Icy_Wildcat t1_jcnlc6w wrote

Ever have any of those moments where it just feels like life is playing one massive prank on you? Well, apparently I was 'blessed' with the power of a moon goddess for no good reason. Coincidentally, I was getting mugged or robbed at least 10 times a week. I knew the whole cadence about how it all went, and Artemis(yes, the no-man-may-look-upon-me-and-live Artemis) beat their asses. I was getting tired of this, especially with this mugger standing right in front of me.

"Hand over your wallet, phone, and keys before I shoot you in the fucking face!"

"Dude, you know what happened to the others. Take a hint and leave."

The dumbass was obviously loaded, meaning he was just trying to rob me so he could rob me. A complete mistake. And it turns out he knew exactly which goddess decided to watch over me.

"Oh really? What's she going to do, flash her ass at me?"

I heard that ever so familiar chime warning of impending doom for the poor bastard.

"Well, it's started. Ten."

The dumbass looked around, trying to find a source of the chime. He wanted to know what had started, however he saw some silver mist floating above my shoulders that got clearer as a woman's voice rang out.


Unfortunately, this set the dumbass over the edge.

"Zero. Time's up."

He raised his pistol up at me, however I quickly turned the barrel away from my face before wrestling it out of his hands. He pulled out a knife, however by that time I had shot him in the face. He dropped like a stone and I promptly called the police. After a while, the killing was deemed self-defense and I was let go. Soon, I went home, and there she was, waiting for me. And by the looks of it, Artemis was pissed.

"Paris, we need to talk," she sighed.

"What is there to talk about?" I was having none of her BS about being more gentle.

"Why did you do it? You know I'm here to help you."

"Fat load of good that's doing me," I snapped back. "I can defend myself as you so clearly saw!"

"Paris, you shot and killed a man—"

"Just like you would have done to me if I wasn't the one you decided to take care of!" I shouted back at her. I had enough of this. "You would have shot me for refusing to turn into a woman just because I saw you, either as a human or as a deer!"

"Damn it, Paris, I told you not to bring those times up! I was a misandrist dickhead back then, sure, but I've changed!" Now she was angry. Good, I still needed to vent to her.

"Not that much, considering you're just pissed I killed him before you did!"

"Please! Every god and goddess changes! I mean, sure, you had me, but I've improved, and hell, I even found out I'm bi, but take Allah, for instance! He used to be extremely homophobic and hateful of God and both of his religions, but now the man's supporting gay rights all across the globe! He's even helped support charities about getting rid of al-Qaeda, Daesh, the Taliban, Hezbollah, the Houthis, any group terrorizing the Middle East! He got the US to return home from there and has even helped Iran and Iraq lose their religious dictatorships!"

"Then why aren't you helping him?"

"I can't be in two places at once and I swore to help you throughout your life, so you'll have to deal with the fact that you're stuck with me."

I sighed, shaking my head. This was too much for me. I walked off to my room, deciding to take a nap. She peeked her head into my room, knowing that I was just having one of those moments. Thankfully she was much calmer than before.

"I'll wake you when dinner's ready," she gently said to me before closing the door.


Icy_Wildcat t1_j9zp98f wrote

It came as no surprise that humans had the concept of domestication. Every major civilization had that. What surprised us was that humanity took it a step further and domesticated even the most extreme of predators that they could find and tame...something others would hesitate at doing. Soon, even those predators became exotic pets before eventually reaching the general pet market. The ones that couldn't be easily tamed but could be tricked to not recognize humans and sapient species as prey soon were given homes in wildlife sanctuaries and zoos.

However, humans soon turned their focus towards sapient species, especially the most aggressive and warlike. They used a similar tactic called 'charm' to help improve relations with each other. Eventually, we saw that these races and civilizations were improving relations with each other. From the wolfish Houons, the spider-like Jeyuns and the tusked, iron-muscled Orcs to the fair-skinned Aurans, the mothlike Varyns, and the scaly, fanged Chyrans, no civilization could resist the pull of the fabled Humans, a species that could be as warlike as Ares yet as loving as Casanova.

