"I wanted to extend, to you, an invitation. I'm basically what people from your reality would call a God. Hence the mind reading. We're omniscient. You're somewhat of a legend where I'm from."

Yep that's it, I've finally fuckin lost it

"On the contrary jack, you're about to find the truth"

"Stop fuckin doing that"

"I Can't, you humans think so loudly."

"Okay, so if you're not a hallucination, which I still don't believe, then why are you here, and how are bones that resemble mine in a tree?"

"Oh, they're your bones. Well, not the ones you're using right now, but they have your DNA, your lumpy ass skull, the whole nine yards."

"Okay, why?"

"To prove to you that I was real, jack."

…

" wow, stunned silence, didn't think you were capable of that"

"You don't know what the FUCK I'm capable of!"

"Of course I do Jack, you've been watched since you were born. That's pretty much all we do, watch things."

"So you're a gang of fucking incorporial perverts then! INCORPERVERT!"

"Ah there's that Douglas humor that we've grown so fond of. Listen, i want to ask you to come with me to my dimension."

"And why, pray fuckin tell, would i wanna do that?"

"I'm not your enemy Jack, quite the contrary, in my home, time doesn't move, and we can see into your dimension without being seen unless we want to be. We're ghosts, jack. We're not dead people, we're just people that never were. Not here at least. You see, eternity gets boring, so we shake up our little can of bees sometimes. We're trickster gods, Jack, Loki and the Monkey King, Anansi and Eris, all of them. All us"

"And what does that have to do with me?"

"We think you're fucking hilarious."

"Yeah, well, me too, but what does that have to do with anything?" 

"I think your talents are wasted here jack. A woodworkers suicide note being written to the rythem of Rush's "The trees"? And the fact that they actually bought it? Cmooooon, classic."

"I was so fuckin proud of that one,"

"As you should be, so what do you say jack, want to come wreak havoc as an immortal, omniscient, prankster?"

"Nah, I'll pass.

…

Hah ha! Whose been stunned into scilence this time, fuckin incorpervert!"

"But, why?"

"You said that the shit I do amuses even you guys, right?"

"Yeah,"

"So that means I've made it. I've got even the eyes of the unknown pointed in my direction, everybody knows Jackson motherfuckin Douglas! Why would I need to actually live forever if my name will never be forgotten? All the positives with none of the pain!"

"… you really are an asshole, are you"

"Well if you were watching me, you'd know that, wouldn't you, ecto-cocksucker?"

Good one, jack

"Did you just compliment your own shitty insult in your head?"

"Fuck, I forgot you could do that"

"Let me get this straight though, you, jackson Douglas, would rather stay in this hellhole of an existence as a mortal, then come with me and live forever, fucking with people indiscrinately with no reprocussions?"

"Yep." 

"Wow."

"Yeeeeeep. So, uh, we done here?"

"I'm not taking the bones back"

"Which bones?"

"The ones in the tree."

" Oh I was hoping you wouldn't, imagine the shitstorm after they find my body a second time? Ooooooh, I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do."

"So, um, yeah, I'll see you I guess. You won't see me, as is the nature of things, but, enjoy mortality, or, something"

"Will do"

Man thank christ, or loki, or whatever the fuck is going on, that he's gone, I finally have the best company I can ask for back, my inner monolouge

I should call Heather, she's probably even more passed than she was

'Ring'

'Click'

"You better have a real good expl-"

"I put the bones in the tree. I'm a motherfucking legend!"

"Jack!"

Hell yeah, anther cool 100k in the bank, should be good for a while, I can't keep doing this shit though, otherwise people will get suspicious. I'm running out of excuses, there aren't many more places a 20 something suicidal art school student would have hidden pieces. I still can't believe they bought the old "inside of his childhood mattress" story. Hook, line, and fuckin suckers, all of em. 

Faking my death was the best thing I ever did, these people will buy anything as long as the "Jackson Douglas" signature is legit. Maybe the next one will just be a segment of log with "JD+HC" carved on it with the ol Hancock. People will eat it up.

