“Well, no, but it is…” the scientist gestures grandly over the splattered blue paste before him “…diet toothpaste.”

“Hm. Diet toothpaste?”

“Yes!” He sputters, unable to hide his anticipation through his hazmat helmet. “Big Chompers Original Toothpaste, now packed with explosive flavor guaranteed to curb the worst of your cravings.”

He nods thoughtfully to himself and crosses his arms across his chest, a Rolex the price of a single family home peeking out from his sleeve. “Tell me more.”

The scientist is momentarily stunned by his boss’s intrigue, but doesn’t hesitate to hustle his new invention. “Have you ever brushed your teeth, only to feel defeated knowing you’d have to brush them again after eating fattening, sugary foods?”

“The law of diminishing returns,” he waves his hand impatiently, “sure, go on.”

The scientist thrusts a tube of toothpaste into the air, “Beef stew! Filet mignon! Chicken hibachi!” He waves it around triumphantly. “Big Chompers Original Toothpaste, the same brand Americans have trusted for over 50 years, now here to help you get that body beach-party ready!”

The toothpaste explodes, releasing a puff of broccoli and cheese smell. Blue specks flecked across the man’s Rolex.

“Are there vegan options?”

“Absolutely.”

“We’ll put it through trial.”

I’m cutting out soda/sugary drinks from my diet for the 500th time in my life and reminded that there aren’t a lot of options for a healthy drink that isn’t just plain water.

(USA!USA!USA!)