Tomato_potato_ t1_jdouzp8 wrote

“No?” she tried, still a little hopeful.

“Listen, we still have the ladder set up. Either come to the window or…”

“Alright, alright” she said unhappily. She slowly stood up and looked outside.

The three men were standing at the base of the ladder.The knight held a long scroll with what appeared to her to be a portrait. When he saw her, he held up the portrait in triumph and pointed to it with his other finger.

“Aha!” he said “the princess is not here is she! Then why do you resemble this exact portrait of her! And don’t try to tell me this portrait is wrong! We had this drawn at the Witch’s All-Seeing Eye and also Affordable Headshots Coven.”

The prince could not really make out the figure on the portrait, but she had heard of the Witch’s All-Seeing Eye and also Affordable Headshots Coven, so she assumed that it resembled her.

“Well” she started desperately “you don’t know-”

“Enough!” the knight said. “We know it’s you. There is no need for further lies, princess. You need not fear us. In fact, you will find our arrival gives you much reason to rejoice! For I am the 18th prince of the assistant to the Lord of Shrubbery Upkeep of the Eastern Half of the Lower Frozen Ring.”

He sank to one knee and raised one hand to her.

“And I am here, to win your hand in marriage, and thereby take control of you lands and your es-”

“Shhh” one squire quickly said.

“Not yet, sire, not yet!” the other whispered.

“Ju-just to win your hand in marriage. Thats it. For you are so fair and such. Possibly even one of the most fair maidens in the all the lands, maybe.”

She had been worried that he might be here on such business. These suitors dug in like a tick. To his credit, thus far he had been the most polite, calmest, and best smelling (and by that she could not smell him yet, which was an improvement) suitor thus far. She was never certain how to let these men down gently.

“No thank you” she tried, though by now she had no hope of this working.

“No thank you what?” the knight said.

“No thank you to your proposal. I mean, its very kind of you. Thank you! But no thank you. You can go back now. Please?”

The knight raised his finger at her.

“I have heard of your reputation princess. Do you intend to turn down noble suitors all your life. Let the man before me have been the last. Least you end up alone for all your life. Is that what you want?”

“Well, actually, I’m not alone,” she said, rubbing her hands together nervously. “I have my pet dragon, Myran. He’ll be back any minute now.”

The three men looked at each other. Then they looked back at her.

“Your what?” the knight.

“My pet dragon, Myran. He’s a-”

“Yes, that's what I thought you said” and then he fell over, howling with laughter. The two squires joined him.

“A fucking dragon”

“-Of all the stupid-”

“What a dumb broad”

“No, he’s real. Actually, you need to leave before-” she began.

“Before he gets here and eats us…right right. Enough lies from you princess. We’ll do it the old fashioned way”

The knight turned to one of his squires. 

“Go get the sack.”

“Oh yes, sire” the man said eagerly. Then he went back to the pile where their supplies lay.

The princess brought both hands to her lips and screamed,“MYRAN! HURRY! PLEASE!”

The knight brought one hand to his mouth and shouted mockingly “Yes, Myran, hurry! Come here and eat us!”

The squire returned with a brown sack that was stained with something that looked eerily like dried blood. The knight had one hand on the ladder, when something like a drumbeat sounded in the sky.

The knight turned his head and looked into the sky, to see where the sound came from.

“Oh lord” he said.

The princess turned away from her window, and closed her eyes and covered her ears. She always hated this part. But at least she would have a chance to spend time with Myran.

After he had a chance to digest.


Tomato_potato_ t1_jdouy91 wrote

Suddenly she sprang to her feet, rushed to her window, thrust her head out, and immediately came face to face with knight who was, at that moment, clearly more preoccupied with the dangers of ladder climbing rather than the unforeseen, but equally important dangers of socially anxious damsels rushing you while you climb said ladder.

“No thank you!” she said in a voice much more shrill and much, much louder than she intended.

“Ahh!” he said back. And with that, he went tumbling down the ladder while she ducked back down to her original position below the window.

After her heart had slowed to a pace that didn't threaten to break open her chest, she relaxed enough to gather her thoughts. The man had taken quite a tumble off the ladder. If he had injured or perhaps even killed himself, she realized with guilty hopefulness, she might not have to talk with him (almost certainly in the latter, though strange things do happen).

She risked another peak over the window. To her chagrin, the man did not appear to be injured, dead, or undead. In fact, he was already back on his, cursing in a dark tone, while his two squires beat the grass from his garments.

She ducked back down. Well, you don’t know…perhaps he-

But she had not time to think of another half-hearted excuse, when a voice called out in a strangely soothing tone

“Hello! Hello! Is this the heavenly estate of the 9th Princess of the Lord Commander of Waterlandia and other Waterpark Activities? ”

This was indeed her estate, and she was indeed the 9th princess of the Lord Commander of Waterlandia and other Waterpark Activities. She briefly considered not answering his challenge. But then, another idea came to her. One that struck her as being, pretty kinda good, actually.

She stuck her head above the window and began to splutter.

“No, I’m not here- I mean I’m not her- she isn’t here. This isn’t her castle. Sorry about that!”

Then she ducked back down beneath the window and held her breath.

“This isn’t her castle?”

“Nope!” she called out, not bothering to get up.

“Tell me” the voice said, and a bit of an attitude crept into it, so that the princess began suspect there was a flaw in her plan “tell me, do you know what the sigil of the 9th Princess of the Lord Commander of Waterlandia is?”

“Nope” she lied.

“It is a ferret lying on its back, curled in a circle, biting its own testicles.”

