he said, before going back to eating his meal.
DrummerLong1681 t1_j19k2jm wrote
Reply to [WP] we all know about the story of an elf who wanted to be a dentist but no one ever talks about the story of an elf who wanted to be an assassin by TheJacoob
The glass shattered as the figure stumbled through the window
"I'm here to kill you!" Announced the assassin, an elf girl, Edric couldn't tell her age. Elves were tricky, you see, barely aging through their long life.
"Can you wait until after I've finished my meal?" Edric said, looking down at his ham sandwich, "I've been starving all day."
"I-" the elf faltered, looking back at the man with a bemused expression, "Did you not hear me right, I am here to kill you, I am an assassin!"
"Well there's no need to do it now, unless you're on a tight schedule. I hear the best assassins have multiple hits a day." he then gestured to the kitchen. "Tea?" he asked.
"Are you insane you old man?" she asked.
"Well, I certainly hope not." Edric replied, "I'm only..." he thoughtfully gazed up at the ceiling, performing mental maths, "Twenty eight." he finally said, looking back over to the elf, who was now glaring back at him.
"Why, in the name of the forebearers, did you need to work out your own age?"
"I'm not the best with dates." Edric said, "But if I'm an old man to you, then you must be a very young assassin. How'd you get in the business?"
"Enough!" she exclaimed, brandishing a silver handled dagger, "I have been hired to murder you, can you please just come over here and let me stab you or something?"
"Who hired you?" Asked the man. "I bet it was Gerald, old man keeps thinking 'm spying on him. I'm just admiring my damn lawn, the one I own and keep."
She sighed. "Tedricas Vrone."
"Oh, oh." Edric said, it all clicking into place like some gigantic clockwork...clock. Edric was not a poetic man by any measure. "You're the assassin I hired to kill me."
"What." The look on the girl's face was priceless: confusion, worry, maybe even a little pity.
"I heard there was a new hired killer in this city, I wanted to test their mettle, see what they had in them. You did poorly."
"I did not-"
"You threw a brick into my window, crawled through, and then announced that you were here to kill me, loudly. At any point here I could've killed you." Edric shook his head. "How in the name of the Blessed did someone so loud and utterly unimaginative become a person who kills people for money."
"I-"
"Le me guess," Edric cut her off, "Orphan." he suggested.
She nodded.
"Shame how many there are of you these days. Oh well, good thing you have me to guide you in all this."
"What the hell are you talking about?" she just seemed confused and bewildered at that point; Edric didn't blame her, he had as well when he was her age.
"Now, I am offering the opportunity of a lifetime: I will teach you everything I know about the fine art of killing a man for gold. If you check the contract I sent you, it clearly states that the due date for the killing is in seven years. In that time, I will turn you into the best killer there ever was."
"And then...?"
"And then," Edric stood up from his table, sliding the chair back as he took the plate with him into the kitchen, the elf following close behind, "And then I will put you through the most dangerous day of your life. If you do what you did back there, I wont hesitate to shove that dagger through your own heart. But if you push yourself to the limits, and then even a little further..." he grinned, "Then I will be dead, and you will have fulfilled your first contract."
He then stretched out his hand, covered in tiny scars. "What do you say?"
The elf eyes him suspiciously for a moment, before hesitantly taking it. she then shoved the dagger into his side.
He keeled over, blood leaking from the wound like water from a tap. She turned, walking away.
It was then she saw Edric, completely fine and now sitting back at the table, with yet another sandwich. "Nice try." was all he said, before going back to eating his meal.