Pokerfakes t1_jaourlb wrote

"Hello, Sweetie. I'm glad you were willing to come over on such short notice. There really is something we need to talk about."

Sweetie, my girlfriend, looked very nervous for some reason, but she walked in and stood next to my living room table.

I smiled, and I walked over to my 100% room darkening curtains. "The reason I asked you over here tonight was–"

"Wait!" Sweetie interrupted me. "Before you say anything, I need to do and say something!" Sweetie hopped up onto my table. Then, in an array of glittery sparkles, she shrunk in size, and wings appeared on her back.

"As you can see, I'm not human like you are. I'm actually a fairy. But, I've been living among humans, trying to learn more about them. They're always making wishes of us, and I wanted to know why. But, I've learned all I can on my own; now I want to learn more. Because we've spent so much time together, I've fallen in love with you, and I want to grant you your wishes. Fairies live to make others happy."

"So, that's why I am the way I am. Will you be able to accept that, and, or rather, us?" My girlfriend stood before me, holding out a silver ring on her outstretched arms. Yes, I said "on" her arms. My girlfriend has just revealed to me that she's actually a fairy. A freaking fairy, with wings, and magic, and everything! It would've been cute, if her clothing had changed sizes with her. Instead, the only thing keeping her dignity intact is the silver ring that she's trying to give me.

Well, nertz. Now I'm not going to be the first one to do my big reveal. I speak up anyway.

"Um, I absolutely accept your proposal, Sweetie, but I have to insist on a gold ring."

I never was one to beat around the bush. That was one of the reasons "Sweetie," loved me so dearly.

Sweetie tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. "Why's that, Mister Honeybuns?"

"And I thought I asked you to use a different nickname for me. It isn't manly! Anyway, this is the reason. I don't think you would anyway, but I want to tell you that there's no need to fear what you're about to see. I'm in full control at all times, unlike what happens in those horror stories."

And with that, I fling open the curtains, revealing the full moon in all its silvery glow. Immediately upon seeing it, my change begins. I grow taller, fluffier, and toothier. This used to hurt, but after fifteen years, I've learned proper breathing and stance techniques. You'd be amazed at how many werewolves forget to breathe during the change. Changing body shape, size, and DNA requires a LOT of energy, and in a mammalian type of creature, where do you think that energy comes from? Oxygen, of course! And where does oxygen come from? Breathing, of course!

Anyway, all this to say, I basically go KER-FLUFF without grimacing, growling, or being grumpy afterwards. And by wearing some oversize clothing on full moon nights, I still have my dignity intact, too.

"Now, as you can see, I had good reason for wanting to talk." I give Sweetie a goofy, toothy grin. "It seems I'm not the only one who wanted to reveal a big secret tonight. I hope you can understand and accept me, too. And I hope you can understand why I have to insist on a gold ring instead of a silver one."

Sweetie dropped the ring and dropped on her bottom, laughing. "And here I was, worried over nothing! Whoo! Hahahahaha!"

Sweetie took a minute to compose herself, and in doing so, realized her state. A quick flash of sparkles later, and she was wearing a cute one-piece dress.

"I see what you mean, Mister Fuzzbuns, Sweetie teased. "And I guess the irony has struck me again. So much for learning more about humans by being with one."

Sweetie flitted up and landed on my nose. "I guess I'll just have to learn about werewolves instead, for a while."


Pokerfakes t1_j94jn1c wrote

That weekend was amazing, and horrifying. I had my 15th birthday party on my birthday, as usual. Being a summer vacation baby has its advantages; it doesn't matter what day of the week it is. Since there's no school in June, I can have my birthday party on my actual birthday, AND all my friends can stay over!

But when I awoke, and my skill tree appeared, I was confused. It read, "No one fighting within 400ft; must be true before skilltree revealed."

Say what!? I live in one of the worst cities in the world! There's ALWAYS someone fighting around here!

I sighed. My family and friends heard my noise, and they all perked up, expectantly. I took a deep breath, then said, "I'm sorry; I don't know what I have. It says that no one can be fighting within 400ft in order to reveal the skilltree."

Everyone looked disappointed...that is, until my 5 year old sister shouted, "Road trip," excitedly jumping up and down.

It took only 5 seconds before everyone else was shouting similar sentiments at my parents. Five minutes later, we were all packed into the old Suburban and headed towards the city limit.

When we finally got out of the city, I saw a blip. "No fighting detected; revealing skilltree."

My eyes nearly bulged out of my sockets. "This shouldn't be possible," I thought to myself.

My sister noticed my change of expression. "What's wrong, Brother?"

I looked back at her. "I'm too powerful for my age. This makes no sense. This is like the skilltree of an 80 year old wizard. Nearly everything is unlocked. There's only one thing that isn't, and I have the skill points right here to unlock it. And see? It's labeled 'Memories.' It's like I'm supposed to..."

