Thanks for sharing. Seems a bit like what Shawn Achor talks about in wiring the brain towards happiness. Train the brain to look for opportunities instead of catastrophes, and it will notice more opportunities over time.

Susan David's work on Emotional Agility has been critical in learning how to grieve and process my emotions, instead of bottling (avoidance) or brooding (rumination). I endured a lot of emotional neglect and it really fucked me up, I had to learn how to grieve as an adult.

>"99% of the universe is fluids, the remaining 1% is just details"

I like that. I live somewhere with huge tides, whirlpools, microclimates, and the fluid dynamics here is stunning to witness.

Added to the list! Sounds awesome!

What is Spiritual Bypassing?

There's some interesting science going on around regulation and the brain. My therapist specializes in infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback and his colleagues are finding our brains have a "set point" that the ISFN helps the brain learn to get back to and regulate around. Trauma disrupts the brain's ability to regulate itself optimally.

It also seems that secure attachment throughout our lifetime is a huge component of mental health. There is a lot of data on attachment theory that's replicable and solid. The issue is people not putting that science into practice.

If you're doing it with intention and focus, yes. Yoga is a "moving meditation".

Yes. Breath work is literally mindfulness meditation.

>"One conscious breath in and out is a meditation." - Eckhart Tolle

What about operant conditioning? Do people have "free will" if their behaviors are unconscious incompetence or unconscious competence? What about trauma responses for folks with PTSD?

If someone is outside their window of tolerance, the prefrontal cortex goes offline and their lower brain regions take over. The person experiencing it feels like their body "took over" until the prefrontal cortex comes back online. Sometimes folks have enough bandwidth to consciously practice a regulation exercise to help their prefrontal cortex come back online faster, but it takes training and practice to accomplish. (See polyvagal theory: Stephen Porges and Deb Dana)

I think the author is unfamiliar with the concept of "shared pool of meaning". Part of interacting is comparing our individual pool of meaning with another to see where we match or don't and going from there to refine our shared pool of meaning in order to coordinate.

Context, nuance, and circumstances always matter.

If I ask someone to "describe water". It might seem like an "easy" task. But the complexity become apparent when we think more broadly. You might describe it by it's chemical formula H2O. You might describe how it behaves under various circumstances (boils at 100°C and freezes at 0°C - under "normal" atmospheric pressure, at sea level, on Earth - those temps are different at elevation or on another planet with different atmospheric conditions) and if someone isn't familiar with the Celsius scale, those number wouldn't "mean" anything to them. There is prerequisite knowledge that builds off other prerequisite knowledge, which is why advanced classes often have prerequisites to make sure the learner has a foundational understanding of the underlying concepts before building upon that foundation.

This is why science gets documentation. It allows us to expand our collective shared pool of meaning beyond our lifetimes and update our understanding as we build upon those foundational tenets.

Learning how to learn pays dividends over your lifetime.

Four Stages of Competence

You're talking about having healthy Boundaries, which is the "B" in the BRAVING acronym in "The Anatomy of Trust" video.

I have a professional relationship with my therapist, which has professional boundaries that we are both agreeing to engage around. It's a real relationship, the boundaries of which are more strictly defined as a way to manage both of our expectations, so we can coordinate together with fewer "trust wobbles", as Francis Frei puts it. There's also an agreed upon decorum for healthy conflict between us. All of which fall under boundaries.

eta: the authoritarian follower personality is more likely to think of respect in a twisted way:

>Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”

> and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”

> and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.

Those are the folks we need to separate ourselves from as they are often abusers, enablers, and bullies.

Feel free to browse through my comment history. I've been working on my healing in earnest for the past four years (since the fog of denial finally shattered). I've collected a bunch of resources and got lucky with a very knowledgeable and experienced trauma therapist. I'm actually seeing progress from implementing healing strategies and modalities based on neuroplasticity, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory.

There's also an option to "not play" and walk away, which is often the only viable strategy when dealing with someone strong in narcissistic tendencies/behaviors. (Depending on the power structure involved. If someone has power over another, it means they may not have the agency to walk away. Power-to, power-with, power-within also exist and can change how much agency the "players" have.)

With human interactions, I find choosing trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors that build secure attachment, actually build secure attachment over time (shocker!). Whereas, untrustworthy, dehumanizing, behaviors are disconnecting and destroy secure attachment (aka devolve into normalized abuse, neglect, and dehumanization - for example, emotional neglect is normalized and widespread across the globe). I continue to interact with others that choose trustworthy re-humanizing behaviors and I stop interacting with people that choose untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors as the patterns emerge.

These are the trust metrics I use:

The Trust Triangle - authenticity, empathy, logic (what we say and how we say it)

The Anatomy of Trust - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym

10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors - these erode trust

I take each trust metric and ask myself:

Am I allowing others to be authentic? Are they allowing me to be authentic? (aka no racism, sexism, homophobia, etc)

Am I being empathetic towards myself and others? Are they reciprocating empathy or are they being abusive, neglectful, and dehumanizing?

Are they using logic, science, data, etc, or are they lying, being coercive, manipulative, etc? (No verbal abuse, emotional abuse, no coercive control, etc)

Am I setting and respecting reasonable boundaries? Does the other person respect boundaries or do they need to be protected from bc they ignore boundaries?

