Okay so I’m coming at this from three ways as a 44F.

1. it’s urine. It’s a cup. You can wash it. I’ve seen far more gross shit in various dishes someone forgot to clean up and left in the fridge or oven or whatever. Like I once boiled a chicken carcass to make broth, put it in the cold basement to cool, fucking forgot it and went on vacay. Found it like 3 mos later in the cubby under my stairs where i had put it. I wasn’t going to toss a $100 stock pot for that. Note that I have horses and dogs and do wildlife rescue so there’s shit in my house that has been used on the farm and not much grosses me out. The only thing I won’t let anyone reuse is a thermometer if I’ve put it up the butt of one of the animals.

2. why the fuck is he urinating in a cup? Seriously. I grew up in a house with 6 people and one bathroom. Having to go outside to pee behind the barn in an emergency was a thing. But in a cup?

3. why is his story changing? Just be honest!

I dunno. 2 and 3 would be my focus. Odd behavior and weird lies.

Therapy?

Not sure why you’d put inanimate objects in priority over the dogs but…here we are. Maybe I’m nuts but when our dogs need out they need out. Not in 5 min, now.

The yelling thing bugs me too—like if you want to speak to me, come to where I am, don’t holler at me from wherever else in the house. My partner did that at first but is respectful about it now.

Kind of seems to me you guys should do some couples counseling and find a better path forward.

I’d stop going out with them. They’re assholes. If you don’t want to go back to the same place and have someone spitting in your burger, ditch these asshats.

Why do you feel you need to pay for their retirement or medical care? If they’re in the US for example, they can get Medicaid and Medicare to cover their medical and assisted living or skilled nursing. You don’t have to swoop in financially and honestly shouldn’t.

I’ve dealt with similar and while I’ve helped my mother and grandmother organize things, I am not paying their way. You are not their retirement plan. Live your life.

“Dude I think you’re super cool but for my own health and safety, I’m kind of particular and want to be with someone with good hygiene. What that means to me is clean clothes, bathed, clean hair, teeth, ears, etc. I don’t really know how else to say it more kindly but you need to work on that if we are going to pull this off.”

Your standards aren’t nuts by any stretch. Maybe he was never taught, maybe he doesn’t have money for a dentist…who knows but it’s a deal breaker for you and would be for most people id hope.

He said he’d figure it out. How is that passive aggressive?

You made your stance clear. He needs to organize his own transportation. He has now said he will.

Take your trip and relax! You deserve it! Adding several hours of driving wouldn’t appeal to me either. That doesn’t make you a jerk.

I was kind of in your shoes when I was I college. Here’s the thing…all of us ladies are still friends 20+ years later and not one of us thinks about weddings anymore as we all realized those are just snapshots in time and hell—most of them are divorced and remarried at this point.

Do what you want to do. Feel your feelings. I personally would not put in the same level of effort for Sarah as Elizabeth though.

She’s not obligated to have anyone in her wedding party that she doesn’t want to. What you know now is that she doesn’t consider you as close of a friend as you thought you were. That’s okay but it also means you don’t need to go all out—you’re just a guest. Behave as a guest.

I wouldn’t go on a cross country bachelorette trip to begin with—that’s too much money in my mind. But I’d go to the wedding and get $50 gift or whatever. An engraved photo frame with their wedding date or something like that.

I’m a fan of his/hers/ours where we each put in to “ours” to cover shared expenses like rent, utilities, etc based on % of total income then the rest of our earnings goes to our personal accts.

I make a lot more than my partner so I pay more. I also do all of the groceries, cover the vacations, and cover any big house expenses like…new stove or new furniture or whatever.

My partner covers his credit card, stuff for his kiddo, his vehicles, etc. I cover my student loans, credit card, horse/dog expenses, etc.

I don’t think it would be fair in my (44F) situation to have my partner paying 50/50 when I make so much more. And I don’t feel like his money should go to my hobbies and expenses and I don’t want to pay for his if I’m honest.

