What you see now is the trial period- it's the best it'll ever be.

At 20 years old- you're excited about staying out past midnight and getting to eat candy for breakfast. You're finally an adult and get to do adult things, so why do you want to clip your wings so young? Why wouldn't you enjoy your freedom and all things that being unattached has to offer?

If this got cross posted to r/AmItheAsshole the comments section would probably give you a lot of insight into your behavior- which is terrible from start to finish between objectifying your wife who sounds more like a sex slave then an equal partner in your marriage, to trying to gaslight your best friend.

You should've broken up when you suspected him of cheating- especially after looking through his phone. Trust is dead, move on.

You should be calling the police about the death threats, you should NEVER have been trying to play private detective. You should block all of their phone numbers, including your boyfriend. See your way out of the whole messy situation because you don't know these people, and all they know about you is what your boyfriend tells them- which clearly isn't good because you're getting death threats. Jokes are supposed to be funny- death threats aren't funny.

If your boyfriend told his friends you were the greatest, you probably wouldn't be getting those types of calls.

Yes, breakup with your boyfriend. You should want to be as far removed from people who do these types of things as possible. I also recommend saying less about why you're breaking up- just "you know, I don't think this relationship is a good match so we're breaking up- but I wish you well." and let it go. The busier he is with a new girlfriend- the less his friends will bother you.

Let it go, you've seen no evidence she's changed- but you did. You evolved your mindset on abuse from your own circumstances because you exited a thing that wasn't working for you, she has not.

You can be kind to her- she reached out so maybe you can chat a bit, but I would say if their relationship made you uncomfortable 7 years ago I doubt much has changed. People generally don't change unless their circumstances force them to change or through a concerted effort.

You really need to get to the bottom of the "why", and while you're young and still have the rest of your life ahead of you this would be a great thing for you to learn to control. Therapy to learn these tools is great, but here's an idea to maybe give you direction. If you don't know where you're going you won't know when you get there.

My mother has a borderline personality disorder, which among other things includes what I've heard referred to as "adult temper tantrums". She'd have one of these temper tantrums when she was angry, when she didn't get her way, or when she hurt herself. Like if she'd stub her toe (mild ouchie) she would get VERY angry, scary angry- she'd shout every swear word she could think of, stomp her feet, possibly break things or hurt me out of sheer anger.

I grew up and was in my mid 20's before I realized that was not normal, or ideal to emulate. My reactions were much milder and really only related to pain- like a 5/10 whereas my mom was a 10/10- but a few people including a colleague gently mentioned that it seemed like an overreaction, and the danger was that in a chemical environment (chemical plant) it could be perceived as a larger emergency. It also wasn't attractive. Ooh, that hit me, and I started to think about why I was like that and my mother came to mind. So I started keeping an eye out for a better reaction to emulate, and settled on The Family Guy method of dealing with an ouchie: the long, slow, drawn out series of "owwwwwww" and "ooooooooh".

If you can imagine how hard it is to control yourself in general- imagine dealing with pain stimulus, and having to learn how to control your outward reaction... it was a very conscious effort of change, and it wasn't easy- but I am proud of my improved reaction which is much more reasonable. You may have a mental illness that somewhat prevents you from being in control (borderline personality disorder?), or you don't know the tools to control your outward reaction.

You'll need to:

• Be aware of your emotions at all times. Do frequent "check ins" on how you feel.
• Your mouth may be reacting quicker then your brain- give yourself time. Focus on breathing, give yourself at least one good breath in/out before you react to be sure you're landing on the appropriate reaction.
• Imagine a wheel like in Jeopardy, but with emotions- instead of you taking the time to become aware of how you truly feel, are you relying on "spinning the wheel" and exhibiting whichever emotion comes up?
• Once you become aware of your actual feelings and can pause your irrational anger to "check in"- then it's time to familiarize yourself with how to bring your feelings up to a higher/more desirable level. Check out the Emotional Guidance Scale by Abraham Hicks, it's a 1-22 scale where #1 is Joy/Appreciation / Love, and #22 is Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair. If you're feeling angry (#17) you can't get to #1 by snapping your fingers- you can however nudge yourself gradually up the scale to #11 overwhelmed, then up to #7 contentment (for example).

If you can't control yourself- no one else stands a chance of doing it either. I hope these tips help!

You might as well ask if people change who they fundamentally are.

Cheating isn't tied to a single behavior- it's a whole series of behaviors that are essential for perpetuating the acts. In order to be a cheater you have to be comfortable with lying, manipulating, gaslighting, reduce your empathy for someone you may/may not care about (but pretend to care about), and putting your wants ahead of someone else's safety and security. On top of that, when you tell the truth you don't have to have a good memory- but when you lie... well now you have to have a good memory for what really happened and what you said happened, and possibly rely on other people to also have good memories and now you're into remembering what you told someone else to remember. Maybe good note taking too? Have a little dossier of lies you've told? Sounds like a lot of work for the cheater, even more work for you to keep up!

It's not a switch that gets turned off, it's several behaviors that the person has to want to change. He actively sought out other people.

You'll be way moved on before there's any hope for him to change.

I would wish her the absolute best, but that this isn't the relationship dynamic you're seeking.

• She's not only still talking to her ex- she's comparing you to him (he just "knows her better")
• He's the only person in her hometown that can give her updates- like really? It's either a small town and she wants updates on the cows, or who does she want updates on that she can't pick up the phone and call directly- or connect with on Facebook? If she really wanted to talk to old friends she'd talk to the old friends.
• You guys started dating pretty quickly after she broke up with this guy- people need a bit of time for this type of back and forth before they get into new relationships and it doesn't sound like that happened.