a_burdie_from_hell t1_ja4b3yc wrote

Sick days have always been difficult for me, as I seem to experience a series of confounding complications that cause frustration for my fiancée. She has even declared me to be the worst person to care for when I am under the weather, dubbing my condition the "man-flu". While I acknowledge my role in the problem, sometimes it seems that things around me start breaking down when I am ill, leading to a streak of bad luck that follows me throughout my illness. My car tires may pop, phone chargers may develop kinks, and things may be misplaced. I say the universe treats me as it's favorite clown when I'm sick, my fiancée claims that because I believe the world is working against me, it's causing me to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To address these issues, my fiancée has implemented a new care policy for when I am sick. I am forced into what we call a "lockdown", and must lie in bed or on the couch without moving, lest I tempt more misfortunes. While this may seem strict, my fiancée enforces these rules from a place of love, albeit with a hint of jest when she complains about my "man-flu." Nonetheless, I maintain that the universe will bend rules to it's evil will and complicate my life when I am sick, adding insult to injury.

On one particular day, my man-flu landed me on the couch, where I watched lame horror movies. I found a sense of community in the cliché of watching dumb teens struggle in a reality that wants them tortured too. I prepared myself to call out the jump scare before it happened. Criticizing the predictability of these movies was fun for me. As expected, the main character was a baby sitter who made a flawed choice. She invited her boyfriend over after the kid went to sleep. Naughty naughty... I sensed a repercussion around the corner, and prepared to call it out. The signs were all there. Sounds in the movie became quiet, with occasional clanking of her own movement, and the scenes became darker. I sat up, ready to call out the scare before it happened. She heard a noise from the basement and prepared to check it out. Frustrated, I yelled, "Don't look in the basement! You know it isn't your boyfriend! This is lame movie jumpscare 101!"

Just as I finished my sentence, the babysitter in the movie turned to the camera and said, "If you don't like it, then turn the TV off. Nobody likes an armchair film critic!"

Disbelief set in, and I sat up, fully attentive. Was this real? The babysitter continued, "How's that for a jump scare, jerk? Your fiancee was right! You totally suck when you're sick!"

My blood ran cold. Screaming, I fumbled for the remote, but it was nowhere to be found. The babysitter continued to mock me, and I could hear her laughing on the TV. My fiancée ran into the room, and I flung out of the chair, trying to turn off the TV manually. My fiancée, perplexed, asked what was happening, but I could not articulate my fear. I turned off the TV.

"What the actual fuck! Are you actually that scared of a movie?"

"No! You don't understand, she was talking to me. Mocking me!"

"Ohhh baby... You are really, really sick, huh? You know movies break the fourth wall as a joke sometimes right? Or were you having a bad dream?"

"This wasn't a dream! The world is being weird! The universe is..."

"Kicking you while you're down. Yeah, yeah, I know. You always say it does. Let me guess, it also moved the remote to mock you. Dingus. The remote is literally on the couch still. You were sitting on it. I think we need to cut scary movies out of man-flu lockdowns."

"I'm serious! Turn the TV on and talk to her yourself!"

"I'm not going to entertain this. It's bad enough that you think the world was out to get you before. I literally can't hear you ranting about how the TV hates you too. Please just go to bed and sleep this off. You're actually starting to have me worried."

As badly as I wanted to make her see my point, I resigned myself. I thought, "this is just a continuation of the universe mocking me, nobody will believe me."

Sickly and defeated, I stumbled back to bed. I'll feel better soon, and then the world can quit playing these games.