If she's saying she wants you to go hard on her because she feels genuinely guilty and she thinks she deserves it... Kinda sounds an awful lot like it's less of a kink thing and more of a "self harm via you" thing. You had her consent (sort of--no safe words is a bad plan always and inherently blurs the line between consent and no consent when things get intense), but even having consent doesn't mean that it can't still be harmful. Lots of people with trauma reenact it in ways like this, and while it can be fun and even healing if it's done properly, it can also 100% be very damaging and retraumatizing if it's not. Not saying that's her situation, but I wouldn't rule it out. Y'all really need to talk about this stuff.

"Very invasive" has a meaning that could very easily be connected to discomfort and feeling like they're expected to be vulnerable in an environment that doesn't feel safe to them. This is also a teenager who may not even recognize that that's the issue they're having, or may not want to share that readily with a bunch of strangers on the internet. Generally people who have therapy forced on them rather than presented as an option aren't too open to it, especially if it's forced on them by the very people they're having issues with, which could easily be the case here. We don't know.

What I'm saying is that it's not helpful for you to jump to negative conclusions about this person without knowing any of the details. People don't refuse needed help for no reason, so the fact that this person needs help and still isn't open to the help that's being offered to them means there's a barrier there. We don't know what the barrier is, but just assuming it's a character flaw isn't helpful. It places blame without offering any solutions (other than arguably "stop whining", which is really just telling this person to shut down even more rather than open up). My suggestion to you is to hold back on the judgements in the future and assume the best of who you're interacting with unless they give you legitimate reason not to. Advice given from that perspective is so much more likely to be helpful than advice that comes from the assumption that there's just something wrong with someone and they need to fix their attitude.

"Quit whining" is rarely if ever helpful advice to someone who needs help. As someone who was in a similar position as a teen: you have absolutely no clue what this person is dealing with, or why they're not comfortable with the therapy that's being offered. Assuming that all of the blame is on them and they're just being lazy and ungrateful is not only unhelpful, it's actively damaging. You're telling someone they need help while going out of your way to be hurtful to them. That's a very shitty thing to do.

ETA I sincerely do think you're trying to help and I don't mean to be aggressive, I've just been on the receiving end of this type of advice enough to know that it absolutely is not helpful.

That's incredibly depressing and I don't think we should be impressing it on young people as the norm that they should expect and prepare for. People deserve time to relax, time to explore our passions, time to spend on relationships and projects and things that matter to us. It's very true that many people don't have nearly enough time to themselves, but that shouldn't be lauded as some marker of "real adulthood" because it fucking sucks and we really ought to at least try to do better for ourselves.

I'll get off my soapbox now, but damn. Just makes me so sad sometimes, the shit we accept for ourselves.

Well, take it as a lesson. If you want to give a relationship the best chance you can at succeeding, you have to be honest about how you're feeling and what your needs are even when it's hard and awkward and you're scared to rock the boat. I understand being worried that the relationship doesn't have a solid foundation yet and not wanting to scare him off, but a solid foundation is built on honesty and open communication. It doesn't just happen with time, you have to do some scary uncomfortable shit to make it happen. If you're looking around for someone better while he thinks you're exclusive, not only will that hurt him and his ability to feel secure with you, but it will also hurt your own sense of security and trust in him (or any partner, for that matter)--because if you're not really all the way in it, you're gonna be seeing his behavior through that lens too. You're gonna stay looking for signs from him that he isn't really in it either, because that's the mindset you know best. That can become a self-perpetuating cycle really quickly, with both of you sensing distance in the other and pulling away further out of fear.

You mentioned wanting a deeper connection with this person, and really as a general rule, deep connections come with deep honesty. They're a package deal. Sometimes the connection seems to come first and make the honesty easier, and I think that's sometimes what we subconsciously expect from the "right" partner, but I think most often the honesty has to come first. And that shit can be seriously scary--scarier for some folks than others, to be sure. But it can really be worth it, and frankly if you're not willing to be honest you're gonna shoot yourself in the foot every time.

Anyway, from one person who's deeply terrified of being vulnerable in relationships to a potential other, lol, I really wish you the best. Hope you learn a lot from this.

I see your thought process and understand why you didn't think of it as cheating, but the issue is that you were having concerns about your relationship and rather than addressing those concerns with your partner you started looking around elsewhere on your own. You weren't acting as part of a team, like you would in a relationship with another person with whom you wanted to build mutual trust. You were acting on your own, your thought process was your own, the issues you were having in the relationship were your own. You weren't coming from a place of being really in a relationship and committed to giving it a real shot, you were coming from a place of trying to just sort it out on your own and testing out other options without even letting him know there was an issue to be addressed. That's what makes it cheating. You'd already disconnected yourself from him before you even went on the dates.