A famous professor of surgery died and went
to heaven.
At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper: "Have you ever
committed a sin you truly regret?"
"Yes," the professor answered sadly. "When I was a young candidate at
the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the
Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the
referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match and the
tournament. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is
having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the ugly cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"