FWOOMP

"JESUS CHRIST, what the fuck Troy?!"

"I-I dunno dude! I was just doodling dicks and I added a sick looking fireball shooting out of one and it did that!"

"Bro, are you fucking high? You can't just summon a freaking Mario fireball by doodling! Where's the fucking lighter, man? Where're you hiding-"

FWOOMP

"JESUS CHRIST TROY!"

"It did it again! You try!"

"NO dude, you nearly set the ceiling-"

"Look, just shut up and try it, okay? Here, take my notebook - copy that, right there!"

"...All right, fine, but you're showing me where you're hiding that-"

FWOOMP

"Ah FUCK!"

"DUDE it worked for you too! Lemme see! Oh, you copied the dick too? Does it work without it?"

...

"Huh. Guess you need the dick too?"

"Okay cool, but can you try drawing something that won't set the house on fire?"

"Oh great idea! Lemme try beer! ...How the hell do you draw beer? Maybe if I do something like this..."

zzzZZZWOMP

"Oh just fucking great man, now there's a weird slime thing in the kitchen. Just great."

"It's kinda cute though."

"Bro, it's leaving a weird ooze trail everywhere. Take your slime and fireballs and weird magic shit outside dude."

"Your mom's leaving a weird ooze trail!"

"..."

"...Okay, okay, jeez! Tough audience! Whatever, c'mon uh... Mr. Slime. Can I call you that?"

glorp

"..."

"..."

"...Hey Troy?"

"What up?"

"Lemme know if you figure out the doodle for beer."

No internet tho 🥲

"We're sorry, all our customer support agents are currently assisting other customers. The current wait time is FORTY. FIVE. MIN-"

Azazel roared and threw the infernal device onto the ground. Fifteen times! That was the fifteenth time he'd been disconnected and forced to wait for another agent! He slammed his cloven foot down with such rage that the phone smashed through the flimsy vinyl flooring and became embedded in the concrete subfloor below, and he stormed off to find his summoner.

"HUMAN. WHAT IS THIS ACCURSED COM-CAST? IS IT ANOTHER HELLISH REALM?"

The human in question was in the middle of a "video game" that quite intrigued Azazel, though he'd never admit it.

"Yo one sec Mr. Zel, I'm fighting Malenia again."

Azazel roared with annoyance and stomped around a bit, but it was mostly for show and his eyes were glued on the screen the whole time. The human (he remembered his name was Tim or Tom or something like that, Timtom?) threw the controller to the ground and grumbled something about "fucking bullshit oh pee waterfowl dance" and finally turned his attention to the demon. "No luck, huh?"

"NO. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY A MORTAL WOULD SELL A SOUL FOR SUCH A SIMPLE TASK, BUT I DO NOW."

"Mannnn I was really hoping you'd figure it out cause we've been without internet for like, three days now?"

"I APOLOGIZE FOR FAILING THIS TASK. I WILL UNFORTUNATELY NOT CONSUME YOUR SOUL. ^ALSOIMAYHAVEBROKENYOURDEVICE."

Timtom cupped a hand around his ear. "Woah, 'scuze me Mr. Zel but did I hear that right? You broke my phone?"

"...YES."

"So you owe me."

"...YES."

"Broooo."

"I APOLOGIZE. I LOST MY TEMPER. I WILL SPEAK TO MY THERAPIST ABOUT THIS INCIDENT."

"Oh good for you man! Glad the devil has mental health resources for y'all. But you still broke my shit." Timtom rose from the couch and stood before Azazel, his hand stretched out. "Let's make a deal." Azazel eyed the hand nervously. His last deal with this human nearly had him in tears, but he still had to perform a task for Timtom before he could retreat to hell (and make an emergency appointment with his therapist).

"TERMS, HUMAN. AND I WILL NOT DEAL WITH THIS COM-CAST AGAIN."

"Oh no, nothing like that bro! I wouldn't do that to anyone, Mr. Zel. Anyway, terms! One: new iPhone since you broke my old one. And make it an iPhone 14 Pro Max."

"AGREEABLE."

"Two: you'll beat Malenia for me." Timtom pointed a thumb back at the TV. "None of the other guys in the house have beaten her yet and I wanna be the first. And in exchange," Timtom leaned closer. Azazel leaned away. "I'll tell you how Comcast works. And you can set up a new torture chamber in hell. I hear your annual performance review is coming soon."