Soon, there were reports of humans and their harems of lovers which, although rare, was certainly an impressive feat. Even despite most humans only taking one lover as their bride or groom, there were reports of humans having straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or even pansexual harems. And even then there was the biological compatibility for fertile offspring, which resulted in great joy once people realized that all sapient species were biologically compatible with each other, especially humans.

Aside from those, there was the size. Occasionally, harems may only be two lovers, yet even rarer is a harem of 6 or 7. However, I have seen a man with 36 wives at a nudist resort I frequented, which has subsequently broken the record of 21 lovers in a harem. Before humans, few would think this would be possible. Yet now, we know it can be done.

With all this, you would expect humans to be in danger with the predators in their homes and in their beds, but they are predators too. They hunt for food, snare for study and rehoming, and capture hearts for love. Not only have they contributed to technology, but they have become the catalyst for a closer bond between aliens and the chance of a possible Galactic Union.


Icy_Wildcat t1_j6emwiz wrote


I stared almost blankly at my grandmother, who was pointing at my girlfriend, Carmen. Something had occurred between them, since it wasn't normal for my grandmother to be this worked up about something, however she was angry. Very angry. Soon, Carmen showed the exact same fury, however she held back.

"Oh, so every single kitsune with Korean ancestry is automatically a fucking kumiho in your eyes, huh?! You racist piece of shit!"

"You will not take my son's liver! Get out! Get out you murdering piece of—"

"That's enough!" my grandpa shouted. "Honey, you're scaring the guest. The least you could do is offer her something to eat, such as the leftover fried tofu I'm heating up."

He was wise enough to not mention that it was a way to tell kitsune apart from kumiho. And, of course, Carmen's eyes sparkled at the mere mention of fried tofu. My grandmother left the room, grumbling to herself. My grandfather, however, pulled up a few more chairs before bowing to Carmen.

"Please forgive my wife's rudeness. As careful as she is, this was completely uncalled for. Should I make some tea for us?"

"Yes, please," Carmen replied, feeling a bit more relaxed and letting her 9 tails show. "I understand why your wife wasn't very kind towards me, but she really should be more careful with spotting a kumiho."

"I can't blame her, she often had to fight them off in the past. She'll warm up to you soon enough."


Icy_Wildcat t1_j4o1n7i wrote

"As I give you my firstborn son, I pray that you raise him well and shape him into a fine young man, so that when he comes home he will be recognized as a fine leader."

The last matriarchal kingdom I had visited was the Churai Kingdom, ruled by two queens of good nature. They both had said that to me as I took their son, a prince, and set off to my home, Anschrukh Castle, or as it was also known, the Palace of Royals. There, he was properly taken care of, given lessons by the other princes, kings, emperors, dukes, counts, marquesses, barons, viscounts, and lords, soon becoming one of them. Whatever title they were given by their parents did not matter, as they were each equals, brothers from different kingdoms, empires, and dynasties.

I was known as the Witch Queen. As payment for helping the kingdoms, I only took their firstborn sons, raising them and allowing their parents to visit them, helping with a sort of co-parenting. However, as I asked for the same payment after helping the Dazaken Empire, an abnormally strict matriarchal society, the Empress scoffed at my demand, looking down on me.

"Take the little shit. He serves me no purpose other than to be executed after his twentieth birthday to commemorate the royal family's rule. Once he is outside these city walls, he will be exiled."

I was taken aback by her harsh words, and as the princess walked into the room, hearing the commotion, I turned away before producing a long, thick, golden blade with a jeweled handle and striking off the empress's head. It was only too late that I saw the princess escorting the prince into the royal hall in chains, yet she only released him, giving him new robes—emperor's robes, complete with crown.

After their coronation together, I took him home, where he was welcomed with open arms, cheers, and comrades. This was what I loved for. I was a matriarch who cared for thousands of patriarchs, raising them to be fine leaders. This was my ambition, and I loved every second of it, so why not go for more?