Everyone is different but this works for us and it makes things so easy! If I want to go buy a horse trailer or he wants a new boat, we don’t even have to discuss it really.

That’s a fun twist on reality. You don’t “let him” do chores. 😂

I’m just envisioning you telling him “oh honey, don’t take out the trash or sweep the floor. I want to do all the chores myself!” Good lord. If that’s true, I’ve got ocean front property for him in Arizona. 🙄

Not only has he mastered weaponized incompetence, he’s blaming YOU for it. Have him read this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

And call his bluff. As him to write out a chore chart and sign himself up.

I don’t like passive aggressive stuff so I would just be direct. “Babe, you said that you want to do more so let’s see about a solution here. Why don’t you write up a chore chart and we can divide things up. Im used to doing pretty much all the stuff because I don’t like waiting til it’s overwhelming and I don’t want the emotional labor of directing you like a child. So make the list of what you perceive to be the needed things, then let’s review it together and I’ll add my input and then we can get the division of labor more balanced.”

What advice are you after? I’d have been gone a long time ago. You can do better than this shit show.

Your husband sounds like an abusive asshole. Ya know, it’s the fucking law to pay people. They could go to the labor board or similar depending on state and file complaints and get you guys sued and shut down. And him yelling at you is bullshit.

Have you talked about this with your therapist? Just because someone isn’t hitting you doesn’t mean they’re not abusive. My partner had never yelled at me. Ever. And he’d get to do that precisely one time.

Something that stuck out for me (44F) was they she’s seeing doctors and a therapist and things aren’t improving AND she isn’t doing the hard work of actively pursuing work. Has she been screened for ADHD? I didn’t get diagnosed until my 40’s and for years was being treated for anxiety and depression—nothing was working well because my anxiety and depression were secondary to the ADHD. I had so much self hate and had to use so much energy to get even simple things done.

Whether it’s ADHD or mental health though, these are reasons, not excuses.

You need to very clearly communicate to her how you are feeling. Not what she needs to do but how YOU feel and why. She may not realize how much this impacting your mental health. She needs to go get a job now. Today. McDonalds, the corner convenience store—whatever. She can keep looking for the ideal position and be bringing in some money.

Then let her be done and get her out of there so you’re not dealing with her drama and lack of employment. Why the hell couldn’t she fill the cat feeders since she’s home on her ass all day? Seems to me that she is just picking fights out of boredom or needing to feel in control.

She sounds like a real PITA with her sketchy employment history and communication approach.

Yeah. Sounds like he’s burning the candle at both ends and just konks out when he has a moment to rest.

I am not a particularly romantic or emotional person. I’m an engineer. That might be a reason, it’s not an excuse. But seriously, I just don’t think about some of these things. I love my partner very much and he’s a wonderful human. But like when he called this morning? My first thought was “oh no, something is wrong!” Because in my mind, why would he call if there wasn’t a problem or he forgot some gear I need to bring up tomorrow. LOL I’m more of a functional/efficient communicator where I reach out when I need something, not “just because”.

People are people-y. We are all different. In a healthy relationship though, we ask for what we want and we get to give what our partner needs. We are all works in progress!

Good luck!

You’ve gotta use your words babe. You have to ask for what you want. Very few people have psychic abilities. But most people will adjust their behavior for someone they love if they know precisely what is expected.

He sounds like a sweetheart and I’m sure if he knows what you want he will try.

Life is too short to accept mediocre to bad sex. It’s such bullshit that so many young women especially feel like sex is for their partner, not for them, and just accept this inequitable nonsense. I had shitty sex like that where I was basically a human flesh light and my pleasure didn’t matter til I finally dated someone with some skill who cared about my pleasure too. Since then? I’ve still had some mediocre sex but even with a partner who was really trying? I ended things since we couldn’t get aligned in the bedroom.

