"Fine..." Steve sighed as he slumped onto the couch.
"Baby?" Becca's voice shook as she followed Steve's lead. "What...what's going on?"
"Your boyfriend's an alien." Agent Barkley growled as he tucked his sunglasses into his chest pocket and closed the door.
"What?!" Becca shrieked. "Steve, what the hell is he talking about."
"It's not true baby, I swear." Steve pleaded, placing a hand on Becca's thigh. "I'm actually the superhero, Captain Magnanimous."
"The asshole that always lets the villains go?"
"Buddy if you're gonna lie, at least do it well." Barkley chuckled as he shook his head.
"Fuck..."
"Tell her the truth, Steve."
"Fine!" Steve shouted towards Barkley. "Fine..."
He looked towards Becca, all emotion draining from his face.
"My real name..." the thing muttered monotonously. "Well you'd hear it as a string of 'demonic shrieks,' so I'm told."
"Just a fucking awful language.," Barkley mused.
"I was sent here as a member of a scouting party," the thing rolled its eyes as it continued. "My home planet is part of what you call the Earendel system."
"The...what..."
"Just another solar system," it said. "My species is exponentially older than yours. We've migrated to different planets, but we're always searching for new resources. As well as places that support carbon based lifeforms. Essentially I'm-"
"Oh for fucks sake," Barkley scoffed. "I meant the truth about why I'm here. Not your whole goddamn life story."
"Right," the thing nodded. "When my party entered the craft we-"
"Nope!" Barkley interrupted. "I got it from here."
He looked toward Becca, failing to hide his empathy.
"We first spotted ole Steve here when his ship passed Neptune. Scared the shit out of everyone at NASA. Fortunately for us, Steve was the navigator. And as I'm sure you know by now, Steve likes to drink."
"Y-yeah..." Becca stuttered. "It's been an issue."
"Been an issue for him for a while, trust me," Barkley noted. "In any event dumbass here actually clipped the moon during his descent."
"Steve" lowered his head.
"How do you even..." Becca wondered.
"No idea. Lots of room to maneuver," Barkley shrugged. "So, obviously they crash landed in Roswell in 1947. All of the crew died on impact, except for 'Steve' here. We guess that it was because he was drunk. He didn't brace for the impact like everyone else."
"You're the Roswell alien?!" Becca screamed as she twisted her head towards 'Steve.'
"Uhh..." Steve muttered. "I mean...yeah..."
"What the fuck?!"
"What the fuck indeed." Barkley nodded.
"How am I even pregnant?!" Becca howled. "He's a fucking alien...what about, like, DNA and all that."
"Well," Barkley continued. "Oddly enough 'Steve's' species is almost identical to us humans. So much so that we can interbreed. Think Ligers and Tigons and shit."
"Oh those are so cool! You're telling me I'm gonna birth the first human Liger?"
"Tigon...I think."
"Still great!"
"Yeah...not so much. You see, we kept ole 'Steve' here captive for about 70 years before we let him go out and live in the world. Had to be absolutely sure, you know. Lots of rigorous testing to make sure he wouldn't cause any trouble."
"I gave you!" the thing seethed. "All of your technology! Computers, the internet, even video games! And you tortured me in return!"
"Yeah, but we were supposed to be cool after all that, man." Barkley waved his hand. "And we only gave you one damn rule. No breeding!"
"What? Why" Becca asked.
"Because," gloom fell upon Barkley's eyes. "When we tested in vitro fertilization, we found that 'Steve's' species has a particularly horrifying way of birthing itself."
"Birthing itself?"
"Care to elaborate my alien friend."
"We...uhhh..." Steve mumbled. "Well once gestation is complete, we begin eating our way through the uterus, small intestine, muscles, and so on."
"Eating..." Becca whispered. "Which would mean..."
"You're dead by the end of it," Barkley frowned. "But, and I've always wanted to say this."
The agent reached out his hand.
"Come with me if you want to live."
"Yup, fuck all this," Becca grabbed Barkley's hand, pulled herself from the couch and sprinted out the front door.
"Well, 'Steve,' it's been fun." Barkley smiled. "And, I should tell you, the kill squad is just right outside. Bye."