Icy_Wildcat t1_iy720fn wrote

While yes, YTA, there's another tradition. With a little something called soul-viewing, you can see their true selves even billions of years down the line. This helps select the ones who will love you no matter what, through thick and thin, and will trust you with their big hearts. After that, you can both become pseudo-dhampirs by performing a ritual involving sage and mugwort upon your wedding night. After you finish the incantations and you both ingest the herbs, chewing them well, you must let her bite you first and drink your blood. Biting her and drinking her blood in return is optional. However, you both will have some vampiric traits which can be easily hidden as well as immunity to sunlight, garlic, holy water, crosses, and silver. Aconite is still a danger, though.


Icy_Wildcat t1_iwn7xc4 wrote

I pushed John away from me, making it clear that I wasn't going to kiss him. "Today's the last day. If we're going to kiss, it should be after the show."

"But this is our last day together. We need to have it be the best—"

I cut him off with a raise of my hand. "We're doing that with a party. There won't be any kissing until after the mole's been voted out and one of us has the money. I'll see you at the party." Turning around, I walked away. I wouldn't drink too much. That being said, I did have a good time there. Of course, complying to the rules, there wasn't any sex or anything erotic. Just a group of dudes having a good time.

Once the next day came, we stood in the voting room. This was the last chance for $12 million. The announcer called us forward.

"Tom, Clarence, Stephen, John, James, Richard, please step forward," he called, and with each name, they stepped forward. "Aaron, Carl, David, Connie, Anthony, and Kane, please step forward." I did so, and the host began his speech.

"You twelve have come here to find out who the mole is. You both split up into teams and have had one week to investigate and prepare. Now, you both have the chance to vote on whom the mole is. All votes after the discussion are final. Make your choice."

We took the tablets, selecting a person and typing a reason why. I selected John, typing that he was trying too hard to act like he was gay. When the discussion came up, most of the others changed their votes. Soon, the votes were broadcast, and I saw the scoreboard.




Third. That wasn't too shabby. This was our chance for $12 million for each member of the team. John stepped onto the podium, sighing. The host looked at him, sighing. "Well, John, you had a good run. Honestly, I was rooting for you. But still, rules are rules, so could you please open up your locket?"

He took his locket from the shelf and turned around, opening it in front of the camera. It was a picture of him and his wife. Straight. Our team didn't cheer, but we went over to the other team after John returned to his spot. After congratulating them for a good effort, we ended our quiet victory celebration with a handshake. John shook Anthony's hand. I shook Stephen's.

Once we returned to our spots, the host turned towards me and Anthony. "The both of you took second and third place. Could you both please open your lockets?" Anthony took his and mine down from the shelf, handing me my locket. Before he opened his, he spoke.

"I know the rules said only one straight guy and 11 gay guys, but I have to come clean. I'm bisexual. The producers actually gave me a choice between being the mole or not. And I chose to be the mole." Smiling, he opened his locket, showing him with two other women. "Married for 5 years to the both of them and we've even got babies on the way."

After he finished, I turned to him, saying "In that case, sorry to upstage you." Turning back to the camera, I opened my locket before nodding to the rest of the contestants. They took their lockets down, opening them up to show pictures of them with their fiancees, or wives, or even wives and kids. The host held back a snicker, knowing that this was a perfect April Fool's joke.

"Well, you all were the moles, but that doesn't mean none of you get the money. How does $12 million for each contestant sound?" We each agreed to that. It was a good amount of money for a joke episode.


Icy_Wildcat t1_iwdh9f6 wrote

"You noticed?"

By that time, his wife had drawn her pistol, aiming it at his head. Calmly, he shot her in the side with a stun round. She dropped her pistol, and he caught it, flicking the lever to full-auto and emptying the magazine—all 60 rounds—into her body. As she collapsed, his kill count flickered to a 1, then back to a 0, then after a few seconds it changed back into a 1.

"Y-yes, I noticed..." I was still in shock at what happened. Most notably because of the assassination, but also because of his kill count. "How do you do that?"

"Change my kill count? It's more of a filter, really. Since I've fought against so many terrorists, fascists, socialists, and communists, I've seen what they've done, so they're considered less than human. That's why they don't usually go on my kill count." He stood up, inviting me to follow him. As I did, he continued.

