Misteph t1_je45gy6 wrote

Great story, but the typo "the mage said weekly" is the funniest thing to me. Just the image of both characters being basically frozen where they are for weeks while the hero slowly pushes the food into their mouth whole... which now that I think about it could basically be canon to the game since that is essentially what happens when you're in your inventory


Misteph t1_jarojms wrote

I'm happy my advice could be of help to not just the author but also to other writers. I would definitely also check out u/Fontaigne 's reply to my comment, as that also contains great information as well as a excellent counterpoint to my argument


Misteph t1_jarnbfb wrote

That's a great perspective and as well as a good reminder for me, thank you! I can definitely see how I phrased it could be more clinical and out of place. There are definitely times where less is more, else you end up with 5 pages describing the food on the table.

To me, the character directly telling us felt very out of place, as it's the only sentence in the story that does it, while being surrounded by what I viewed as largely descriptive language.

Regardless, I'm glad we agree in the quality of the story itself


Misteph t1_japeozz wrote

To be honest, I thought about not even giving you advice since everything else I saw I loved, and having looked through more of your work I can see you clearly didn't need it.

Part of what I like about your writing is that it is similar to my own style, but with much more practice behind it. It has an elegance and an eye for the details that really help the reader connect to the story, and you are able to make compelling characters in just a short story.

Alas, I always tell myself that I should write for these prompts, but I never end up doing it.


Misteph t1_jap2mvt wrote

Beautiful story with fantastic details! My only advice would be when explaining the character can smell emotions is the classic show, don't tell.

Instead of cutting into the story to state "That's something I can do, smell his emotions", something along the lines of "I can smell the adrenaline in his veins calming down, the nervous patter of his heart evening out", or other such emotional cues that might not be noticable to the average human. Describe how the character is able to sense this. You actually do a great job of this throughout much of the rest of your story, for example two paragraphs later.

Overall, great story! I'll need to look at reading other things you have written