Hi, thank you for your response.

I completely agree with you, and can assure you that I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back.

I have a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, and I think that has made it harder to leave. I am a strong empath and have ended up making excuses and trying to hold on to hope he would change. And I have also felt too ashamed to ask others for advice or admit things weren’t working because people often assume that a psychologist will have all the answers (ironically, I do when working with other people, but it is very different when it’s your personal life, and I don’t want to be psychoanalysing my partner). All of this has left me gradually more and more isolated, and therefore doubting myself constantly.

I have spoken with my partner today and explained that we will be separating. I am now just trying to work things out so that we can split without too much stress or drama.

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond and provide your advice. You are completely right that I need a partner, not a friend that I look after. And it is true that I have made excuses and avoided the truth for too long. Thank you for your help.

You’re right.

Thank you, I may just do that. I’m just so used to doing everything with him. But I need to learn to be independent again and find my confidence. I really appreciate your time and help.

Thank you for your reply.

You’re right. But I feel that it’s a little more complicated than that. It’s my fault for not giving enough detail and explanation in my original post.

My boyfriend had a very tough early life. His mum died suddenly when he was 9, and then his father didn’t really look after him properly. He didn’t have any friends growing up, and became a social recluse with severe social anxiety.

We met at university many years ago, and he was always kind towards me. I am also a bit socially awkward, so we got on really well and became good friends. That eventually developed into a relationship.

He was a lot more functional back then, but things have changed over the years. He became a lot more depressed, dropped out of his masters degree, and then got signed off work long term because he believed he could not work due to his anxiety and low mood. I understood and supported him as best I could, but it has been 6 years and he has developed a lot of really bad, lazy habits now. He is complacent about pretty much everything. I was doing a Doctorate and asked him to help by proof reading my Thesis. He went on and on about how the thesis was stressing him out and adding a burden to his life. I ended up sleeping in the spare room for weeks and just doing the work without discussing it with him. I eventually told him he had upset me, and he apologised. But his behaviour hasn’t really improved. He can change one little thing, but the general behaviour stays the same.

I have to add that he has recently started being assessed for high functioning autism, so it is likely this plays a big part in his behaviours. It makes me question how reasonable/unreasonable my expeditions are all the time. But I also know so many people on the autism spectrum who aren’t rude and entitled like him. So I don’t know. He said I need to be more patient with him. But it has been years. He can be a fun companion, but he doesn’t make me feel secure or happy in the long term. 😔

Thank you for your response.

You are right. But I love him very much and feel I would miss him greatly if we weren’t together. He can be very sweet to me sometimes, it’s just this selfish way of communicating he has that really hurts me. He had a rough childish as he lost his mum very young, and then his Dad was useless. So I don’t think he ever really grew up or learned healthy communication skills. But, I have suggested couples counselling and he doesn’t want to try it. Apparently the reason is because he thinks “you and the counsellor will gang up against me”.

I have put so much into the relationship. We live together, have dogs together, and have years of routines etc that we got used to. I don’t know how I’d cope without him.

Thank you for your reply. I agree with what you have said.

He does see a therapist once a week, although it took years for me to basically force him to start doing this. 😔 He behaves better towards me for about 48 hours after every session, and then returns to his bad habits. I have also noticed that he only ever goes to older, female therapists, and that he loves for them to feel sorry for him and mother him.

I do like/love some things about him. He can be caring and supportive at times, he makes me smile and laugh a lot of the time, and I do believe he loves me. But I have also recently started to resent him a little. I resent that he seems to have no real consequences for any of actions. He can lay there all day, gaming, eating rubbish, and avoiding any kind of social contact. I have to work, walk the dogs, drive us everywhere etc. I feel more like his support worker than his partner. In recent months, I have noticed my mental health and my self care declining massively. I stay in all the time with him, rarely see any friends, and don’t cook much or clean anymore. My life has become oddly comfortable, yet very uncomfortable at the same time. But we’ve been together so long that it feels like he is part of me. As if our lives only exist when together. We live together, have dogs together, and do pretty much everything together. I know this probably sounds pathetic, but I don’t know how to be alone anymore. I am so scared. And I feel like I would miss him very much. I care about him deeply.