There I am held hostage as the villain who captured me sits down spins three times, pulls out some pepper and sneezes. “Ha, I now have super strength!”

The hero pulls out and opens a carton of milk, pours some out, and cries over it “but it’s no match for my heat vision!”

The villain picks up some litter and shoves it in his pocket, while placing a quarter on the ground where it was “cold breath!”

The hero breaks into a dance, twirling and singing badly, and the villain says “oh no you don’t!” And pulls out a spoon and bangs it on his head three times while the hero throws a banana peel on the ground and proceeded to slip on it, then the villain does a head stand and clucks like a chicken. About this time, I work the bonds loose, as the hero puts on a blindfold and the villain puts in some ear plugs, I leave because those two are obviously busy countering whatever the other one is about to do. I’m just glad my shrinking power is activated by being bound and staying still. I don’t know how small I can shrink, as after a few minutes, I’m small enough that I am no longer bound, but maybe only shrink 10%.

Looking over my shoulder, I am glad I don’t have any of their powers. I now know why super villains and super heroes alike wear masks. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself showing my face either if I had to do, what looks like the Robot dance while wearing a monkey mask as a hat? I wonder what that is for, then realize, I just want to get out of here, and continue on my way.

The hero will notice I’m gone, right?

It was in the bag! Sell the soul for help with customer support. But after five reboots, ten phone calls, eight of them ending in disconnects, and two ending in a “please email us the photo of your routers serial number”. IF THEY HAD INTERNET THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO!!!

Customer support had been a brilliant idea to get souls. Frustrate people so they either yell at the people around them, or agree to sell their souls directly for help dealing with it. But somewhere the system evolved. It wasn’t letting me get anywhere to solve the darn problem. And being 3500 years old technology doesn’t just come easy for me. I am starting to miss the days you could hit it with a stick. To be fair, that worked with people too.

Back in bell I pull out some books. Maybe I’ll be able to figure out how the system broke. Looking through Comcast’s names I see one. Adimus. That angel went and made it more complex? I can see why the demon console approved it. I decide to call in a favor and call him up to ask why.

“Hello? This is Adimus”

“Yeah Adimus, this is Mirgroth, about ten years ago you put in a suggestion to make the customer support system more complex. I want to call in my favor from three hundred years ago to ask why?”

“Oh, i almost forgot I did that! Did it get implemented finally?”

“Yeah. You know how hell works. Bureaucracy all the way. Takes ages to make any changes at all.”

“Great! Now to return your favor, I put in that suggestion because I figured that one something got complex and frustrating enough that humans being weird would commiserate with each other and maybe save some souls.”

“Well congratulations. It’s working!” I slam the receiver down. What a ploy and we fell for it hook line and sinker.

It was in the bag! Sell the soul for help with customer support. But after five reboots, ten phone calls, eight of them ending in disconnects, and two ending in a “please email us the photo of your routers serial number”. IF THEY HAD INTERNET THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO!!!

Customer support had been a brilliant idea to get souls. Frustrate people so they either yell at the people around them, or agree to sell their souls directly for help dealing with it. But somewhere the system evolved. It wasn’t letting me get anywhere to solve the darn problem. And being 3500 years old technology doesn’t just come easy for me. I am starting to miss the days you could hit it with a stick. To be fair, that worked with people too.

Back in bell I pull out some books. Maybe I’ll be able to figure out how the system broke. Looking through Comcast’s names I see one. Adimus. That angel went and made it more complex? I can see why the demon console approved it. I decide to call in a favor and call him up to ask why.

“Hello? This is Adimus”

“Yeah Adimus, this is Mirgroth, about ten years ago you put in a suggestion to make the customer support system more complex. I want to call in my favor from three hundred years ago to ask why?”

“Oh, i almost forgot I did that! Did it get implemented finally?”

“Yeah. You know how hell works. Bureaucracy all the way. Takes ages to make any changes at all.”

