My body suddenly jolted straight up during the prostate exam.

"Is everything OK?" I asked the Dr.

He said, "Yes, your prostate appears to be perfectly healthy."

He gave me two thumbs up.

I asked my girlfriend if she thought I was too insecure.

She clicked the handcuffs a little tighter and said, "There, that's better."

There's a lot of talk about size to please a woman but I've found that my 3 inches can sometimes be enough.

The only question is if it's used for credit or debit.

My ghost buddy seems sad and depressed lately.

I think he's been going through some things.

For years now I've been an unemployed leather worker.

I've got nothing to hide.

I ordered a DIY penis enlargement kit online last year.

Something went wrong with the shipping though and all I got was a magnifying glass.

I once had a girlfriend who borrowed $100 from me. When we broke up 2 years later, she gave me the $100 back.

I lost interest in that relationship.

The other day I showed my daughter my brand new first tattoo.

She said, "Well that was an interesting decision, what is it?"

I told her, "It's my coffee thermos, from work."

"Really?" she asked, leaning in closer to examine. "The lines are OK, I guess..."

I promptly swatted her hand away, "Hey now, don't touch the thermos tat."

Police Chief: "What happened to this group of crows?"

Investigator: "It was a murder."

Police Chief: "Right, what happened to this murder of crows?"

Investigator: "It was a murder."

Police Chief: "Are you sure?"

Investigator: "We have probable cahs."

A CIA agent is sent on an undercover spy mission to Moscow under Soviet rule.

He visits a grocery store and notes in his diary, "There is no food."

He then visits a clothing store and notes in his diary, "There are no shoes."

As he's leaving the store a KGB agent stops him outside. The KGB agent says, "You know just a few years ago we would have shot you for this kind of activity."

The CIA agent notes in his diary, "There are no bullets."

The Romans always brought a bucket of bleach to their crucifixions.

It's important to prevent cross contamination.

My wife hates it when people find out I work for the post office.

I tell them I'm a mail escort.

My wheelchair using girlfriend broke up with me.

She said I pushed her around and was talking too much behind her back.

So I stole her wheelchair.

She'll come crawling back.

One Christmas Eve after a bit too much egg nog, my father put Snowballs in the blender to make a smoothie.

I really miss Snowballs, he was a good cat.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's favorite song is actually by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Higher Ground.

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead.

Now completely stranded the priest said, "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father," replied the nun. "In fact, I don't think we can last more than day or two out here."

"I agree," answered the priest. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you mind doing something for me?"

"Anything father." replied the nun.

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

The nun hesitated, "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." She opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" he asked.

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

The nun asked, "Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"Well under the circumstances, I suppose that would be OK." the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he became quite aroused.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?" asked the nun.

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here."

A lawyer dies and wakes up in heaven.

He's greeted at the gates by St. Peter himself.

The lawyer says, "What happened? I'm in good health and wasn't in an accident. I'm too young to die. I'm only 50!"

St. Peter says, "Well by looking at our records you're 87. That's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "87! You're way off, how did you get that number?"

St. Peter says, "We added up your client billing time sheets."

I found a zoo online and loaded up the whole family to take a day trip there.

When we arrived it was quite disappointing to learn the only animal in the whole place was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

My buddy says he never shaves his pubes for sexual purposes but doesn't want to specifically say why.

I think he's just beating around the bush.

I said to my physician, "Dr., I've really got to lose some weight. I'm huge, my dad is huge, my mom is huge and my sisters are huge. This terrible burden of obesity runs in my family."

He said, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

The husband yells into the darkness, "Pump your fucking legs, mate!"

Like Charlie Sheen always says, "When life gives you lemons, make lemon-AIDS."

I finally came out and told my father I was trans.

He bluntly replied, "You're not my son anymore."

I said, "Thanks for being so understanding, dad."

A woman travels to Italy for a work conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs and says, “How about an Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “So how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what about the present you were going to bring me?”

“Which present?” she asks.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!”

“Oh right, well I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”