Etc, down the line through all twenty trust metrics.

I had to escape an abusive family and culture of origin. My perspectives on trust are heavily biased by my experiences in the world, having endured child abuse. I needed guidelines for which behaviors actuality build trust bc I had terrible examples to compare to. And most people say they're trustworthy, and choose untrustworthy behaviors on the regular. Often it's unsafe to be authentic bc of the implication of "or else!" The toxic system feigns "niceness" as long as you conform. As soon as you do something they don't like (aka don't take the abuse like a good little prisoner) the implied threat of "or else!" kicks in, sometimes literally. The toxic person/group will then abuse, neglect, and dehumanize the target to coerce them back into the toxic rules of the system. In many cases, the safest option is to stay quiet, fly under the radar, and plot an exit strategy. Abusers aren't gonna change, and they most definitely don't play fair or act in good faith. The only thing we can do is separate ourselves from them. It's like war games. When it comes to abusers, the only way to win is not to play. If the people with positional power are the abusers, well leave that group, plot an escape, go undercover and underground. It's a waste of time, energy, and effort to engage an abuser.

Books on attachment theory - what helps us thrive as human mammals, and communication skills/strategies:

"Becoming Attached - first relationships and how they shape our capacity to love" by Robert Karen. This is a deep dive on attachment theory.

"Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. Communication strategies based on adult attachment theory research.

"NonViolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. This is a compassionate communication framework based on: observations vs. evaluations, needs, feelings, and requests to have needs met. Revolutionary coming from a dysfunctional family and culture of origin.

"Emotional Agility" by Susan David and books by Stephen Porges and Deb Dana on polyvagal theory, regulation skills, and window of tolerance. Often abuse occurs when people are outside their window of tolerance and lash out.

I wonder how Jaak Paksapp's work on affective neuroscience fits into this?

All of us can (individually and collectively) actively practice trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors that build secure attachment; and call out untrustworthy, dehumanizing disconnecting behaviors that undermine secure attachment. Here are the resources I use:

The Trust Triangle

The Anatomy of Trust - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym

10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors - these erode trust

"Emotional Agility" by Susan David. Endlessly helpful in learning how to grieve and process my emotions.

"NonViolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. This is a compassionate communication framework based on: observations vs. evaluations, needs, feelings, and requests to have needs met. Revolutionary coming from a dysfunctional family and culture of origin.

"Crucial Conversations tools for talking when stakes are high" I use "physical and psychological safety" and "shared pool of meaning" all the time.

"Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. Communication strategies based on adult attachment theory research.

"Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. He was the lead FBI hostage negotiator and his tactics work well on setting boundaries with difficult people.

"Should" falls into what's called "imperative thinking" - should, have to, must, ought to, etc. (What Dweck would call "fixed mindset") Then the question becomes should, according to whom? and based on which criteria and under which circumstances?

My personal criteria is : does the behavior create secure attachment or undermine secure attachment? (See attachment theory: "Becoming Attached - first relationships and how they shape our capacity to love" by Robert Karen)

I've found trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors build secure attachment and untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors lead to disconnection and destroy secure attachment. These are the guidelines I use around trust:

The Trust Triangle - Authenticity, Empathy, Logic (what we say and how we say it)

The Anatomy of Trust - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym

10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors - these erode trust

I try to choose behaviors that build trust and foster secure attachment. It's a strategy that seems to be paying dividends. My interpersonal relationships are much better and I feel much better, too bc I'm choosing behaviors that align with my values.

I try to focus on the things I can control and grieve the things I can't.

Things I can control:

• Join a local charity that helps support the local ecosystem and volunteer or donate. (Maine Land Trust Network)

• get involved in local government related to the environment (recycling, bringing in EV stations, weatherproofing, grants for green energy projects, etc.) Maine Community Resilience Partnership

• I spend a lot of time in the woods and at the beach, so I always bring a bag with to carry out trash I find along the way.

• landscape for native plants, compost, install green energy (heat pumps, solar, wind, geothermal)

• spend eco and local whenever possible

I might not make a dent, but at least I can sleep at night.

The Way It Grows does landscape design focused on native plants and sustainable agriculture; if you're looking for help with the design portion.

I recently listened to Mel Brooks' "All About Me!". If you're a fan of his work, it's worth a listen. I liked hearing his stories in his voice.

They're very pretty when alive. There are red, purple, and brown ones on the beach near me at low tide. They have tiny little feelers/feet on the bottom that helps them bring sand and food into their center mouth area, and move them along the ocean floor.

Here's a cool little video about them.

Victims are conditioned by their abuser to blame themselves. It's an effective manipulation tactic.

This is awesome!

I feel the same way about my yoga practice. I've been practicing for over a decade. When I first started, it took me six months of regular practice to balance on one leg. Today in class I was reminded that no matter how long I take between classes my yoga practice taught me to move more gracefully and intentionally through the world, both physically and psychologically.

And I love how this combines reading with leveling up a skill! Thank you!

Look into Jaak Paksap's work on affective neuroscience. PLAY is one of the core brain systems he defined in his work.

People often mistake limerence (which is objectification) for love. They objectify the person they "love" and justify their behaviors bc of the feelings they're experiencing (every stalker ever). Often bc they lack psychological differentiation and emotional regulation skills.