Azazel perked up. Devilish secrets like Com-cast didn't come cheap or easy, and all Timtom was asking him to do was beat something in his video game? His clawed hand met Timtom's. Demonic magic swirled from below and settled into their clasped hands, illuminating them both with a hellish glow. And Azazel saw, in that moment, the flames of hell in his eyes, Timtom looked more like a devil than Lucifer himself. But the moment passed, the magic settled, and both their hands fell to their sides.

Timtom flopped back on the couch and held a controller out to the demon. The grin he gave Azazel had him wanting to flee in terror. "C'mon Mr. Zel! I promise it won't be as bad as Comcast." Azazel glanced at the controller, at Tom, and at the screen depicting a character standing by a serene fire of some sort. Swallowing the feeling that he'd made another contract not at all in his favor, he reached out and took the controller into his hands.

"Reroll, please."

My head snaps up from my forging, the soul I was reshaping falling to the anvil. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me buddy! I want a reroll! The last few times you've sent me down as an ant, and then a turkey, and now a lobster? I'm just not vibing, you feel me?"

What the actual fuck. I peer down at the lobster-shaped soul blob before me and my own hammer marks glow before me, detailing all the times this soul has been reshaped by me. "How in all worlds have you been here ten times in five days?"

"I told you man, the vibes were off, so like I just came back? Not super hard but bro, the judgment line sucks. I tried telling the guy up front that I was a frequent customer and next time he should just fast track me to you but he threw me all the way back and I had to wait through the whole thing again! Anyway I want a reroll! No more lame animals, I wanna go back as a dude with a massive sch-"

"Jesus Christ on a slice of toast, just shut the Hell up for a second! HOW are you retaining your memories? That's the first thing I knock out of you."

The lobster raises its front claws in a strange crustacean shrug. "Dunno. Try it."

I swung my hammer down and smashed the lobster with relish. The cleansing sound echoed across my forge as it was reshaped back into a perfect sphere, clear and unblemished as the day it was created. There was no way that-

"Yeahhhh so that didn't work. Don't mind being a ball though. Ooh, sneak me into the NBA! I wanna meet LeBron!"

I looked at the soul, throwing itself in and out of my trash can and yelling something about "slam dunks". Looked at my hammer. Looked at the two hundred thousand page manual labeled "WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMETHING WEIRD HAPPENS IN THE SOUL REFORGER (NOW WITH MORE PAPERWORK!)". Looked back at the soul. At my hammer. At the growing line of souls needing reforging. I made my decision. Snagged the dumb ball mid dunk out of my trash can and placed it on my anvil and held my hammer over it. Ignoring the feeling that I was making a huge mistake, I asked it:

"How big do you want your schlong?"

🥹 Omg thank you so much!

"Yeah, so I think there's like, thirty-four of them now? I tried labeling them with sticky notes but Steve #22 likes to eat them for some reason. The post-it notes, I mean."

"Bro, what the fuck? Like how?"

"Dunno man. I think it's something to do with this weird portal thingie Ned built in the basement cause I remember Steve #1 going down there like a month ago the day he disappeared. Yelled at Ned that his dumb nerd shit ate Steve and Ned said he'd go find him but he hasn't been back. Whatever, me and the Steves are chilling."

"Dude, that's kinda cool. Unlimited Steves. Think we can throw some kegs in the portal?"

Someone is running up the stairs, panting heavily. All Steves scuttle under bed in fear. The bedroom door is thrown open, revealing Ned, disheveled and holding another Steve.

"I finally...found your...dumbass cat!"

"Oh word! Welcome back bro. Here, slap this sticky note on him and put him with the others."

"...#35? The others? What the fuck?"

"Yeah, just chuck him under the bed."

"Whatever man. Just keep him out of my shit." He sets Steve #35 down and nudges him under the bed, then leaves.

"..."

"..."

"...Bro, do you think there's gonna be another Ned tomorrow?"

"...Ah fuck."

"Should we tell him?"

"Eh. Not our problem. C'mon, let's go outside with the Steves. They like to potty in the neighbor's roses and it's hilarious."