Thank you. I really appreciate your comments.

Thank you for your comment. I have always been the type to bottle up my emotions and not let anyone in. It's not good at all and I'm aware. My whole family is this way. I get it from my dad. We never talk about emotions or important things. Not sure why.

I will say I've gotten much better about it since starting therapy two years ago. I let people in more, but I have to really trust. This whole Taylor thing has been a lot and so overwhelming. That's why I reached out here. But I also took your advice and opened up to one of my friends and my brother. It was nice having someone close to talk to. So thank you. I need to be better about confiding in others in the future and not holding it all in.

I understand where you're coming from with this. You're right about the romanticizing. Like another comment said, I never actually had a relationship with her. It could easily not work like I imagine. I more just meant it in that I've known this girl for 8 years now. I took her for granted. I know our dynamic has always been amazing and I never really took notice of it.

And I guess I worded poorly about the checklist because I don't want it to sound like she's a thing for me to have. I don't view her that way at all. Or maybe my view is skewed to where I don't see it. But I more meant that through therapy, I felt like I had the realization of what I truly want in life. I was ready. And the epiphany hit that it was in front of me the whole time. At least that's how it felt.

Also, the "just missed it" was more in reference to that epiphany coming a month into her starting this relationship with her now fiance. More in me wishing I realized sooner. I am aware she is her own person and wasn't just there waiting for me. I thought I even mentioned that in my post but I don't think it came through clearly. I have no blame toward her in any of this. She's living her life and finding love as she should. She owes me nothing.

But I still see points in what you're saying and, trust me, Taylor will be the subject of many therapy sessions to come while I sort things out.

Easier said than done. My last ex, who things really didn’t work with, took me so long to get over. I hold onto things too much. Something I need to keep working on in therapy. But with time, hopefully I can get there and move on. I have work ahead of me.

Thank you. It’s hard to imagine finding anyone else like her. But there’s always hope.

Yours is the comment I keep rereading. I agree that telling her would probably make things bad for at least one of the three involved. And there’s only really two outcomes. I blow up her life for her to be with me and things work out between us (and that’s so unlikely) or we stop talking all together. Because she couldn’t still be friends with me if I’m saying I want to be with her. It changes everything. I may have to decide if that’s worth it but I think it’s not.

And I like your optimism that I could find someone else like her. I’ve done the dating (yes a little too much hookup too) and it just hasn’t felt right. I think the dating made me realize I only ever felt that way about her. But I’m also just so stuck in this feeling right now and it’s hard to escape. With time, hopefully things will get better and I’ll be able to move on. It seems difficult to comprehend now though.

I’ll do my best to update you guys in the morning if there is an update. She didn’t respond to me tonight. I even more now expect this meet up to not happen. But I hope I at least get to talk and don’t get ghosted again.