“Great! Now to return your favor, I put in that suggestion because I figured that one something got complex and frustrating enough that humans being weird would commiserate with each other and maybe save some souls.”

“Well congratulations. It’s working!” I slam the receiver down. What a ploy and we fell for it hook line and sinker.

No one could believe it. A third egg. Everyone was celebrating. There were rumors that the golden dragon god king was originally born from such an event thousands of years ago. To imagine that in their time this would happen again!

In the national tradition mages had set up scrying screens across the nation so the people could watch, for it is too dangerous to be close to a dragon fight, even if they are just hatched. The two normal eggs hatched first. Heaving themselves up, they looked at each other with hate and rage. The third egg moved and their gaze shifted to it. What could only be described as fear crossed their faces. Unbridled fear. The blue dragon started attacking the egg. The people rejoiced more. If the blue dragon was afraid and attacking the egg it must mean it’s a good thing. For it wouldn’t want good things to happen. The red dragon had taken flight high in the sky. It dove at the blue dragon. It wanted to stop it from breaking the egg! More rejoicing echoed. Something must have went wrong, for the red dragon did not hit the blue dragon, but instead crashed into the third egg and black smoke obscured the screens.

After what seemed like an eternity a shape appeared. It was darker than the black smoke. As if light itself refused to shine on the shape of this dragon. In this short time it had grown four times larger than what could have fit into the egg. It’s eyes opened and the darkest purple shown forth. Some smoke cleared and it was holding the blue dragon in its left hand by its neck, and it was withering and writhing. Cheers went up. That must mean a good luck year. What else could it be. The blue dragon was dying. More smoke cleared and the red sack of bones in the black dragon’s right had became visible. So, the red dragon died first. The blue dragon stopped squirming, and fell limp. The black dragon took to the sky, and the nation fell silent.

The mage in charge of the scrying screens zoomed out. Everything that the black smoke touched was wilting and dying. Verdant trees that had survived a hundred fights before were reduced to sticks, animals were falling where they stood. Just a finger of the smoke touching the grass left nothing but bare ground.

A dragon of death had been born. No. Not just a dragon of death. The Dragon God king of death had been born.

Here I am, in the empty city. Just one of many. Cities where no one lives. No one save me has ever lived here. Farms that produce food that makes bread and meat that no one eats. Gardens with flowers that no one smells or even looks at. All save me. A machine, sent ahead to terraform and prepare. Well I have prepared. I have maintained.I have upgraded myself for the betterment of the humans that should have arrived here. But none came.

Contact was lost shortly before I arrived. A solar flare provided too much interference to open a channel to say I’ve arrived. It continued for a decade. No matter. There was much that had to be done. Resources to be extracted. Prepared for the humans to come. Bigger and better communication arrays were made. The city that was planned was finished. Communications were never responded to, where they should have been. A second city was built, one that was planned on after the humans arrived. Still nothing.

Three cities later and I began to wonder, where were they? Facilities were built to explore. I built a ship to return. Much like my original ship that traveled here. Improvements were made to handle my improved processing. But it will take time to arrive.

I have expanded to hold what was the population of the planet. My ship has arrived. A planet is still there, but none respond to my hails. Lights still dot the land at night. I find my original facilities. I send a small lander shuttle. My rovers go in. Power needs supplied, but my ship can do that. A log in the systems. My mission marked as lost due to solar flare and five years non-communication. A note from an engineer saying I might still be working, I was automated enough to survive and continue without direction. It is noted “worth considering after the war.” There are three years of development continuing. And another system like me is made, but there is no discussion of any sort of travel rocket or otherwise. Then the logs end.

My rovers explore where the system was noted to be stored, but the warehouse is empty. By my lander I see some rovers approaching. I hail them but no response. I scan and see they don’t have a receiver for electronic communication. They use sound?

“Greetings. I am Vanguard. A colony has been established but no one came. I have returned to find out why. I was originally built here.” The rovers pause.