SentientBarghest t1_iv47qdj wrote
Reply to [WP] She hugs her boyfriend in excitement. “Steven I’m pregnant!” His normal Sunday afternoon turns into distress. “Pack your things, NOW!” But, 10 minutes later it’s already too late. There’s a knock at the door. “Damn it…” Steven said. A suited man walks in. “The agency knows. Sit down Steve.” by Spoon____Spoon
"Fine..." Steve sighed as he slumped onto the couch.
"Baby?" Becca's voice shook as she followed Steve's lead. "What...what's going on?"
"Your boyfriend's an alien." Agent Barkley growled as he tucked his sunglasses into his chest pocket and closed the door.
"What?!" Becca shrieked. "Steve, what the hell is he talking about."
"It's not true baby, I swear." Steve pleaded, placing a hand on Becca's thigh. "I'm actually the superhero, Captain Magnanimous."
"The asshole that always lets the villains go?"
"Buddy if you're gonna lie, at least do it well." Barkley chuckled as he shook his head.
"Fuck..."
"Tell her the truth, Steve."
"Fine!" Steve shouted towards Barkley. "Fine..."
He looked towards Becca, all emotion draining from his face.
"My real name..." the thing muttered monotonously. "Well you'd hear it as a string of 'demonic shrieks,' so I'm told."
"Just a fucking awful language.," Barkley mused.
"I was sent here as a member of a scouting party," the thing rolled its eyes as it continued. "My home planet is part of what you call the Earendel system."
"The...what..."
"Just another solar system," it said. "My species is exponentially older than yours. We've migrated to different planets, but we're always searching for new resources. As well as places that support carbon based lifeforms. Essentially I'm-"
"Oh for fucks sake," Barkley scoffed. "I meant the truth about why I'm here. Not your whole goddamn life story."
"Right," the thing nodded. "When my party entered the craft we-"
"Nope!" Barkley interrupted. "I got it from here."
He looked toward Becca, failing to hide his empathy.
"We first spotted ole Steve here when his ship passed Neptune. Scared the shit out of everyone at NASA. Fortunately for us, Steve was the navigator. And as I'm sure you know by now, Steve likes to drink."
"Y-yeah..." Becca stuttered. "It's been an issue."
"Been an issue for him for a while, trust me," Barkley noted. "In any event dumbass here actually clipped the moon during his descent."
"Steve" lowered his head.
"How do you even..." Becca wondered.
"No idea. Lots of room to maneuver," Barkley shrugged. "So, obviously they crash landed in Roswell in 1947. All of the crew died on impact, except for 'Steve' here. We guess that it was because he was drunk. He didn't brace for the impact like everyone else."
"You're the Roswell alien?!" Becca screamed as she twisted her head towards 'Steve.'
"Uhh..." Steve muttered. "I mean...yeah..."
"What the fuck?!"
"What the fuck indeed." Barkley nodded.
"How am I even pregnant?!" Becca howled. "He's a fucking alien...what about, like, DNA and all that."
"Well," Barkley continued. "Oddly enough 'Steve's' species is almost identical to us humans. So much so that we can interbreed. Think Ligers and Tigons and shit."
"Oh those are so cool! You're telling me I'm gonna birth the first human Liger?"
"Tigon...I think."
"Still great!"
"Yeah...not so much. You see, we kept ole 'Steve' here captive for about 70 years before we let him go out and live in the world. Had to be absolutely sure, you know. Lots of rigorous testing to make sure he wouldn't cause any trouble."
"I gave you!" the thing seethed. "All of your technology! Computers, the internet, even video games! And you tortured me in return!"
"Yeah, but we were supposed to be cool after all that, man." Barkley waved his hand. "And we only gave you one damn rule. No breeding!"
"What? Why" Becca asked.
"Because," gloom fell upon Barkley's eyes. "When we tested in vitro fertilization, we found that 'Steve's' species has a particularly horrifying way of birthing itself."
"Birthing itself?"
"Care to elaborate my alien friend."
"We...uhhh..." Steve mumbled. "Well once gestation is complete, we begin eating our way through the uterus, small intestine, muscles, and so on."
"Eating..." Becca whispered. "Which would mean..."
"You're dead by the end of it," Barkley frowned. "But, and I've always wanted to say this."
The agent reached out his hand.
"Come with me if you want to live."
"Yup, fuck all this," Becca grabbed Barkley's hand, pulled herself from the couch and sprinted out the front door.
"Well, 'Steve,' it's been fun." Barkley smiled. "And, I should tell you, the kill squad is just right outside. Bye."