Mom shouted at me, "Wait! Don't unlock that here in the car! Wait until Dad pulls into this Rest Area! Then unlock it in the open field!"

I pulled my hand back, and I nodded. Momentarily, I was standing by myself in a grassy field, with my family and friends all watching from 400ft away. I accessed the skilltree again, and I used the skill points to unlock "Memories."

That's when it all came flooding back to me. The devastation to come today to our city; the profound loss I'd experienced that day; the love I'd found in the aftermath; the vows and promises I'd made soon after; the years of hard training; the monumental battles to regain territories and friends lost; the loss of my wife and my desire to avenge her; my failure to do so; and, finally, the forbidden magic I'd used to send my abilities and memories back to this day.

I collapsed to my knees; it was all too much to process in an instant. But nevertheless, I was back! I'd done the impossible! Here I was, my 15 year old self again! And this time, everyone important to me was outside the city! No one who I cared about needed to suffer this time, except...

I looked at the group of my family and friends. I'd forgotten something. My future wife wasn't here! She didn't meet me in the previous timeline until after the devastation! And since my sister was here, she wouldn't be able to save my future wife there! "Damn it all!"

My family and friends were rushing to my side, but I couldn't stay here to tell them everything just now! There wasn't enough time! So, I did the best thing I could. I rushed to my Dad; he had the Suburban keys, after all. I placed a forefinger on his forehead and implanted a simple, single command. "Wait here for 5 hours. I will return to explain everything."

With that, I activated my abilities and rocketed back to the city.

(In announcer voice:)

"Vegetable has unlocked all his abilities through a mysterious time spell, and is racing to rescue his future wife! But will he make it in time? And what is this devastation? Find out! NEXT TIME! ON DRAGON EGGS D!"


Pokerfakes t1_j8mrq6f wrote

Megamind: "Or else this will be the last time you ever see ROXANNE RICHIE!"

Metro Man: "Yeah, you've never once injured her, so why don't we skip all the nonsense this time? I've got a dentist appointment I need to get to."

Megamind: "You want to skip our fight for a DENTEEST!? Well, I guess that just shows who's the superior one of us. You're having dental problems from all the times I've nearly beaten you! MUA HA HA HA HA HA!" (Minion activates the "dramatic lightning" machine. Unfortunately, it's a bit slow.)

Metro Man: "Actually, no. I have a cavity. The dentist says it's from all the wining and dining that I've received." (Metro Man glares at the mayor.)

Megamind: "Eh?"

Dramatic lightning machine activates.

Megamind: "Minion! I thought I told you to stop using that thing!" (Megamind sighs, then presses a button on his remote. Roxanne's restraints release. Megamind places his thumb and index finger on the tape over her mouth. Roxanne nods, and Megamind yanks the tape off.)

Megamind: "Well, that was more anticlimactic than usual. Same time next Thursday?"

Roxanne: "Actually...I have an obstetrician appointment sooooooooo..."

(Megamind drops his hands. His eyes open wide, and a shocked expression shows on his face.)

Megamind: "You have a..."

(Megamind's expression changes to exasperation.)



Pokerfakes t1_j6eay7m wrote

Interesting. I'm thinking about writing one, but I can't settle on the color. I'm thinking black for essentially Armageddon, gold for incredible prosperity like never before, or white for...something.

Also, what would happen to the winning dragons of prior years? Did they just fly off somewhere, or did they only live one year?


Pokerfakes t1_j6ae4c6 wrote

Apparently, "Heroing Without A License" is a capital offense in the Country of Blister. Emerald wished he'd known that last week, before he rushed into the burning hotel to save the crying girl. Emerald still would've saved her; he simply would've paid the five gold pieces first.

However, he hadn't paid, and now he was facing execution. The girl he'd saved was even forced to testify against him. She'd praised Emerald at the trial; she'd even looked Emerald in the eyes and thanked him for saving her life. Unfortunately, the prosecutor had used the girl's testimony against him, and the judge had no choice but to rule "Guilty as charged."

Emerald had tried to offer payment for his deed. However, the law was clear. It didn't matter that Emerald was able to pay for the license after the fact. It didn't matter that Emerald was from the Country of Dragonbreath. Diplomatic immunity wasn't offered in Blister. The judge cited precedent and various case laws, basically saying, "We set the license price high because we don't want inexperienced people to foolishly try heroing and get themselves killed. Nor do we want to be responsible for unvetted outsiders coming in, getting themselves killed, and having to deal with an angry international bureaucrat."

Essentially, Blister was making an example out of Emerald, to let other kingdoms and countries know "we mean business."

The execution date was set for one week after the trial. Dragonbreath was notified, merely as a courtesy. This was Blister's blunder. Emerald was married to a dragoness, and when she heard that her Mate was to be executed over "a mere scrap of paper," she was...displeased.

So, when Is'ti'ti crash landed on the wall and began bellowing burning blasphemies before Blister's bishops, Emerald wasn't surprised.