Thank God Heather agreed to play along, without her these fifteen years of peace wouldn't have been possible, plus she'd probably enjoy a tribute. She deserves one, that's for sure, I don't think I'd be sane if not for her either. Isolation is difficult, having a link to a world I once knew is nice. Even if only for a couple of weekends a month, I wish she'd leave that shitsack already. Mark doesn't deserve her. 

I feel some celebration is in order. Jack, meet Jack. Oh, here comes my old buddy Weiser, and his parther, Jimmy beam, oooooh Jack drinks alone-"

"This just in, The remains of one Jackson Douglas, well known woodworker, whose posthumous works have been selling for hundreds of thousands at recent auctions, have been found inside of a sycamore tree this morning."

What the fuck?

 "Yes, ladies and gentelmen, you heard that correctly, his skeleton, positively identified by dental records, was found inside the heartwood of a sixteen year old tree this morning, cut up into two inch by four inch sections before anyone noticed anything awry, raising even more questions than his outlandish suicide note."

No it wasn't, my skeleton is placed firmly within my flesh, where I left it,

"How had the tortured artist accomplished this preposperous stunt?"

I haden't, I left a dumb fucking note, and an accomplice who had corroborated that I was depressed,

"Had Heather Collins, his on again off again lover, helped a hopeless man hang himself over a sycamore sprout almost two decades ago to fulfill some sort of macabre vision?"

 No, God damn it, need to call her, now.

"How are his parents taking the news of the discovery of their long lost son, after so long of searching?"

God damn it fingers, find her fucking number

"Find out more, tonight at 10, with jigsaw Jim, only on 104.2 FM, Your hub for metal an-"

'Ring"

'Ring'

'Click'

"Jack, how and why the fuck did you even do that? Do you realize they're probably going to open an investigation? I'm going to be questioned, Jack, Jesus, out of all of the stupid fucking things that you've tried to call art-"

"I see you have the news on"

"Yeah, and you could have at least fuckin warned me before you pulled a stunt like that, jackass!"

"Ah, pulling out our old college nicknames are you? Well, feather, while I'm flattered that you believe me creative enough to dream up this arboreal art piece, it wasn't me. I was hoping it was you."

"And exactly what incentive would I have to putting a Skeleton inside of a tree trunk, after carving it's teath to exactly resemble your mouth, and how would I even know how to do that?" 

"I dunno, I figured your tongue had explored my mouth enough that you could shape it from memory. As for incentive, i don't know, to fuck with me?"

"Jack, can you get your head out of your ass for like five FUCKING minutes"

"okay, sorry"

"So… you really didn't do it?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

"No, you've done a lot of other things, but 

you've never lied to me. If you didnt do it though, how do you explain the bones?"

"They fucked up, how the hell could they get a good dental imprint if the skill was chopped into boards-"

"Jack, it has the titanium rod that's in your arm"

What?

"And the serial number matches yours"

The fuck…

"Jack?"

I don't feel good…

"Jackson! Answer me"

" I'll call you back later, hea, I'm gonna puke."

"God damn it Jackson, have you been drinking again? Don't you hang up on m-"

'Click'

Garbage can, get over here, I've gotta get this poison out of me, I have to be hallucinating or something, holy shit this isn't happening.

"I'm afraid it is, jackson" 

HOLY SHIT SOMEONE IS IN MY HOUSE, KNIFE, JACK, TOP RIGHT-

"That won't be necessary Jack, you couldn't hurt me if you tried."

Wait, I didn't say that out loud, this has to be another delusion

"Oh, I'm as much delusion as as that cold steel you've just pulled from the drawer Jack."

"Bullshit!"

'Slash'

What the fuck, I can see him, and hear him, and even feel his breath, but I can't touch him.

"That's because I'm only partly on this plane, jack"

"what the fuck does that even mean, douchebag? And how am i supposed to believe that you're not just the booze finally frying my-"

"I put you in the tree."

What

[CONTINUED BELOW]