Your partner isn’t even trying. At all. He’s insecure (no toys? What? He might like them too!), he won’t see a doctor or therapist for his SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION, he won’t pleasure you and doesn’t care about your pleasure.

Girl? If I (44F) could go back and tell my 16-25 YO self to DTMFA for the shitty sex, I would. So telling you—it’s okay to want to be sexually compatible.

Well for sure don’t marry him. Seems like this isn’t a good fit. You could try therapy, talk to your doctor, etc but this doesn’t sound like it’s “just” a libido thing. Not that sexual incompatibility isn’t important—it is—I mean that it seems like the whole package is problematic and not meeting your needs.

So…what has he said when you’ve discussed this?

You sound a lot like my partner and I’m more like your boyfriend. And we are mid 40’s. Like…he left last night to go to our cabin and called this morning just to say good morning and I love you. That’s how he is. It wouldn’t even occur to me if he hadn’t told me years ago that he wants us to do good morning/Goodnight when we aren’t together. So he communicated that to me and before we lived together, I literally set an alarm on my phone so I’d remember to do that.

Same with the texts. I only check texts a couple times a day. I have notifications turned off because I find it really distracting when I’m trying to work. In this case, my partner has adapted to me and knows that if it’s emergent/urgent, he should call. Else I’ll reply to texts when I’m taking a break.

I think you just need to communicate what you want/need.

<checks notes> you two are nearly 30 years old and acting like little kids. Good lord. Break up, get some therapy, grow up and then date someone who acts like an adult and not a spoiled, petulant child. She sounds insufferable.

So a year ago, per your post history, you were 25 and dating a 25 YO and worrying about Caitlyn Jenner and asking people if they’d rather be a Reddit mod or have sex with a woman .

So I call troll bullshit.

She’s 25 and not comfortable with sex. Move on. She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend.

I (44F) didn’t get diagnosed until I was 43 after my good friend took her daughter to be tested and we talked about it. Women are under diagnosed as we don’t tend to have the hyperactivity component.

I have struggled my entire life—always very successful but things just take so much effort. I didn’t realize until after I got meds that other people didn’t have to try so hard to do so little. I thought everyone struggled and I was lazy or a procrastinator or dumb or something.

Kicker? I’m a project manager. I’m very organized with work and at home and require routine and structure else things feel really out of control.

It sounds like you’ve kind of gone the other way and just play everything by ear and casual and “it will work out.” Know why you can? Because you had a parent and now a GF picking up after you and organizing things. Most women don’t have that luxury.

I truly am not trying to kick you while you’re down or trying to be an asshole here….it’s just that your post is so…dismissive. Like she should just relax. But what you’re asking is for her to behave like a feral little kid with no rules just like you do. That’s simply not going to work for most people.

If you don’t want to be on a stimulant like aderall, there are other meds like strattera. I’d strongly recommend that you speak to your doctor. And also with your therapist, about some CBT specific to ADHD. There are some pretty basic things you can do like list making, prioritization, breaking things down into smaller tasks, setting timers or alarms, checklists, and so forth. Much of that you can also find online with a Google.

Good luck.

ADHD may be a reason but it’s not an excuse. What are you doing to mitigate your disability? Meds? Therapy? Other strategies?

The stuff you listed isn’t OCD on her part. it’s common sense. I’d lose my shit if someone was putting a glass down without a coaster on one of my coffee tables or my piano. I would be annoyed as hell if my partner was leaving bread crumbs on the floor or not putting shit away or just shoving stuff wherever instead of where it belongs. The kitchen especially is a place where I expect everyone to pick up and put away because I don’t want to have to clean before I can cook or have to go hunting for a specific tool or the damned pot holders when I need them.

I have ADHD so I do understand that basic shit can be hard but again, that’s a reason, not an excuse. Do better or you’re not going to have a GF and place to live. No one wants to feel like a parent to their partner.

Troll better. A 3YO acct and no comments in all that time and only this post? Methinks you delete things. Nothing about this seems real. If it is, you need therapy.