If you want to continue stargazing with the binoculars you could simply use something to block their windows from your view. A standing screen would probably do the trick.

I read this aloud to my wife. We both agreed that you were very spot on with mimicking his style.

Thanks for a very amusing read!

Why would it have to be normally distributed?

In my eyes a non-biased relative comparison could end up with a whole host of distributions. A relative measure only means that you'll translate and perhaps rescale the original distribution.

Do you have a theorem or specific result to refer to?

I should also point out that the Lake Wobegon effect is at its most relevant when the underlying distribution is symmetric. Meaning that the average and the median are equivalent. This does hold for e.g. normal distributions. But if we allow for distributions with long smaller-than-mean tails, it would be possible that a majority are better than the mean.

That's only one lion. You've simply been drinking too much.