That was indeed her sigil. She was quite nervous now, and chose not to reply further. She had a feeling he was setting a trap, she might as well let him spring it.

After several moments passed the voice resumed, more haughty than before.

“Do you know which sigil currently occupies the space above your front gate?”

Damn, she thought, why have I never thought to take that down. I could have replaced it a long time ago with a sign that says “very sick, very contagious maidens within, definitely not suitable for marriage” or something.

It was too late for that. She had better think of something. She wracked her brain desperately and came up with nothing. She tried again desperately, and came up with nothing good. Still, she gave it a shot.

“Well I-

“It is a ferret lying on its back, curled in a circle, biting its own testicles!” the voice roared in mixture of savage vindication and somewhat forced indignation. The princess could hear the voices of the squires now.

“No, no sire, not like that-”

“-The hurricane breaks on the mountainside, sire, but the gentle wind carves canyons with time-”

They continued on like this for sometime. The princess waited in silence, terrified. Finally, the voice called out again, much more silky this time, but with just the tiniest hint of menace.

“Well, well have you nothing to say dear?”

When she spoke again, her voice was shaky.

“I-I was saying that, yes, that is her sigil and it is on this castle, but this isn’t her castle. Technically, this castle belongs to her father-”

–someone below made a “hmph” sound-

“-and anyways, she isn’t here right now.”

“Well, when does she come back?”

“Never?” the princess tried hopefully, though by now she knew they wouldn’t be leaving so easily. She heard them muttering amongst themselves. After a few moments, the voice called out again

“Could you come out where we could see you? I only had a cursory glance at you, my dear.”


Tomato_potato_ t1_jdouviz wrote

She began to wring her hands nervously. She could hear them making a great clattering noise outside. The sounds of steel armor, and those of the large, sweaty men they incased.

Oh dear, oh dear she thought, how on earth do these men keep finding me?

She hated dealing with these kinds of situations. They made her…well, nervous doesn’t even begin to describe it. The last social interaction she had, had her left sweating profusely from every pore, with sweat running down the sides of her cheeks like tears. Every breath she had taken was labored and short as though a vice crushed her chest.

And that had been with the castle caretaker, bringing a fresh supply of food as he did every week! The last time he visited, he had dropped off the food at the front gate before heading off in his rickety wagon. Then, while she crept outside to begin bringing in the packs of dried berries and salted meat, he turned his head and made eye contact with her.

She had turned to flee, immediately tripped over her dress with enough force to give herself a bloody nose, sprang up in a wondrous plume of dust and pink fabric, and then practically dove back into the castle.

She sighed, as she often did when memories of such nature forced their way to the forefront of her brain. I was just starting to get used to him too, she thought.

More crashing and banging, followed by a whirlwind of swearing. They were clearly unloading something. Her heart pounding, she crept to the stone window at the edge of her room and peered outside.

There they were. Out on the grassy knoll that surrounded her castle. One knight, two squires. The knight had a complete set of black armor, above which he wore a wondrous garment with a design of vibrant pink and white squares, which she did enjoy looking at. Atop his helm sat fluffy pink plume, which she also did enjoy.

What she did not enjoy was the equipment they were putting together on the grass below. It should be noted that “they” did not include the knight, who stood glistening in the sun, while his squires huffed and puffed before him. They were clearly putting together some sort of ladder.

She ducked back down beneath her window and hid with her back to the wall and her hands wrapped around her knees. She had already begun trembling, she noted with dismay.

Outside, the sounds of working continue. Occasionally, she heard what she assumed was the knight offering words of encouragement, such as “faster you sloths” and “do you intend to finish today or next week”.

Alright, she thought to herself, this is it. This is the moment we talked about. You swore, you swore you would say something the next time someone tried this. Its time now. Lets go.

At this point, she began to do absolutely nothing for several moments.

Well she thought, let's not be too hasty. You don’t know what could happen. Perhaps they forgot to bring a piece of the ladder? That way, they won't be able to finish it and I won’t even have to…

“Finished sire!” a voice called out, to which another replied with a rather nasty tone “and today too! Do you two think you could handle bringing it to the window or should we just give up here and now?”

That last phrase gave her a tiny glimmer of hope. However, these hopes were quickly dashed when, instead of making sounds of agreement and departure, the other two voices made the strained and perhaps overdone sounds of two men lifting a very, very heavy ladder while their boss lackadaisical watched them.

Alright, better now than never, she thought. Knees, do your thing.

Instead of assisting her in getting up, as she intended, they continued to remain huddled against her chest with her arms wrapped around them. It was a position she found quite comfortable, especially in comparison to getting up and dealing with the problem that, by the sound of it, was getting closer and closer to her window.

Well, you don’t know. Perhaps they brought a ladder too short? Happens to the best of us. They’ll just have to go home in that case. And I won’t have to say a…

There was a horrible banging noise on the window above her that sent her scampering on all fours across the velvet carpet of her room to the wall on the other side. When she turned around, the two top feet of a ladder were sitting at her windowsill, and a pair of metal hooks at their tips had swung around to fasten themselves to her wall.

Well, she thought to herself desperately, well you don’t know. You don’t know. Maybe he is too fat or something…but already the ladder was shaking, as though a well armored man was climbing it with impressive pace.

She thought she might vomit. The vice was crushing her chest. The sweat was pouring down in the rivets. She was shaking.

If he comes through the window, it's over. You have to do something now. Myran isn’t here to save you. You have to do something now. If you don’t, he’ll get in here and you’ll have to speak to him while he’s here in the room…