"If I wanted to, I could disable all filters on my kill count to show just how many people I've killed. Besides, I've had Geneva Scanners recording my kills, so no civilian was killed." He stopped at a certain lounge, decorated with lavish paintings, gilded decorations, and expensive wood and velvet furniture.

"I'm not proud of what I did, but I suppose it was just. I'm willing to let you see my true kill count, if you want."

I nodded, and soon after pressing some buttons on his wrist, his kill count shot up from 1 to 7,626,198,989. He noticed my shocked look, and he soon sighed.

"Tyranny is found everywhere in the galaxy. In the universe, even. Just get within a few clicks of an inhabited planet and you'll find some form of tyranny, dictatorship, or oppression."

This was true indeed, considering my experience. Astounded, I asked him "If they can be spared or redeemed, do you allow it to happen?"

"Yes," he said. "Every time they take the offer, I make sure they stay alive....one moment, please." Some officers had arrived. He walked over to them, and after a short conversation, they let him go. Walking back over to me, he explained the situation. "They found out about her. Turns out she was just a murderer killing people for their money. I would have been the youngest of her targets if she killed me."

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Only 27, why?" Only 5 years younger than me.

"I think the stress is starting to show its effects." I was talking about his mustache and beard, which were going white in the center.

"It's nothing too serious, Colonel. That being said, I am feeling a bit hungry. Do you want to grab a bite to eat?"

"I could use a good meal, General. Does Terran Tom's sound good?"

"I was just going to suggest that. Let's go."


Icy_Wildcat t1_itvk45a wrote

"Do you still think I'm—"

Blood poured from her neck after I slashed it open with my pair of scissors. The Kuchisake-onna staggered back, coughing as her throat quickly healed before looking at me, wiping the blood off of her lips and torn cheeks.

"Well, that's one way to deter us...." Clearing her throat, she pulled up her mask and walked off, dejectedly.

She wasn't the first to try to woo me. A group of banshees tried to use their song to woo me. Of course, using their principles against them, I returned with the loudest screech they had ever heard, scaring them off and sending them running for their very lives. Some vampires tried to seduce me, however I told them I would only let a Dhampir bite me, and they soon walked out empty-handed. Some sirens tried to serenade me, but I just walked past them, listening to Choices by E-40.

With werewolves, werecats, and similar supernatural beings, they just wanted some cuddling. Sure, they still wanted me, but they accepted just getting some pets. Rusalki, however, were a bit more difficult. They wanted me to spend more time underwater with them, especially with scuba diving, but I didn't want to spend time with them.

I already have a fiancee. Sure, she's similar to a werewolf or werecat, however she isn't limited to one animal. For now, I'm just wanting to relax by her, as she loves me for me.


Icy_Wildcat t1_isvocs2 wrote

EDIT: Hey, OP here. Apparently we all needed to sit down and chat about why the whole running and lifting started, especially after I picked up my GF's father(I'll refer to him as F) with one hand and carried him back to the house like a logger just because I heard his wife(who I'll refer to as M) calling us back in for dinner. After we all ate, I got up for more running, lifting, and whatever else was needed, but F stopped me. Instead, he, M, and my GF(who I'll now refer to in this story as G) went over to the living room, inviting me to sit with them. After I did, F took a deep breath, looked at me, and told me to discuss why exactly I was feeling small and weak with informal orc greetings.

Turns out, it was a mix of culture shock, which they all expected, and both insecurity and stress, which G was most concerned about. Both M and F understood what I was going through, but they were taken aback when I told them about the root of my insecurities. It was my ex, a half-elf whom I'll call K. Turns out, G had dated K in the past, but they broke up due to some argument neither of them wanted to talk about. Turns out, this sparked something in K, because when I met her, she was as sweet as sugar, yet I soon found out that she was a massive racist.

Turns out I was starting to believe what she said about me once I broke up with her. Eventually, I managed to get the stress out with the running, lifting, and chores, yet M and F both thought they overreacted a bit. I already reconciled with G, so that went well. Unfortunately, I accidentally frightened them a bit when I deadlifted all 3 of them at once. I'll definitely have to adjust to this.