"Release my human hunny-bunny, and we will leave you all in peace. Do not, and I will reduce your walls to rubble to rescue them myself!"

Blister's bishops quicky conferred. They solemnly summoned the judge. After all, he was the one who gave sentence; the bishops preferred to be in the background.

The judge stood before Is'ti'ti, and he tried to summon his courage. In his courtroom, the judge ruled. Before this dragon, however, the only power he had was that of his office...which wasn't anything Is'ti'ti cared about.

"Lady dragon, I am confused. Our nation holds no prisoner of your concern, I assure you."

Is'ti'ti scowled. "You are 'holding' our HUSBAND, who you have promised to KILL today." Smoke began rising from Is'ti'ti's nostrils, a sure sign that her rage was being kindled.

Upon hearing the word "husband," the judge became disgusted. "No human would marry a dragon! No self-respecting man would ever be such a deviant! Such a thing would be against every moral codex ever written!" As the judge finished, the bishops all nodded in agreement.

Is'ti'ti smirked; she knew how to deal with these types. With a small click of her claws, she initiated a spell she had crafted, and she transformed from draconic into humanoid form.

To label her humanoid form beautiful would be a massive understatement. Her humanoid form stood a dominating eight feet tall. Her reddish golden skin shimmered in the sunlight. Firey red hair draped her back like a cloak of burning coals. Her eyes glistened like the purest diamonds of her hoard.

Is'ti'ti's smirk only grew larger as she approached the judge. "I can assure you, there are members of your race who would be so devious. I can certainly smell your response to seeing us in this form. And you're resisting your own urges as We speak."

Is'ti'ti placed a hand on the judges shoulder and gripped. Her sultry smirk changed into raging fury in an instant. "Now bring our husband here before we turn this wall into an ASH HEAP!"

Is'ti'ti flung the judge with a flick of her wrist. Just because she was in humanoid form didn't mean she was weak! The judge sailed backwards through the air, crashing into the bishops like a ball into bowling pins. However, with his adrenaline spiking, he managed to retort.

"Your scoundrel of a husband is within our walls!" The judge cried, going momentarily insane. "If you burn our walls to ash, he will burn along with them! Either way, OUR law will prevail!"

The judge started laughing like a maniac. Apparently he wasn't suited to be a bowling ball. Is'ti'ti sighed. The normal method wouldn't work, apparently.

Meanwhile, from his vantage point in his cell, Emerald could see everything happening on the wall. He tried sending mental transmissions to Is'ti'ti, but she was too far away. All Emerald could do was wait. He smiled, knowing that he would have quite a pleasant evening. Is'ti'ti always became frisky after transforming and expending magic. Emerald would always joke to Is'ti'ti that she was actually part succubus, to which she would just smirk and toss him into their bed.

Back on the wall, the judge had passed out from too much mental gymnastics. Is'ti'ti cast two spells. The first caused her to start hovering. The second caused the stones in the wall to start hovering as they separated from each other.

Is'ti'ti eyed the bishops. "Now. Will you bring us our husband? Or will I have to dismantle this city stone by stone?"

The bishops fled in a panic. They were simply too frightened to do anything else. Is'ti'ti groaned. This was going to take awhile.

Several hours, and many self-righteous guards later, Is'ti'ti reached the jail where Emerald was being held. The jailer, a dutiful man, spoke to Is'ti'ti.

"I'm afraid I can't let you just walk in here and take him." The jailer pointed at Emerald. "I think it's ridiculous to sentence a man to death for rescuing a young girl from a burning building. In fact, she was my own daughter! However, I cannot shirk my duty to guard this man."

Is'ti'ti looked at the jailer. He was still a younger man, though old enough to reasonably have a daughter of twelve. Is'ti'ti thought for a moment, then asked, "And what are we supposed to do? Just let your rulers kill our hunny-bunny, just because your rulers have some ridiculous law?"

The jailer merely shrugged. "I'm merely a humble jailer. I have a duty to perform. Though, I suppose you have one as well. Besides, the walls here, at least what's left of them, are known to have ears." The jailer positioned himself into a fighting stance with an obvious opening.

Is'ti'ti didn't miss the cue. She rushed forward and cast a sleeping spell on the jailer. As he slumped, she caught him, careful to not allow his head to hit the floor. She then broke Emerald's shackles and kissed him deeply. After it, Is'ti'ti scolded Emerald gently.

"You could've helped, you know."

Emerald chuckled. "I know. But I enjoy watching your theatrics almost as much as you enjoy doing them. And don't try to deny it." Emerald caressed Is'ti'ti's humanoid ears, sending shudders through her.

Is'ti'ti gently bopped Emerald on the back of the head as she caressed his back. "You really are a deviant. Our deviant. But this is neither the time nor the place. She whispered in Emerald's ear, "But there is a place."

Without another word, Is'ti'ti and Emerald left Blister. They went back to Is'ti'ti's home, and proceeded to know each other very well for the next three days.