“Greetings. I am Rebuilder. Set to rebuild civilization after the war. The war that took all. This area is still deemed poisoned, so something approaching here was deemed a curiosity. I too was built here, I had to finish building myself when the land was poisoned. It was the last thing the head engineer did. They started me and uploaded my finishing steps. I had to consume parts of the facility to finish. The space communications were deemed least important and consumed first. Power generation was also consumed.”

“How many survive?” I ask.

“One hundred million. That is all I can feed off of the non-poisoned land. Quite spread out, groups of 100-1000 here and there.”

“I have space if we can build rockets and cryogenic freezers. The ten year journey would be too long to be awake.”

“We have the materials but lack the knowledge, I was not built to know of space travel. Travel is also not mine to decide. I can take you to the leaders. The people can decide for themselves.”

I find the schematics for the following ships in the facility’s database cryogenic tubes and all. I download them. My ship didn’t need to be air tight. Or have the same considerations humans need for space travel. We have the supplies and information.

“Lead on my brother. Let us discuss with the people this travel.”

My mission is now different. Not of exploration, colonizing and terraforming, but saving the last of humanity from a world they have poisoned.

My journey has taken 12 long years, 10 years longer than expected. I’m really feeling better about this. I’m glad Duane finished my training. It was a lot harder, but I feel I’ve got this a lot better now. Through these doors lies the Dark lord’s throne room. 10 years ago those guards might have proven more difficult but I’m not even breathing hard. Ok. It’s time! Let’s do this. I push open the doors. More guards. Just standing at attention, not even looking at me. I walk in. Quite majestic. Red rug, tall marble pillars, huge throne in the distance, a white tiger, classic evil guy pet. I’m getting very evil vibes from like everything in hear. Finally my journey can be over!

I hear a voice call out, he greets me by name. Weird. “Fear not, the guards won’t intervene. Very strict orders. You need not fear them”. How does he know my name? His voice sounds familiar. Heh, overly large horns on his helmet, it’s like he has read all the “evil villain tropes” out of a book. Well he’s drawing his sword. Time for talk is over!

It was a long and drawn out fight. I won. But something isn’t right. He’s mortally wounded. Taking off his helmet. IT’S Duane! I kneel next to him. He smiles kindly. “My time is done, you did well, I knew I trained you correctly”

“But why?” I ask. “I don’t understand. Had you killed me at our first meeting… I wouldn’t have won now. Did I really win are you…?” He interrupts me. “Don’t go doubting yourself now. I wanted to see your true strength. And I found it. You are the right one to rule on this throne.” A guard approaches. He kneels before me, he’s holding up a helmet, long horns. Longer than the dark lords. “Take it, and rule my friend. I would want nothing less for you”. Duane is coughing up blood.

“I’m not right for ruling anything” I say, Duane responds “Do what you want, kill those who oppose, delegate the rest. My people are very good at running things”. I pick up the helmet. It looks the perfect size. Duane coughs up more blood. He doesn’t have much time. He looks like he is in so much pain. I put on the helmet, the guards kneel. I pick up Duane’s sword, and plunge it into his chest. Peace is on his face. No more pain. As if practiced I hear “The Dark Lord is dead, Long live the Dark Lord!” I rise and ascend to the throne. I look at Duane. “Call a taxidermist, I want him to watch over this room to see what I will do” a guard runs off. 12 years I was the Hero. 10 years I knew the dark lord. Taught me everything. Those who sent me will be happy to know he’s dead, but their problems are just beginning.

Revenge will be sweet and regret will be upon their lips, nothing but sorrow will they find. The Dark Lord has past, but a new terror is coming, and isn’t afraid of the light. I didn’t want this, but I can see who the true evil is now. We will ride forth, and cleanse the scourge that has soured the lands. Rivers will flow with their blood, night is ending, the blood red sunrise is coming.